


The Crucible

by WolfyWordWeaver



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - American, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, Childhood Trauma, Communication Failure, Davy Mage's A+ Parenting, Derogatory Language, Developing Relationship, Dubious Consent, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Enemies to Lovers, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Family Drama, Fights, Good Friends, Healing, Homophobia, Hopeful Ending, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, Lack of Communication, Learning Disabilities, M/M, Mentors, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Racist Language, Relationship Problems, Sex, Therapy, Time Skips, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence, due to poor communication, neurodivergent character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:49:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 49,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27273715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfyWordWeaver/pseuds/WolfyWordWeaver
Summary: Baz and Simon think that the end of high school holds all the answers to where they will go and who they will be, but life has a way of throwing trials in the way and making you question everything. When they are melted all the way down, will they ever be able to find their way back to each other?
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 12
Kudos: 47





	1. Part 1, Simon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crucible:  
> n. A vessel made of a refractory substance such as graphite or porcelain, used for melting and calcining materials at high temperatures.  
> n. An extremely difficult experience or situation; a severe test or trial: synonym: trial.
> 
> This was the first SnowBaz fic that I started writing and I am so nervous and excited to finally be putting it out here. This first chapter is a beast, but the rest aren't quite this long. Also, this story covers about 5 years. There are a lot of hard things woven through this story, so please make sure you've looked at the tags. If you feel like I need to add anymore just let me know in the comments.
> 
> Thank you for your interest, and I hope you enjoy.

Baz Pitch was the worst kind of guy because he wasn't only talented in every way imaginable, but also because he was so fucking cocky about it. That degree of confidence would make anyone want to punch him in his stupid nose. No one else should look that good with a nose like that, so I broke it.

The Major gave me a stern lecture about being caught when I fight but had approved in his own way. Baz, however, had not appreciated getting his nose broken and had promptly returned the favor the next day. 

Penny had huffed in annoyance and lectured me about fighting with Baz _yet again_ and warned that while my dad was a decorated military professional, Baz's parents were filthy rich and could probably sue the pants off me if they finally got sick of all the fights and scuffles we got into. It didn't matter that Baz was the one to start all this shit when I first moved into town back in middle school. I had been in a private military preparatory school for my elementary schooling but had really struggled so the Major let me settle for a private school when we moved to Watford. My first day there was nerve wracking and Baz had made a point to make me feel stupid and unwelcomed. Penny had rolled her eyes and told me to ignore him before she had even introduced herself. 

Things had only gotten worse after that between me and Baz. There were insults, verbal assaults, physical assaults, and even an incident involving the zoo and the two of us in the lion's enclosure. 

It was almost the winter break of our Senior year when something changed in our dynamics. Baz had come off another soccer and basketball season with the highest awards and quite a few tears shed by his teammates and even the coaches. All that ass-kissing had infuriated me, but more so than usual. 

People liked Baz. They were going to miss him. My entire middle and high school experience through the Watford Prep School had revolved around my antagonism with the fucker. What was I going to do afterwards? I'd be joining the Army as soon as I turned 18 and he'd probably be going off to college at some fancy university. His dad was some rich CEO or something. 

Peopled liked me well enough because I was nice, but they _loved_ Baz because he was so untouchable. Smart, hot, fearless on the field or court, and ruthless as fuck in a fist fight. I didn't know any other rich kids that could throw down like he did. None of that open-handed slapping shit like Gareth. Baz wasn't nice to others like I was and yet they still flocked around him fighting for his attention. 

I hated it. 

The girls would coo and fawn over him, even Agatha, and he would just look over their heads and smirk at me. Penny told me not to worry about my girlfriend dumping me to chase after that asshole because she said it was just Agatha's way of trying to find herself. Or something.

It didn't help much anyway. 

I had to leave the final pep rally which was really just an excuse to shower Baz the Perfect in more awards and recognition. The halls and rooms were empty and I just sat in the English Lit room and stared at the whiteboard. One more semester here is all that I had. No more kind teachers who gave me all kids of extra credit to help fluff my grades. No more Penny to laugh with. We'd still chat over email and the phone, but I don't think I'm even allowed that during basic training. No more Major to give me extra drills at home. No more Baz to pick at and fight with. 

Why did that bother me so much?

It's not like I could just keep fighting with him until the day I died. He had businesses to run and I had wars to fight. I'd probably take the first tour abroad that I could. Desert heat and I went surprisingly well together. It must have been all the summers of the Mage acclimating me. Penny thought that what he did to me could be considered child abuse but I told her she was being too protective. Soldiers needed to be able to survive all kinds of conditions with very little water and food. I had to toughen up if I was going to make a difference in the war. The Major told me all kinds of stories about how well he did and how there hadn't been enough warfare when he was growing up to really prove himself. 

That was my job now. To prove myself and him. Although I had a sneaking suspicion that I wouldn't make it all that long out in actual warfare. At least a death by an insurgent was honorable. The Major would be pleased with that - burying his son under the flag. 

The tightness in my chest increased and I felt myself going warm. I thought that my vision was going hazy again like it usually did before I passed out but then I realized that it was just hot tears spilling over. 

It wasn't the first time that I had thought about dying or leaving Baz (being left behind by Baz?) but it was the first time I could recall crying about it. Or crying in general since middle school. The Major wasn't a big fan of crying. Hell, I wasn't a big fan of it. My face got puffy, it was harder to breath, and my chest ached so very badly. Next semester Penny and Baz would be competing in all the academic contests. I had never qualified for the Speech Meets or Math Olympics or anything like that. Normal school was a struggle without trying to compete against super students, but that also meant that I would be seeing a lot less of them. It was probably for the best so that I could get used to not seeing them at all. 

This only made me cry harder. I didn't really want my last few months of high school to be lonely. I had other friends besides Penny (although none as close) and there were plenty of others to pick a fight with too, but it wouldn't be the same. I wiped the snot from my nose with the sleeve of my hoodie before wiping aggressively at my eyes. They burned and itched and the rubbing only irritated them more but I didn't care. 

"Finally realizing the pointlessness of your existence?" came the familiar snarky voice. 

"Fuck off," I growled heatedly, face burning even hotter in embarrassment. The Major said that showing weakness was the worst thing I could do, and I'm pretty sure that crying was one of the worst weaknesses to have. 

Baz made a funny noise in his throat and I looked over my shoulder to glare at him. There he was in all his perfect glory, radiant in the fluorescent glow from the hall lights. There wasn't anyone else around him and I didn't even hear teachers rushing to their rooms. My observation of the surroundings faded as I stared at his face. Even with the slightly crooked nose he looked handsome. And those blue-grey eyes were so striking, especially staring so intently at me. He was stepping forward and I wasn't sure if he even noticed. He was thinking about something; I could tell by the scrunch of his dark thick eyebrows. He always got paler during the winter and was missing his ruddy summer glow but it didn't matter. He looked good no matter what shade his skin was. 

"Snow," he started uncertainly and I couldn't help but stare at his lips as if trying to read them. 

What new insult was he going to throw my way? Ugh, I just didn't want to deal with it right now. I was already crying, dammit, and I didn't want him to add a notch to his belt for making me cry again. So I shut him up. Preemptive strike and all that. The Major should be proud of me, using my head and all that. 

He'd probably be less proud of the fact that the only way I could think of shutting Baz up was to lunge forward and kiss him.

Baz stumbled back as I attacked his lips and crashed against the bookshelf but I didn't let up. He was probably going to kill me for this, but at least I wouldn't have to hear his stupid words anymore. Those lips parted and I bit down on his lower lip to keep him from saying anything but a moan spilled past anyway. Familiar hands grasped my shoulders tightly and Baz was pressing up more tightly against me, his tongue now delving into my mouth to tangle with my own. I'd kissed before (just with Agatha) but this was completely different. 

It was like a dam breaking loose in my chest and I couldn't stop kissing him. My own hands wandered a bit before one settled firmly on the back of his neck and the other clutched tightly at his bony hip. I was ravenous and swallowed up all of his moans even as his knees trembled and he slid down far enough for us to finally be at the same level. Something different was making sense in my head and I wasn't sure if I should be scared or not. This wasn't the first time I had thought about kissing Baz. This wasn't the first time I had thought about running my hands through his silky hair, either. It was just the first time I finally had an answer to the question of what his spit tasted like.

I loved it.

The dull roar of the crowd leaving the gymnasium barely registered but Baz pushed against my chest and I stepped back. We were both red-faced and panting, and his lips were swollen and shiny. I lunged forward and kissed him again and he leaned into it for a few seconds before pulling away and shaking his head.

I shrugged and used the sleeve of my hoodie again, this time to wipe the spit from my lips. He straightened out his clothes and more delicately dabbed at his lips with a _handkerchief_ before strutting out of the room like nothing had happened. Damn him, cool as a cucumber. With a growl I turned around and settled back in one of the desks. Why did that piss me off so much? I just kissed him to shut him up; it wasn't like I was asking to be his boyfriend or anything. And it worked - he just walked right out without hassling me.

Biting on my lip, I stupidly wondered if maybe the same thing would work on him when we got back from winter break.

*****

The winter break had been quiet because the Major hadn't been feeling well, and he had even allowed me to visit the Wellbelove family for one evening. I walked to Penny's house instead and just lied about it. Penny's mom wasn't a big fan of mine and her dad was always so busy with his work that I'm not even sure he remembered my name. I was just the boy that got their daughter into trouble on occasion. 

She was the only one in her family who had earned a detention and it had been for jumping on Baz's back during one of our particularly rough scuffles. Dev and Niall had jumped in a fight between me and Baz to keep me from busting in his stupidly perfect teeth and Penny had jumped into the fight without hesitation. I think that I heard that Niall had damaged a testicle so badly in the fight that a doctor had to remove it shortly after. No one dared try to come between me and Baz fighting again. 

Penny the Ball-Crusher. 

She was probably more proud of that title than she was of her perfect school attendance, but she would never admit it to anyone. I didn't need her to say it to know it. There were a lot of things Penny knew about me too without me having to explain it. That was one of my favorite things about her. I had never been good with words, verbal or written, and had spent all my life hearing others tell me to "spell it out" or "use my words" but most of the time Penny just _got_ it. I could shrug and she'd know what I meant. In fact, she had even put a limit on how much I whined about Baz. Sure, it was just in regards to Baz, but no one else had ever told me that I was talking too much. It meant a lot to me.

I still didn't tell her what had happened in the empty classroom with Baz. I wasn't quite sure what that all meant and for as much as I loved Penny she was pretty strongly opinionated and not always understanding. She'd probably berate me for doing it and then try to analyze why kissing him was the first thing I'd think of to shut him up. Then she'd might ask questions about my sexuality, questions that I didn't have an answer for. 

Was I gay? Could I even be gay if I kissed a girl (Agatha) and liked it? Did that make me bi? Or...pan, was it? I wasn't even sure what the difference was for most of those terms and the Major sure wasn't going to take the time to educate me on such stuff. It wasn't useful for being a soldier. Kissing wasn't useful either unless that meant you were getting a girl who would stay home and wait for you. Someone who could make you feel better and love on you when you got back, like my mom did for him. 

Except that she died giving birth to me, so that kind of put a dent in his plans for glory on the battlefield. 

By the time the break came to an end, I had almost convinced myself that it hadn't happened at all. Baz had never come into that room and I hadn't kissed him. It had been a hallucination. A fantasy. 

When we saw each other again we'd bicker and fight like usual. Spring would come and he'd graduate valedictorian and Penny would make salutatorian. I'd be lucky to graduate and then I'd just have to wait about a month before going to sign up with the Army. Then basic training and the Middle East for me. I'd never even _see_ Baz again. What good would come from kissing him? It's not like he'd leave ivy league school just to join the Army with me.

It was snowing when school started again and I was shivering by the time I got to the building. The Major didn't believe in heavy coats because I needed the training in a variety of climates, even if all the wars were in the desert right now. I just had a hoodie that was now sopping wet. Penny might have a pullover that I could borrow while my hoodie dried, but I always hated borrowing from her because her stuff was a bit too tight on my shoulders and too short on my wrists and belly. Baz might make fun of me and say I was wearing a crop top or something. He'd probably look good in a crop top. 

Damn him.

I was the first one to homeroom and Mr. Minos looks at me with something akin to pity. I just sat heavily in my chair and shivered as I stared out the window. I definitely wasn't keeping an eye out for Baz. A familiar Jaguar pulled up (seriously, what the fuck, man?) and I watched as he stepped out in his designer jacket and designer boots and designer beanie. He looked like he was just getting back from a photo shoot. I stood abruptly and marched out of the room to meet him at the lockers. It'd be better if we got into a scuffle out there because Mr. Minos couldn't be arsed about dealing with students if they weren't in his room. And depending on how Baz greeted me I was either going to punch his lights out or kiss him senseless. Neither of which I wanted to do in front of a teacher.

By the time I got to the lockers he was already shaking his hair loose from the beanie and I found myself growling at him. Was I angry? Or just hot for him? It didn't matter. Those cool grey eyes looked up at me and that infuriating mouth offered a smirk. I make a move to pull my arm back for a punch but he stepped into my space immediately with those stupid long legs and this time he was kissing me. 

It hadn't been a dream or a fantasy. The kiss had been real, just as the one right now. The hands rubbing over the buzzed sides and back of my head were real. The chest I was crushing myself against was real. Those lips stealing my breath away were real. 

In that moment, Baz was more real to me than anything else had ever been.

*****

I didn't often think of my mother. 

The Major said it was an exercise in futility; thinking about her wouldn't bring her back to life and if she wasn't alive than what was even the point? She couldn't watch me or feed me or take care of me. She never got a chance to. That was my fault, her dying. If I had been a smaller baby or maybe less greedy she wouldn't have been so tired. She probably wouldn't have bled so much and heart wouldn't have given out. I never got a chance to even have her milk and the Major says that's why I've always struggled. Formula is for people who don't love their babies, he'd say, or for babies who kill their mothers. 

Since I killed her, I didn't think it was right to think about her all that often. 

But as I limped my way to school I couldn't help but wonder what she would have thought. Would she have looked at me with such disappointment? Would she have stood quietly in the corner while the Major disciplined me? I really hadn't meant to be caught making out with Baz. I didn't have a lot of sense but I knew enough to keep things on the down low with him. It was just so hard to keep away from him. All I wanted to do is kiss him and hold him. I liked it when we held hands even if it was usually just for a couple of seconds. Penny knew that something was different between us, but I'm not sure that she had guessed the truth until we were both in the principal's office and having our parents called in. 

Private schools don't like boys kissing other boys. 

Or girls kissing girls, I suppose. But I'd never heard of a girl getting threatened with suspension for kissing another girl while I was here. 

None of the parents took the call all that well. Baz's dad and stepmom came and picked him up immediately, their words harsh and whispered. They promised that they would take care of Baz and that it wouldn't happen again. The Major had shared similar sentiments although much louder and with more colorful language. The principal had been a little shocked by the man's outburst but had been satisfied that the situation would be taken care of. It was just two boys experimenting and learning that it wasn't okay. 

Except I wasn't a great learner. 

Baz had been shocked to see me come to school with the split lip, a swollen cheek, and a limp, but he kept his distance. That had hurt more than any physical discipline the Major could have inflicted. Penny had no such compunctions and immediately let me exactly what she thought of the Major and his "abusive" ways. As per the norm, I just rolled my eyes and let her know that this was no big deal. I was only limping because I twisted my ankle on the way out to throw the trash away. It was the truth but she didn't believe me. 

I decided to let Baz have his distance for a few days and then I would corner him and make him admit if he still wanted me or not. Which was stupid because I knew he wanted me. I just needed to know if he wanted me badly enough to go against his family's wishes. But that was stupid too because I was going to be joining the Army soon and I wouldn't exactly have time to keep up with a boyfriend. I might even get hurt for having a boyfriend. Since I was giving Baz a couple of days to think about it, I decided that for once in my life it might be a good idea for me to think about it. 

Thinking and I didn't exactly go well together, unlike sour cherry scones and butter or something. I avoided thinking if I could help it because I never seemed to think the right way. I always did things differently than the Major wanted me to, or I didn't solve the math problems the way that the teacher wanted, or I couldn't argue my way out of a paper sack even if I had to. 

So I always tried hard to stop thinking and just _do_. Do what the Major wanted. Do what the teacher wanted. Even if I didn't understand the what or whys, if I could just spit back what they wanted enough then they would all be happy and I would get to move on with life and do what I was supposed to do. 

But liking Baz wasn't part of that. 

And maybe that's why it took me so long to realize that I did like him. That's why I was always so angry with the girls falling all over themselves to get his attention. I wasn't mad because Agatha dumped me to throw herself at him; I was mad because I wanted to throw myself at him and they were all in the way. I liked punching him and getting into fights with him because it was the only way I could be close and touch him. I liked punching him, but the more I thought about it the more I realized it was because I liked touching his skin. It was so smooth and soft. There was nothing smooth or soft about me - I was covered in moles and blemishes, with callouses on my hands and feet. 

Thinking was dangerous for me. 

Thankfully I didn't have to think too long.

I was limping home after school that same day when that sexy Jaguar whipped beside me and I was dragged into the car by my favorite hands in the world. My crooked teeth worried at my lower lip as Baz slid the car down the streets for a few blocks with his face set in a stony expression. With expert skill he maneuvered into a parking space at the mall before turning off the ignition and turning to face me with the cool confidence of someone who could have the whole world at their feet if they wanted. And Baz could. 

"Your lip," he stated sternly.

It was bleeding again from me worrying at it with my teeth.

"It's fine," I muttered with a shrug. 

Because it _was_ fine. This wasn't even anywhere near the worst that could happen. 

"You're _limping_ , Simon," he insisted. 

I shrug again.

"I slipped on the stairs and twisted my ankle." He was giving me a look like he didn't believe me. I shrugged again. "It's true."

He sighed again and ran his fingers through the moisturized hair that would look good even if he had walked straight through a hurricane. 

"My parents have known that I'm gay for a while," he started again, still looking uncomfortable and maybe even annoyed. Baz was always annoyed with something or other. "It was fine so long as I didn't date anyone and kept it to myself. Getting caught was not appreciated by them."

I shrug, feeling like an imbecile, but what was I supposed to say?

"Look, Simon, I'll be 18 soon and they can kiss my ass. My mother left me plenty of money, so as soon as I turn of age I will inherit it all and I can do whatever the hell I want. I'll just get an apartment or something. As for the school, well, it's just a matter of not getting caught by them again, right?"

My eyebrows scrunched up and I was trying to decide if he was saying what I thought he was saying or if he was just letting me know that he's rich and independent and can do whatever he wants. 

"You don't want to get caught?"

"Of course not," he shot back sharply and with an annoying upward tilt of his chin which made him look like even more of a stuck-up asshole. "I intend to graduate with the valedictorian honors. I'm not giving that up to Penny this late in the game."

"Ah. Sooooo..."

He sighed. "Honestly, Simon, do you need me to spell it out? I want to make out with you in the back of my car and in any dark corners that we can get away with. Just not at school."

"Okay," I agree. Because I want to make out with him too. 

And since he practically gave me permission, I reach over and grasp him by the lapels of his fancy jacket and pull him into a smashing kiss. Our faces literally smash and he's cursing into my mouth in pain but I don't mind. I just keep kissing. I could kiss Baz for the rest of my life and never get enough of that delicious mouth. He stops bitching soon enough and bites down roughly on my already bleeding lip. 

That's how I know he loves me. 

He doesn't mind swallowing down my blood.

*****

Penny cried the day we graduated. She said it was because I actually got a diploma and she had been worried, but I think it's because she did end up in second place behind Baz. True to his word he had been careful around me at school and completely focused on his work. Sometimes I managed to corner him in the restrooms for a bit of tonsil hockey but for the most part we kept our lip-locks to the privacy of his back seat. We'd even managed to do what Penny calls "petting" but that phrase just sounds creepy to me. We _groped_ at each other a bit lately and...I wasn't sure how I felt about it. 

But I didn't want to think about it because I was still going to be signing up for the army come June 21st and he was starting college with summer courses at the local community college. Just to knock some of the basics out of the way. Because he was a fucking overachiever. So I just didn't think and we kissed and we groped. 

Sometimes I think he wanted to ask me not to join the Army, but he never did. What other option did I have? I was stupid. Barely graduated and definitely couldn't go to college much less university. I was sturdy and could follow orders, but that didn't really translate well to anything but construction work maybe. I don't know. There was never really another option for me. 

Penny still tried to convince me on occasion to at least _think_ about other options. She says that I'm not a mindless brute that's worth nothing more than canon fodder, but it's not really true. I killed my mother. I murdered from the moment I was born. It's what I was meant for, what I spent all these years training under the Major for. To be useful by killing the right people this time. Not innocent mothers, but terrorists. Terrorists that looked like Baz.

A part of me wondered if that's why the Major reacted as badly as he did when the school called about me and Baz. It was bad enough that I was kissing a boy, but he was a boy who had Middle Eastern blood in him, even as watered down as it was. It was the image of the men he taught me to recognize as terrorists and was a huge part of why I was always so suspicious of him back in middle school. He looked like a mini-terrorist so he had to be plotting something, right? Just a few short years later and I was the one plotting ways to sneak in more kisses and hand holding. Just thinking about actually sitting beside him on a couch made my heart race and the rare times I indulged in the thoughts of lying next to him and staring at his sleeping face in the moonlight was something that seemed right out of a movie. 

Seeing that ruddy bronze skin made me yearn now. I wanted to melt against him and into him, never having to think about being separate again. It was stupid and dangerous. 

This was why I didn't allow myself to think.

What would I do when I was serving my tours? Carry his picture around on my person so that I could be labeled a traitor and terrorist? Try to find someone new? That idea was ludicrous. Almost as ludicrous as the idea of Baz being a terrorist. He could be one if he wanted, he was smart enough, but that just wasn't his scene. He was more concerned about his hair products than he was about politics. 

But I couldn't really keep up with him just by phone calls, could I? And why would Baz want to? He was literally the most beautiful person on the planet and could easily find someone else to date. In fact, why was he dating me at all? I know there weren't a lot of options at school, but at university there would be a whole lot more and they would be guys who were smart and rich like him. They would be more like someone he could have proper conversations with or maybe even go out on proper dates with. We'd been together for six months and had never even been on a date. Granted, pretty much all of our "being together" took place while we were in school and not really allowed to see each other and then his family dragged him off to a vacation in Europe for the couple of weeks he had off before starting college and now he had class so we hadn't really seen each other much.

This was another reason I didn't want to think. I didn't want to really analyze how I've only dated two people and sucked badly both times. Even though I dated Agatha for a couple of years, it had felt totally different than this. We had gone on some dates and hung out all the time but I hadn't been so _hungry_ for her all the time. Kissing her was all well and good, but kissing Baz was...magical. I never wanted to stop. 

Penny sighed as she stared hard at me and I shrugged helplessly. "Sorry, I didn't hear you."

"I know, Simon. Talking to you lately is like like talking to a brick wall!" Her face softened as she saw my expression. "I'm sorry. I know that you've got a lot on your mind."

I was turning 18 in a couple of days.

"I was just...Baz and I have never been on a date," I mumbled before crunching loudly on some of the potato chips we had in a bowl between us. "I don't really even know what we're going to do after I get signed up. We don't talk about it."

"And why the hell not?" she demanded as if it was the easiest thing in the world to talk about. 

"I don't think he wants to break up with me because it would seem like jerk move to break up right before I ship out. I get that, so I'll break up with him." She was looking at me like I was crazy. "But I'm just selfish, okay? I don't want to break up until the very last moment. I just want to...I dunno. Be with him."

She looked at me even more sadly. 

"Do you have to break up? The military is don't-ask-don't-tell, right? You guys could come up with a code name or something when he calls you." 

"Penny," I sigh in annoyance, "he's going to a fucking Ivy League school soon. Surrounded by handsome and smart and rich guys like him. I know that you think I'm stupid, but I'm not _that_ stupid."

"I don't think you're stupid, Simon!" she protested. "I just think that you don't stand up for yourself and you don't want to try because it would would be harder than just taking orders from your dad."

The comment smarted and I stared at my jean-clad knees. Of course it was easier to just listen to him because I always kept getting things wrong. No one liked to be wrong all the time and Penny was lucky that she was smart enough not to be wrong most of the time. In fact, I was pretty sure that one of the reasons we were still even friends is because she liked that I just did whatever she said most of the time too. No one else seemed to be able to put up with her level of bossiness. 

"I'm...I'm going home," I mumble before standing abruptly. 

"No, Simon, don't go!" 

She looked like she felt badly but I still didn't want to hang around. I didn't want to feel more dumb than I always did. Dumb and ugly. Why did Baz ever kiss me back? Why didn't he just punch me in the face like I thought he would? Why did we still meet up and make out whenever he had a moment between all his obligations? It was the community college parking lot more often than not these days where we would melt against each other and pretend that the rest of the world didn't exist. But he'd probably rather just study than be with me.

I took the long way home and tried to kick every pebble that I could on the way over so that it would give me something to focus on rather than my tumultuous thoughts. It was just a few more days and then I'd know where I'd be going. I had a path, a destiny, and all of my life so far had been about getting to this point. I was tired of waiting to see where this would lead me and wondering if I was going to screw it all up. That maybe I wouldn't be smart enough or strong enough. Or that maybe I would finally be where I'm supposed to be only to find that I hate it and want to be somewhere else. 

Somewhere like with Baz.

My steps were unsteady as I continued walking the familiar path kicking at dust and pebbles. Sweat was rolling down the back of my neck and soaking through the armpits of my shirt. I tugged on the loose curls piled atop of my head, thinking that this was probably the last few days that I would see them for the next few years and possibly the rest of my life. I liked my curls. The Major had burned all the photos of my mom after she died so I'd never seen her before but I'd like to imagine that I got these curls from her. He always had his hair trimmed in the short style of the military and I had never seen a hint of curls from him. But my hair didn't curl either when that short, so maybe it was just wishful thinking. 

"Hey, handsome, want a ride?"

I was jarred into awareness by the voice and looked up in shock and confusion. No one had ever called me handsome before.

"B-baz?"

He grinned luxuriously at me as his polished car rolled slowly down the street to keep pace with me. Fuck, his teeth were so white and shiny.

"Hop on in, Simon. It's hot as hell out here."

I looked down at my sweat-soaked clothes and shook my head. 

"I don't want to ruin your car..."

"Psh, nonsense. My car detailing guy could get a crime scene cleaned out of this car in no time at all. A little sweat is nothing."

"Are you plotting my murder?" I asked with a ridiculous grin. 

It was shit like this coming out of Baz's mouth that I loved. Absolutely out of left field shit that reminded me that he was kind of a weirdo too. A weirdo who first punched me in the mouth because he thought I was a racist asshole and then kept hitting me because he thought I was cute.

"Always plotting, Simon," he sighed dramatically. "Now get in. It's hot." 

He braked hard to stop the car and rolled up his window while I obediently went to the other side to get in. My hand paused over the door handle and I couldn't help but wonder if maybe Baz liked having me around for the same reason the Major and Penny did. Because I just listened. I saw him raise an impatient eyebrow and quickly hopped in. 

Don't think, don't think, don't think.

"What are you doing over here?" I asked as I shivered from the sudden coolness of the air conditioned interior. "No class today?"

Baz smiled again, but this time is was the soft kind that made his eyes look even more droopy than usual. That was one of my favorite smiles because it was one that he shared only when we were alone. 

"I want to surprise you."

Fuck, that _face_...I leaned over and cupped his cheeks before planting a firm kiss against his plush lips. I loved him. I loved him more and more and it was just going to make things even harder in a couple of days. But everyone told me that I was dumb for a reason, so I kept kissing him until we were both panting for breath. 

"Okay, surprise me," I finally whispered against his lips. 

He looked a bit dazed, honestly, and I was a little worried that maybe I shouldn't let him drive like that, but Baz shook it off and got to driving just fine. He reached over and I held his hand tightly. The streets and buildings blurred past and I just settled back and enjoyed the uppity instrumental music he had playing on the radio. I never hear this shit unless I'm in Baz's car so while I didn't use to like it now I think that I might not listen to anything else ever again. My eyes closed and I listen to the crying violin while feeling his heartbeat through his palm. 

I was feeling a bit blurry along the edges again today and wondered if maybe I wasn't getting enough water lately. My chest was tight and tingling and I felt myself drift off for a bit, almost a floating out-of-body experience. His thumb was rubbing circles against the side of my palm and I wanted to revel in such a mundane and beautiful thing. 

If I could dream, truly dream, what would I want?

Limitless, my mind produced a simple scene so soft and blurry that it was like looking through layers of gauzy curtains. I could see myself in bed watching Baz sleep the morning away. There would be no rush. No demands. Nothing but peace and quiet. Maybe the rustle of wind blowing past us gently from an open window in the bedroom. I could see my hands reaching out and gently dancing across that dark face, tracing along the full brows and that high nose before dipping down to tease those soft lips. Baz would be smiling now, enjoying the attention, and I thought that this would be enough for me. 

The car pulled to a stop and I jerked to attention. Baz smiled apologetically at me and squeezed my hand. I smiled back at him and then took in the surrounding area. Nothing looked familiar. This part of town looked like something that had fallen into disrepair and then had been DIYed back to life. Brick buildings were painted all manner of bold colors and I noticed more than a few of them had rainbow flags hanging over the shops. I think people rented apartments up there. There was a lady in one of the patios watering her potted plants and there was a shirtless guy happily playing his guitar on the street corner and serenading the laughing people passing by with a bawdy song that I hadn't heard before. 

A sniff of the air provided a rich array of food scents and my mouth was already watering. I hadn't really been exposed to much outside of the typical burger fast food, MREs, and cafeteria food, but my nose and stomach were telling me that there were many good things nearby. I could feel Baz chuckle as he wrapped his arms around me from behind and I leaned back before remembering that we were on a sidewalk where anyone here could see us. I pulled away.

"Uh, Baz..."

He took my hand boldly and continued smiling.

"This is part of the surprise, Simon. We're on Pride Street. It's a neighborhood that's been rehabilitated by caring individuals and marked off as completely supportive of LGBTQIA persons."

That was a lot of letters he just rambled off.

"Gay people?"

"Gay, trans, anything. Everything. It's okay."

He squeezed my hand a bit more tightly and I looked around nervously. It was true that no one was looking at us funny or whispering behind their hands.

"You don't think...I mean, we can't get in trouble, right?"

One of those elegant eyebrows rose in amusement. 

"Unless you think that your father is a frequent patron of these shops I'm pretty sure that we'll be okay." 

The thought of seeing the Major here made me laugh out loud. I pulled Baz into a full frontal hug and he didn't seem tense or bothered. He just looked down at me with pure affection and rested his hands against my hips. 

"I like this," I blurted out. It wasn't a smart thing to say just a couple of days before breaking up with someone, but I couldn't help it. I _did_ like it and I wanted to do it for a long time. "I like holding you."

"I like it too, Simon," he replied softly before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to my cheek. "Now, I can feel your stomach protesting so let's go get you fed."

Dinner was Indian food and while I couldn't pronounce anything that we ate (except naan and I think rice), it was all delicious. It was also served very casually with low tables and all the patrons seated on large fluffy cushions. I saw other same-sex couples there completely relaxed and acting like plenty of straight couples I've seen. Just chatting animatedly and offering each other flirty touches. It was strange, but nice. 

After eating our fill, Baz bit his lip in thought and I could see one of his slightly too-long eye-teeth peeking out. I had spent years mocking him by calling him a blood-sucker for having those longer fangs but I had honestly thought that they actually made him look even more cool. And now that I was frequently kissing him I could definitely say that I was a fan of those teeth and all the rest of them. In fact, I was so distracted looking at his mouth that I just appreciated as it moved before realizing that he was actually talking to me.

"Oh, shit! Uh, what?" There was a slight blush to his face, something that I've rarely ever seen and I felt even more like an idiot. "Er, sorry, I'm really sorry."

He coughed into his hand and seemed to gather his courage again before looking back into my eyes.

"I asked if you'd be interested in coming over to my apartment. For a bit. I know you can't spend the night."

I gaped at him in shock. It wasn't that I didn't know he had his own place because I did. As soon as he turned 18 he went apartment hunting but ended up having to wait a few months for the one that he wanted to go through. I had offered to help him move his stuff last month and he had actually laughed at me before explaining that he hired people for that. So I knew it, but...I didn't really think about it. About it being really his own place where no one else was and we could do _anything_. 

My heart was pounding and I could see his cheeks getting a bit rosier. Summer time made it harder to see a blush on Baz's face, but I knew that face better than any other. He was definitely blushing which meant that he was probably thinking about what I was thinking about.

"Uh, y-yeah, I guess," I stammered. 

"You don't have to," he's quick to respond, and I think that maybe he's embarrassed for even asking.

Which I don't want him to be.

"I want to, Baz. Can I see your place?"

I emphasize my words by reaching over and taking his hand. He gives me a shaky smile and looks away to gather himself and pull back up his cool, suave game face. I'm learning things about Baz and it's exciting. 

"Alright, let's get back to the car," he suggests calmly and with that butter-smooth smile. 

We walk back the entire way hand-in-hand and I'm ecstatic. But also feeling pretty lousy. Baz doesn't look like he thinks we're going to break up in a couple of days, but maybe this whole trip is an extended goodbye. Like, dessert. A sweet way to end things so you can look back on it fondly. Is sex the dessert of the dessert? Oh fuck, I haven't looked anything up about guy sex! And they didn't cover this shit in sex ed! Fuck, fuck, fuck! I shot a nervous glance his way, but Baz has his too-cool-for-school mask up. Surely he's looked gay sex stuff up already. I mean, he's Baz. He's a nerd. 

Do we need condoms? Does it only count if it's anal? Shit, did he expect me to have stuff? Do you need anything other than condoms? Do we even need condoms since neither of us can get pregnant? My stomach wasn't feeling so good and I didn't think that it was from eating so much. 

I didn't want to say anything that might sound like I'm reconsidering either. You wouldn't say no to a bowl of ice cream after dinner even if you were full and if this was goodbye I wanted it to be a good one. I wanted Baz to remember me fondly. He'd never actually dated anyone before me and that made me feel special. It would probably also help out any of his future boyfriends because I was the bottom of the barrel when it came to significant others. I could make anyone else look like the Proverbial spouse in comparison to the mess I was. I'd probably be terrible at sex too; I never bothered to try it with Agatha. 

Naturally Baz lives in a ritzy part of town complete with a security gate and high fencing. There's a valet to park his car when we step out at the front door of the complex and I just stare at everything fearfully. How much would it cost if I broke something? I didn't have any money to my name and the Major wouldn't have my back especially since I would have broken his rules while sneaking around behind his back with my boyfriend. While we were on our way to have sex. Definitely not an approved activity. 

"Relax," Baz murmurs in amusement before leading me to a crystal elevator.

I mean, I guess it could be plastic, but it's so shiny that it looks like a freaking diamond! My hand reaches out to take his but he steps into the shiny box briskly and I remember that it's not okay to be open here. We're just friends to all of these people and maybe he could get kicked out if anyone suspected more. I'm not up-to-date on all that kind of stuff but I'd heard Penny mention something like that happening. Which was dumb. If Baz was paying money for the apartment then why would they kick him out? It's not like we'd fuck out in the hallways or something. 

There was a thrill that raced through my body. We were going to fuck. Baz probably had it all figured out and all I'd have to do is follow instructions. It couldn't be that hard and it was with someone that I genuinely cared about. I wanted to have sex with Baz. But I also knew that I needed to break up with him. Desserts, just think of desserts. And even better, don't think. 

We walked through halls that were deathly quiet, nothing but the soft notes of the elevator music that was playing in the hall. It was a bit disconcerting, like something you would expect from a horror film. Why did Baz even want to live here? He slid a key into the door, one of those old fashioned looking ones, before punching in a code above the keyhole. The light blinked green and we were let into his place.

While I know that Baz is rich and comes from old money, I'm still shocked by his apartment. The huge windows that immediately greet us in the living room are easily bigger than my bedroom wall and give the most beautiful view of the city I've ever seen. I don't think I've ever even been this high up in a building before. Once I'm able to tear my eyes away from the windows, I'm stunned by how put together the whole place is. It's like no man-cave I've ever seen before. Not that I've seen many other teenagers rooms, but even the Bunce household with two adults in it isn't this put together. Even the Wellbelove home is less sleek and modern! Black leather seats, shiny metal bobbles, simple modern art canvases that add a pop of color but not too much. There's even one of those fancy rugs that looked like a skinned sheep or something. 

I can even see the kitchen from here and my mouth drops a little. His counter tops are literally glistening. Like, actually shimmering in the light. I don't know how he gets them to do that, but I can barely keep my eyes still and my brain holding on to any particular bit of information as I continue to look around. The appliances look new and he has a blender stationed on the counter ready for use. I've never seen a blender in use before. Does he make smoothies with them? Agatha used to tell me about her veggie smoothies. 

There's even a fancy dishwasher with lots of buttons and dials. It's imposing and I think that I'd rather just do dishes by hand than try to figure something like that out. And I think that his stove might have an auto pilot mode on it or something. I'm flabbergasted. It's like being on a spaceship or something. Does Baz even know how to cook? Does he ever eat at home? What kind of food does he have in his robot of a fridge? There's even...a fucking TV screen on the fridge. A TELEVISION SCREEN!!! 

"Simon?" he asks laughing as I stare at the fridge.

"Why does it need the TV?" I ask dumbly. "You already have one where you can see it in the living room."

He shrugs. "My designer got it. Check this out." 

He stands in front of the beast of a machine and waves his hand over a button or something. Immediately, the door appears to disappear and I can _see into his motherfucking fridge_.

"What the fuck?!" I gasp as I stumble forward and try to put my hand through the door. 

He was laughing in delight again and it was a beautiful sound. Being closer and with my hand against it, I could see that the whole door was some kind of screen and he showed me the button that turned it opaque again so that it looked normal. I couldn't believe that something like this had been invented! It really was like being on spaceship from the future or something and I might have convinced myself that I was really just dreaming all of this but Baz's hand rested against my cheek and I was looking up at him. 

Baz's smile was tender and warm and I couldn't help standing closer against him and wrapping my arms around his waist. It was easy to forget everything else when I was looking at those grey eyes that seemed less cold this close up. There were flecks of blue and maybe even green all mixed together with the grey and his eyes seemed so striking against his brown skin. 

"I'm glad you're here," he said so sincerely and my heart ached with it. 

I pressed up on my toes and slid my eyes shut as we rubbed out noses softly against each other. 

"Show me the rest?" I asked as softly as I could. 

Baz made me soft. Softer than I ever thought that I could be.

He presses a kiss to my broad nose and tugs me along as he shows me the different rooms. The apartment is larger than the house the Major and I share and he even has an _office_ in addition to the spare bedroom. 

"For my aunt or siblings," he explains. 

"Aren't your siblings all in elementary school?"

"One's still in daycare," he responded blandly, "but Mordelia already knows how to use the public transportation system and I wouldn't be surprised to find her dangling out of my window one of these days. She's an absolute savage."

I can't tell if he's being serious or not but just nod along. None of his siblings looked particularly savage when I've caught glimpses of them, but I suppose that he'd know best. 

"Damn," I whisper as we step into the main bedroom suite. 

The windows here were just as massive as they were in the living room and I couldn't believe that an apartment could have ceilings so high up. The bed looked unbelievably fluffy and he had super fancy covers on it and even some throw pillows. There was a large bookcase full of nothing but fancy hard covers and I was surprised to see that not all of the titles were in English. Did he speak more than one language? That was always a benefit in the military but I struggled so much with even getting English down that the Major didn't even bother to try to teach me anything else. 

I gaped in surprise again as I realized that he had a private bathroom attached to the room as well. This whole place was like a mini mansion! I peeked me head in there and was shocked to see that he had a shower stall and a Jacuzzi bathtub. Separately! They were beside each other, but still separate units. I think that his bathroom was bigger than my bedroom.

"A bit lavish, I know," Baz chuckled a bit nervously. "But the seat warmer was an absolute necessity."

Damn, I just wanted to drop my jeans and plant my ass on that toilet seat to see what a seat warmer felt like.

"Makes sense," I replied instead and kept my hands off my belt buckle. "I'm not a fan of sitting on an ice bucket in the mornings either, but it beats squatting outside."

Baz looked scandalized.

"Squatting? _Outdoors_?!"

It was my turn to laugh at him.

"Yeah, of course! How else are you supposed to take a shit when camping or training?"

He looked repulsed.

"I wouldn't even dare such activities. My hair is too temperamental."

Having never seen his hair in any condition short of perfect, I just shrugged. 

"It's really cool," I say instead, trying to gesture to the whole place. "Like from a movie or something."

He was looking nervous again and I could feel my stomach churn. 

"Thanks, Simon. I'm...I'm glad that you like it." 

We stared awkwardly at each other for a few moments. Did he want me to ask about the sex? Did he even want to? It's not like we were all grabby with each other all day. Maybe he just brought me here because he thought I wanted it? I mean, I _did_...I think. I wouldn't say no, obviously. This was Baz. The most fucking gorgeous person in the whole world. I'd do anything he asked me to. 

Maybe even not go to the recruitment center in a couple of days.

"Soooo," I start as I shuffled my feet. 

He seemed to snap back to reality and another flush of color painted his cheeks. 

"Do you...maybe want to take a shower?" he asks and I'm temporarily horrified. Shit, I've been a sweaty mess all day and I must stink! "Like, together, maybe?"

Oh. _OH_.

I'm sure that my face is cherry red when I reply. "Y-yeah, sure."

Getting undressed right beside the guy I've been making out with for months was way more awkward than I ever imagined it would be and we ended up doing it back-to-back. I did smell pretty awful and I burned even more in shame. Even though Baz was the one who was all into sports, I had never smelled him stinky. I don't think it's physically possible for him to stink. He smells delicious. Probably some kind of expensive cologne. 

My hands paused at the waistband of my briefs and I swallowed thickly. Should I keep them on in the shower? No, that would be dumb. The briefs came off and I jumped in the shower stall as if these see-through walls could hide anything from Baz for a few minutes longer. I stared at the five knobs in front of my and bit my lip as I turned one to no effect. I twisted another one and cold water shot out from the three tiled walls making me shriek in shock. A warm body pressed against my back and Baz reached over me to twist one of the knobs making all the water transfer from the fucking walls to the one spout overhead. 

I'm still sputtering from getting assaulted by water (who the fuck needs nozzles in the damned walls?!) and Baz hugs around my shoulders and _giggles_ in my ear.

"Sorry, I'd already gotten used to these and forgot that they could be confusing."

My hair was flattening out a bit under the warming spray and I turned in his slick arms, still a bit embarrassed but wanting to see his face. I tilted my chin up and hungrily swallowed up the sight of water droplets clinging to his eyelashes and half of his hair soaking while the other half frizzed in the humidity. There was still a bit of space between our lower halves and I blushed a bit as I moved forward and pressed against him. 

Taking a shower with him was beyond anything I could have even imagined, probably because I have a shit imagination. 

We kissed incessantly, even under the spray of the shower head and I allowed my hands to explore a bit over that bare skin, still keeping clear of his erect cock. We got a bit of sudsing up accomplished and he poured about a gallon of conditioner in his hair before he pulled me out of the shower a bit more confidently than we had gone in. Towels barely did their job before we were kissing again and falling onto his bed. It was even more fluffy than it looked and I suspected that it could have easily accommodated me, Baz, Penny, and Agatha for a movie night and sleepover. Not that I think Baz would want anyone else in his bed. Just that we could all fit here. 

Dark fingers danced against my sides and down the tops of my thighs as he pulled my legs on either side of his thighs. I tensed a bit even as I continued sucking and licking at his lips. Was this it? Water from his hair dripped coldly against my collar bones and I clutched more tightly against him. Did I need to do something in particular? Did Baz just assume that I knew how things were supposed to work? Would it ruin the moment to ask him for a play-by-play?

" _Simon_ ," he moaned against my lips and I could feel my cock jump excitedly. 

Great snakes we were doing this. 

"H-how do you want to do this?" I asked as I pulled my head back.

Fuck, I hope that I didn't sound as stupid as I thought I did. 

He kissed me soundly before responding breathlessly.

"Can I go down on you?" His chest was heaving and those beautiful eyes seemed to have darkened considerably. "Is that okay? To suck your cock?"

" _Yes_ ," I croaked out. 

Baz took a steadying breath and pressed another quick kiss to my lips before he scooted down to put his face in my crotch. One of my hands automatically fell down to cover myself but he gently brushed it aside before peppering kisses along the edge of my pubic hair. My stomach clenched uncomfortably and I bit down hard on my lip to keep my mouth shut. His tongue peeked out to lick at the joint of my thigh and what little mental faculty I had seemed to glitch out. 

The Major would kill me if he knew what I was doing.

I shouldn't be doing this.

A cry broke through my lips and I didn't recognize my own voice. I looked down to see Baz dragging his tongue along the underside of my nearly purple cock before dipping down to lick my _balls._ Fucking hell. His eyes glanced up at mine and I couldn't believe how happy he looked. With gusto he slurped in the length of my whole dick and proceeded to choke and cough. I shut my eyes and threw my head back while completely focusing on not making a sound. His hands were pinning my hips down and he was enthusiastically back to sucking my dick. 

It was...I don't know.

Intense. 

I felt like I was on fire and not exactly in a good way.

One of my hands scrabbled for a pillow and shoved it over my face as I whimpered. I was embarrassed and didn't want him to see me. Even though his face was all ready in my fucking crotch. My thighs were trembling as they squeezed at his ribs and shoulder (he had one arm hung over a thigh probably so I wouldn't crush his skull) and tugged at his hair to get him off of me for a second before letting go and grabbing a handful of sheets. I said yes. Baz asked and I consented. My cock was throbbing. I shouldn't stop him. 

I was just scared.

I didn't know what I was feeling.

I didn't like it. 

It felt good.

But I felt sick.

He was moaning around a mouthful of me and I felt a wave of nausea that brought tears to my eyes. This was sex. This was good. This is what all guys want.

Don't think. Don't think. Don't think.

The orgasm hit me with the force of a freight train and I started sobbing and shaking, holding the pillow tightly over my face. Shit, he was _swallowing_ it all and I felt like the most horrible person in the entire world. How many times had I heard of guys at school complaining about their girlfriends not wanting to go down on them, not swallowing, all that shit and here Baz was doing _everything_ for me and I was crying. I hadn't even touched him.

Oh Crowley, was he expecting me to do that to him?!

I gagged a bit and cried a little harder. Soft hands pulled the pillow off my face and looked down on me with worry.

"Simon?" he croaked. "Are you okay?"

I couldn't tell him. I was stupid. I was horrible. I can't even do this sex stuff right.

"J-just...emotional," I forced out.

His face softened even more and I felt like the devil himself. 

"I love you," he replied and I felt thunderstruck. 

Oh fuck.

He kissed my wet cheeks softly, hands softly rubbing my wrists. "I love you, Simon."

Fucking hell.

"I'd never been with anyone before," he continued as if he wasn't ripping my heart right out. "And I'm glad. I'm glad that this is with you."

I cried harder and he didn't ask me to say the words back. He rested his head against my shoulder as he rolled to his side. I could hear him jerking off and his face was like something you'd only see in porn. Did he practice that face? Did Baz even watch porn? Or was he born this pornographic? He moaned and those beautiful eyebrows scrunched up and his mouth hung open wetly. Crowley, that mouth _swallowed my cum_. I didn't know if I wanted to kiss him or run the hell out of here. He moaned again loudly and I felt the warmth shoot against my leg. I turned away and tried to cry as quietly as possible. 

Once he finished pumping himself, Baz leaned against my back and pressed soft kisses along the hunched expanse. His hand paused when the fingers ran through his cum on my thigh and he murmured an apology before shifting around and wiping me down with a wad of tissue. He sighed tiredly and snuggled up against my bare back. 

The kisses stopped after several minutes and when I managed to calm down I looked over my shoulder to see him out cold. He was breathing heavily and it was shocking to see how much he actually looked like the fantasy I had of being in bed with him. That pitch black hair was a bit more ruffled and his lips were a bit more red and swollen, but the peace that I had imagined there was staring right at me. 

I had to get away. 

Rolling off the bed, I stumbled towards my pile of clothes in the bathroom. Their stench was a shock after the shower and woodsy scent that permeated Baz's whole home, but I had nothing else so I got dressed and I rushed out. I tried not to just run out or else someone might mistakenly think I had stolen something and was trying to get away. It took some time but I finally found a bus station and rubbed at my temples as we bumped along the road further and further from the guy who told me he loved me.

Those weren't the words of someone planning to break up with me.

*****

I knew that Penny wanted to say something, but she was desperately trying not to stress me out before the tests. My leg was shaking anxiously as we sat on the hard plastic chairs. There were a lot of posters around with strong and lean men saluting and looking very sharp in their uniforms. They even had a few with ladies on them now. 

The Major didn't come with me today because he insisted that I was all grown up and was entering the military. I couldn't have my dad help me with anything anymore.

Penelope didn't care about shit like that. She knew how nervous I got about tests of any kind and she was sitting right there with me like she had been every day since we met. Penny had never let me down and as far as I know I had never let her down. In a serious way, at least. I'm sure that she's been disappointed with my stupidity plenty of times but she was never disappointed enough to give me that _look_ like her mom does. Her mother is truly scary. 

Not as scary as the Major, though. 

I reached out and held her hand tightly. She squeezed back and continued to look around the small waiting room. She had already scared off all the recruiters who were excited to see a person who was female and a minority. Apparently that was a good thing when recruiting. 

"Not just for the military," she had explained with a huff. "Every head hunter would like to add that notch to their belt and tout their 'diversity' to their superiors."

Personally I thought that they could all just see how smart and talented she was and anyone would want that in their business or group. Penny's phone began vibrating again. I took a peek at the screen when she pulled it out and even though she shut off the screen pretty quickly it had been hard to miss Baz's picture. My stomach dropped even further and I thought that I might actually vomit. I hadn't responded to any of his texts or calls since I ran away and now he was reaching out to Penny. 

My head was throbbing again and I could feel the sweat building on my brow. I hated that they made us take paper tests. Why couldn't we just go out of the field and do practical exercises? What good did sitting on these chairs do? Or writing things out with a pencil? I just wanted them to point me in the right direction and let me loose to follow the directions. I didn't need to think, just do. 

Baz confused things for me.

Don't think. Don't think. Don't think.

My name was called out and I looked at Penny uncertainly. This was where I was supposed to be - my fucking destiny. This was all I had worked towards for my entire life. I couldn't fuck it up now. Penny was terrible at having a poker face and I could see the concern she had for me. It wasn't as comforting as I had hoped it would be, but I took what I could get. With a deep breath I stood and followed the young man to the room in the back.

*****

"How long are you planning on ignoring Baz?"

My hands were still shaking and we were walking to the Bunce house instead of taking the bus so that I could work some of this nervous energy out. A hot breeze blew by and her skirt flew up in the back a bit. 

"I...don't know. Till I get shipped out, I guess."

Her chubby finger pushed up the bedazzled cat-eyed glasses and she gave me a stern look.

"You're being a coward, Simon, and that's not you."

She was right, but I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't see Baz again before I got shipped off.

"I just can't, okay?"

"Did he hurt you?" she demanded and her fist tightened up automatically. Crowley, I loved this girl.

"No, nothing like that."

"Then _what_?! You've been stupid for him since middle school and you finally start dating only to ditch him right before you get sent off to basic training and Crowley knows where else?"

"But that's the point, Penny!" I insist. "I'm going away and nothing is going to change that! Baz isn't coming with me and I'm not staying here with him. I can't do this. I shouldn't have done it at all. I should have stopped when we got caught at school, or better yet I should have _never_ done anything with him."

She looked surprised by my outburst and I felt the desire to start crying again. But I wouldn't. Weaknesses and all that.

"But you _like_ him, Simon. You _want_ to be with him. Why won't you even try?"

"I did, Penny."

"Bullshit."

We continued the walk in silence. This was another thing that I appreciated about Penny - she knew when to give me some space. She'd say her bit and beat me over the head with it for a while, but she would always know when to back off before it became too much for me. She'd give me space to absorb information and figure things out. Right now I just wanted to eat junk food and lay on her lap while we watched a movie. The Major was expecting me by bedtime and we'd get the test results in a couple of days. 

I'd never seen him so excited.

I think that he was planning on getting back in as soon as I was off to basic training and I smiled a bit just thinking of how happy he could finally be. The Major could finally start doing all those things he talked about, leading the charge in policy change and making a real difference in the world. And honestly I was glad to finally be on my way to doing the thing I knew would make him proud of me. I wanted to know what that felt like, to have someone proud of me. 

Basic training would be pretty easy with how he trained me. I didn't need to be coddled, was good at following orders, and could take apart, clean, and reassemble a pistol and rifle well within the required times. I could sleep just as comfortably on straight up dirt as I could on a bed, and I was proficient at polishing boots and ironing the uniform. I was trained to be the model soldier. I could do this. 

"What do you want to watch?" Penny finally asked as we turned the corner to her block. "I've already claimed the TV on the family group text."

"Something with Tom Cruise?" 

She sighed in annoyance and shook her head. "How did I not know you were gay?" I shrugged. I still wasn't really sure if I was. "Okayyyy, how about _Knight and Day_? At least a girl saves the day in that one."

"That's fine."

"Okay, I can- Oh shit!"

I startled and look up from my shoes at her only to see her wincing in the direction of her house. I looked up and paled. 

Baz was leaning against his car in front of her house and he was looking pretty pissed off. 

"Bunce. Snow."

The Major hadn't bothered to even pass his name down to me and the sharp reminder of that seemed to be an intentional low blow.

"Piss off, Baz," Penny shot back heatedly. "Can't you take a hint? He doesn't want to talk to you!"

Bless this beautiful girl. She still had my back even when she thought I was in the wrong.

"You can't just run off like that," he shot back angrily, looking directly over her head and at me. "I deserve an explanation!"

"He'll explain if and when he wants to," Penny shouted and she was squaring off with him as if she was planning on taking this to the sidewalk in a brawl. 

His lips pursed and those strong arms crossed over his chest. He was wearing a button-up blouse that could have come from the women's department and fucking _jeans_ that hugged in all the right places. He was beautiful, and so very angry. It was understandable. 

"Penny," I sighed as I grabbed her shoulder. "I'll...can you get the movie started?"

"Are you sure?"

She was still tense and wound up.

"Yeah, it won't be long."

Penelope shot Baz a dirty glare before marching up to her house as angrily as she could manage. Once she was inside I turned to face him. Baz's face was stony.

"What the fuck, Simon?"

"Look, it was great and everything, Baz, but..." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "It's got to end, okay? I'm heading out soon and I'll need to focus on training."

My eyes opened and saw the shock on his face. He hadn't been expecting that.

"What?"

"I'm not even going to have a phone," I added. "Just email."

"I c-can email," he stammered.

Now I was surprised.

"No, you _can't_ , Baz. Because I can't. I can't do this with you."

Baz was looking sick now and I felt terrible. This wasn't how I planned on breaking up with him, but I didn't really have a better one. This is why I didn't bother to think, because I'd screw it up anyway. The last thing he told me was that he loved me and now I was throwing this out at him. I never even told him just how much he meant to me or how much I did love him too. Now was definitely not the time for that and there probably wouldn't ever be another chance. 

I couldn't really help it, not with him standing there with those eyes wide and wet. I've never seen Baz cry, not even that time in the lion's pen, but this was getting pretty close and I couldn't stand it. My arms were wrapped around his shoulders and I had him pinned against his car in a sloppy and desperate kiss. It didn't matter if Mr. or Mrs. Bunce could see us from the windows. They've already tried to ban me from the house to no avail and Penny wasn't about to give in on the matter now. Not days before I would leave and what might be the very last time I ever saw her. 

Shit, thinking that this might be the last time I ever saw Baz froze my innards and I kissed him more desperately. Was it possible to memorize the ways that lips felt? To hold on to the feeling of his body against mine? To imprint the smell of cedar and bergamot in my very DNA? While I fully expected Baz to find someone else to love fairly easily, I knew he was it for me. I knew it the moment he kissed back in that empty classroom all those months ago. 

"Go and be happy," I murmured against his lips before claiming a few more kisses.

"Don't you know by now?" he whispered and it cut straight through my guts. "That I couldn't be happy without you?"

"You will," I insisted. 

He had to. Baz had to find someone else. 

I pulled away and he seemed too tired to straighten up. My shaky hand wiped at my mouth. 

"Please don't."

Never once in all of our years together had I ever heard Baz beg. He never had to when the whole rest of the world was so eager to lay itself at his feet. It hurt to hear that tone in his voice now. 

"Goodbye, Baz."

"W-wait." I paused and couldn't help but look back over my shoulder at him. He seemed to force his body to move, sluggishly instead of the usual smooth grace, and he pulled open the door to pull a package out from the passenger seat. It was neatly wrapped, perfectly meticulous like the rest of Baz. "Happy birthday, Simon," he whispered. "I hope you get everything you want."

He was gone by the time I opened it in the living room and I sniffled quietly as I took a large bite from the still warm cherry scones. Penelope just raised the volume on the television and pretended that nothing was wrong.


	2. Part 2, Simon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a tough chapter, so please read through the trigger warnings before you go forward. A lot of what's tagged for this story comes in to play in this chapter so be careful.
> 
> Trigger warning: child abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, mental breakdown, disassociation, hallucinations, mental disorder, depression, anxiety, alcohol abuse, eating disorder, binge eating and purging, PTSD, unhealthy relationships, bad communication around sex and boundaries, discomfort with sex, panic attacks, verbal abuse, emotional outburst, poor communication

This didn't make any sense. 

I didn't know what to do or what to say because I hadn't been prepared for this outcome. I hadn't been _trained_ for this outcome. 

The Major had gone completely stiff when he read the letter and marched right out of the room while I was left shaking. There was no protocol for this. I just went over to my corner to kneel on the slats of 2x4s and lifted my hands up and behind my head. It never took long for them to start shaking but I had learned early on to just settle into the pain. 

There was a special place in my brain where I went in those moments of burning and aching muscles and that's where I hid now. I imagined that I was flying. Stupid, I know, and totally cliche but I couldn't help it. I was a dragon soaring over the air, my wings outstretched and my tail dragging along through the wind behind me. The sky was always a bright blue when I did this, with fluffy white clouds in the distance. 

Maybe I'd fly over the winding roads of Route 66 like a quintessential American or something. I'd like to travel and that's called the Mother Road for a reason. I looked up pictures of the road in the library once and I would always fly through the scenery in those pages. Large towers of rock, over deserted towns, through woods, over rolling hills...

I just kept flying, for hours. My arms were completely numb and I was sure that I wouldn't be able to walk straight for a week with my knees aching so badly, but I didn't know what else to do. The Major hadn't made any sounds that I could hear and I didn't even know if he was still in the house. He hadn't been the one to tell me to go into the corner, but I still didn't feel safe leaving it yet. 

Honestly, I didn't feel very safe at all.

I had failed. Everything that I was and did meant nothing because I was a failure. I couldn't even accomplish the only goal I had in life.

Dyslexia and symptoms of ADHD and maybe another neurodivergent diagnoses. Further testing recommended, but completely disqualified from serving in the US Army.

This might explain why I struggled so much in school. Penny might even be happy. Fuck, she was probably going to be thrilled. But...I wasn't. This wasn't where I was supposed to be. Eighteen years old and completely out of options. What was the Major going to do with me now? He couldn't go back to the military if he still had to take care of me. Would he kick me out and go anyway? Go off and do the great things that he was meant for? 

"Simon, come...come in here," the Major slurred from the other room. 

Oh shit, he's drunk. He's been getting drunk.

I should have been running.

 _Flying_.

My legs don't work well and I stumble and trip my way to the living room. He's got a couple of empty bottles at his feet and the letter in his hand.

"Yes, sir," I whisper.

Those brown eyes look up at me sadly. Had he been crying? Or was he flushed from the alcohol?

"You're broken," he stated sadly and my heart clenched painfully. "I've tried, Simon. I really have tried to fix you. That's why I kept pushing, you know. Because I wanted to fix you and make you better."

"Th-thank you, sir."

What else could I say?

"But I couldn't do it, Simon. I can't fix something so broken that it would kill from birth. You killed your mother, Simon. Did you know that?"

"Yes, sir."

He was looking miserably at the wall beside where I stood at attention.

"Killed that bright bundle of light. She was so full of life, Simon. Full of life and energy. Bled it all out because of you. You tore her from the inside out, too inhumane to even understand that you were destroying the person who was supposed to take care of you. You didn't cry either, Simon. Normal babies cry and are comforted. But you just laid there quietly, content in the murder of your mother."

These were new words and they cut into me with a fiery heat. 

"I'm sorry, sir."

Those watery eyes were focused on me now and I felt the bile in my throat. 

"I know you are, Simon. And I'm sorry too. I tried to fix you, to make you as close to human as possible, but that's just not what was meant to be. You're a fucking devil, Simon."

It felt like the edges of my body were blurring again and my head was throbbing. I wanted to scream and shout and throw things around in despair. 

"What...what can I do, sir?"

"Kneel here on the floor and don't fight back." 

I swayed as I walked forward, obeying him without hesitation. This wasn't fair! I did everything that he asked me to. I did it all. I ate the soap when my words stuttered, I took the lashes when I wasn't fast enough or strong enough, I trudged through heat and cold, wet and dry because he told me that it would all lead to my destiny. It would all help me make a difference. I took the hits that would toughen my body up, the beatings that would make my bones strong. 

But the Major didn't seem to think that there was anything else for me here, either. 

I was worth nothing anymore.

"This is better, Simon," he tried to explain even as he wiped at his eyes. "You won't be able to hurt anyone else ever again. And you won't have to hurt anymore either."

It hurt. Inside and outside as he beat me. For all the training I had done, it still hadn't been enough. My skin broke and my blood splattered. There was cracking and crunching, and when he got the bottle in hand even my will broke. 

"Stop it...stop hurting me!" I cried, completely worthless and broken down. 

My hands were up to protect my face and I couldn't see anything anymore. There was just an endless ringing in my ears and the disconnected numbness with my limbs. 

*****

"You should eat something, Simon."

I blinked slowly and looked up to see Penelope standing beside me with a plastic-wrapped sandwich in her hand. It must have come from the cafeteria. 

"I'm not hungry."

For probably the first time in my life it was true. She looked like she might start to cry.

"I...you can come stay at my place. I know that you've still got the house for now, but I didn't think you'd want to go back there."

I didn't.

"Penny, your parents don't like me. They barely tolerate me as is. I'm not moving in."

"Even if it's for a few days-"

"No, I can't." I didn't want to be around anyone right now. "I'll be fine."

"Where are you going to stay?"

"The house is fine." 

It wasn't. I'd rather sleep out on the streets.

She was shifting her weight anxiously and I could see her scraped up knees peeking out from under her skirt. They were always getting scraped as she crawled along the floors to search for something or another. The Bunce house was an unkempt disaster. 

"Simon, it's...you don't have to be brave right now. It's okay to lean on your friends."

I shrugged.

Friend. Penny was my only real friend.

The cast on my arm was itching something awful and I used its rough texture to scratch at the stitches on my cheek. "I'm not brave, Penny. Never was."

A nurse walked up with the discharge papers. I'd already been given the go ahead from the police officers to leave so long as I showed up to the court date that was written down on the paper in my pocket. Even if I was staying out in the streets I'd go. It's not like there was anything else I had going on right now. No goals, no direction. No family. One friend. 

"Simon!"

My whole body trembled as the voice registered in my ears and I shot to my feet just in time to see Baz running down the hall towards me. He was in a school t-shirt and running shorts with a headband keeping his hair out of his face. It was a ridiculous ensemble, and I actually burst out laughing from the sheer shock. He slid to a halt in front of me and grasped both of my shoulders as if he was afraid I would completely shatter right in front of him. 

"Baz?" I laughed deliriously.

Those frightened grey eyes shot towards Penelope.

"Head trauma?"

"Yes, but it should be fine so long as someone is watching over him."

"Concussion? Or worse?"

"Concussion. These things are tricky, but they think it'll be okay so long as he doesn't fall into a coma or something."

I stared between the two of them as they volleyed words and wondered if maybe I hadn't made it out of the house at all. Maybe I was dying and my brain was spazzing out. Because Baz would never be dressed like this and he and Penny wouldn't be having a civil conversation, regardless if the subject matter was me. She crushed his friend's testicle for crying out loud!

"Are they sending him off with any medication?"

Penny grabs the plastic bag with pain pills from my hand and gives it to Baz.

"Pain pills and some anti-inflammatories. Instructions are inside the bag."

"Perfect." He looked over the bag and then gave an unimpressed glare at the soggy sandwich in her hand.

"Look, it's what I could afford at the cafeteria and thought he might eat, you asshole."

"If you want him to eat something, it's got to be slathered in butter," he retorted before reaching out for my hand and pausing over the cast. "Or at least something that's at least edible for a dog. Honestly, Penny."

She threw the sandwich at his face and I laughed again. Not really because it was funny, but because the whole situation was just so bizarre that I was sure I was dying. My last moments were a weird sit-com starring myself and the people most important to me. All I needed now was for the Major to burst out from hiding in a song and dance declaring that "surprise!" It's all just been a test and I really did actually pass it and he was proud of me. Just before the credits would roll there's a plot twist and I find out that my mom isn't actually dead! She's been watching from afar but now she can reveal herself and she can let me know how much she's loved me and how proud that she is that I never gave up.

I did it.

My parents were proud.

It took me a while to realize that I was doubled over and sobbing hysterically. Baz was on his knees in front of me, letting me bury my face in his neck and murmuring soothing nonsense. His workout attire was so ridiculous and I couldn't help but think that if he bent over he'd be giving a free show to anyone standing behind him. That made me laugh again and I couldn't stop.

*****

I couldn't really sleep and it wasn't just because Baz kept checking on me through the night to make sure that I hadn't fallen into a coma. I vomited once but after a call to the ER he decided to just continue monitoring my status rather than take me in. My dreams were even more twisted than this strange new reality and I wasn't sure which I preferred. A part of me was certain that Baz was supposed to be at school during the day, but I was also sure that I saw the spirit of my mother floating through the apartment so I'm not sure that I'm completely with it. 

I'm fed a steady supply of scones (heavily buttered) and popcorn. Something to munch on while I lay on the couch. My head hurts too much to watch any shows so Baz just plays audio books all day. He makes sure that I take my medication on time and he redresses all of the wounds that need attention. He's even helped me take a bath everyday, but none of it is like it was before I broke up with him.

Strange to think that I'm currently living with my ex-boyfriend.

One morning I could have sworn that I heard voices. 

Hushed whispers about Baz not doing what was right and that he shouldn't be trying to take care of someone who obviously needed professional help. Whispers that he had his whole life ahead of him and getting saddled with the degenerate first-love of his life was foolish and was never going to end well. 

"It'll just end in flames!"

In and out of awareness I'm not entirely sure how the whole conversation even went, but Baz was still there when I blinked sleepily and made my way from the bed to the couch. 

*****

It's the day of the court date that the sheen of disbelief starts to wear off my consciousness. 

A heart attack was responsible for the sudden death of the Major. He had a fucking heart attack while attempting to beat me to death. There was no money left for me, the house would go back to the bank, and as I recently turned 18 I couldn't even attempt for Welfare or anything as a minor. I was now officially an orphan with no money and no prospects. Penny squeezed my hand during the proceedings and Baz took notes. After I was cleared of any misconduct in the death of the Major and was finally allowed to leave, all three of us sat quietly in Baz's apartment with carry out on the floor. Penny didn't look quite as shocked by this place as I had been the first time I saw it.

"Simon, my original plan was to keep saving up for a place until I finished community college and entered university, but maybe we could get a place together? That way you wouldn't be homeless."

"He's not homeless," Baz shot back in offense. He was looking rather fit in his suit. 

"You know what I mean, Baz," she grumbled before taking a large bite of her smothered baked potato. 

Baz hadn't even opened his plastic container of...whatever the heck he ordered.

"No, I really don't, Penny," he practically growled. "Simon lives _here_ and he's more than welcome to stay as long as he wants to."

She huffed in annoyance. I can't remember the last time I even had to talk what with Penny doing it for me.

"That's all fine and dandy until you head off to Ivy League School, you dumbass! Which is in a couple of months, by the way! We need to find somewhere Simon can afford!"

"As usual, Penelope Bunce, you're a step behind," he snarked and I peeked out from behind the growing curls that hung over my forehead. I hadn't wanted to shave my head until the last moment so naturally I hadn't needed to do it at all. "I'm not going to Harvard."

Penelope and I honest to goodness _gasped_ out loud. 

"What?!"

He fidgeted with his cuffs and looked off to the side as if he was bored, but there was a definite increase in color along his cheekbones.

"I've withdrawn my application and have been accepted to the local university so that I can take up an internship with Lamb Inc." Penny's eyes went wide behind her glasses and I just stared helplessly at him. "It's a position as a buyer and it will be training me in practical negotiation. Mr. Lamb and my father have been associates for years."

"But... _Harvard_!"

He shrugged a bit awkwardly. Shrugging was always more my thing anyway. 

"Ivy League School won't offer the same benefits as practical experience. And I might even be able to transfer in later if I decide to. It depends on how the internship goes."

I turned my eyes away from him and stared at my knees. It's the same outfit I wore when I came here from the hospital and there are holes in the knees of the jeans. I wasn't dumb enough to think that Baz suddenly decided completely independent of my situation that staying in town and attending a no-name local university was better for his life then attending Harvard. Fuck, I wasn't only messing up my own life but that poison was now seeping into his life too. I needed to get out of here.

"Baz, you don't have to do this," I stated as firmly as I could. "I'll be fine. I-"

"Please, don't," he murmured and it was like a punch to the throat.

I could see him standing beside his car with those swollen lips and hand outstretched with a present for me. I've already broken him once.

"This isn't healthy," Penny insists loudly, as if she could speak the situation better. 

Baz laughs coldly and leans back too casually against his sofa. A bitter smile was curled on his lips and he just stared off towards the empty kitchen. 

I don't have anything else to say until it's almost midnight. Penny had gone home after our dinner and said that she would be back to help me figure out something for next steps. She'd even mentioned something about emailing me information for several therapists, but I didn't want to really talk about anything right now. 

Stepping quietly out of the bedroom, I wasn't surprised to see that Baz was still up and had his fancy highlighters all out while he read a textbook. His skin had already begun to pale due to so much time spent indoors this summer. I had never spent a summer with him before, but he had always been so bronze at the start of the school year. My bare feet shuffled over the plush carpeting and I tugged lightly at the edge of the silk boxers I was wearing and shifted a bit uncomfortably with the way Baz's shirt was a bit too tight across my chest and shoulders. Where he was tall and lean, I was short and broad. It didn't bode well for clothes sharing, but I didn't exactly have any money or means to get new clothes. 

I did notice that he had a bigger ass than I did. But that was more something that I noticed that one time we were naked and rolling around his bed than by wearing his underwear. 

The textbook was set aside and Baz smiled tiredly at me as he noticed me standing at the doorway. I hesitated for a few more seconds before shuffling over and sitting heavily beside him. He was wearing floral leggings and a loose shirt that he had explained was a "tunic". Regardless, I thought it made him look cute and soft. Even his hair being put up in a bun with pastel hair clips keeping the hair too short to be tucked away out of his face was cute. It made him look younger and softened up the dark bags under his eyes.

"Studying?" I asked nervously. 

"Yeah," he yawned before lifting an arm to put around me. He froze in uncertainty, but before he could pull his arm back to himself I moved up against him so that he had to put his arm over my shoulders. "The classes aren't hard, but I don't want to be caught off guard during the tests."

I placed one of my hands on his knee and I could hear him swallowing thickly. I wasn't the only one nervous.

"Baz, I...well, thanks for letting me stay here. I know you didn't have to and after how our last conversation went before the shit hit the fan, I..."

The words were harder to get out than I thought they'd be.

A hand came up and cupped my cheek for a moment before tilting my face up so that I could look into his eyes properly. "I'm glad you're here Simon. I'm not glad about the situation that brought you here, but I'm glad that you accepted my offer to be here. I _want_ you here."

My stomach was twisting and churning and it felt like the temperature had been turned up several degrees. His eyes were scorching me with their sincerity and I just wanted to throw myself into his arms again. So, of course, that's exactly what I did. 

There were no tears this time, but I straddled his hips and clung to his neck, burying my face against his fragrant hair. His arms wound around my waist and I shuddered, my body wracked with dry sobs. He pressed kisses along my neck, tender and warm and his hands only hesitated for a second before dipping under the t-shirt and running fingertips over the expanse of my back. 

I had never felt beautiful before Baz held me in his arms, and tonight even though I felt less than beautiful and desirable there was some kind of magic that Baz cast over me. I felt warm and safe. I felt wanted. Baz had never asked anything of me except that I didn't leave him. 

"Would you take me back?" I whispered against that dark hair. It smelt so good that I was tempted to take a taste to see if it tasted just as good. "I'm sorry for pushing you away."

"Oh Simon," he whispered back heatedly, tugging my head back gently by gripping the curls just above the back of my undercut. "Simon, I would take you back over and over if I had to. I want you - I _have_ wanted you - for so long."

"Can I?" My voice sounded wrecked.

Baz was flushed and trembling under me and it did funny things to my insides. 

"You don't have to ask," he replied as he gently cupped the back of my neck.

I pressed heavily against him and he moaned softly before I swallowed it up with my lips. The cast on my left arm made it harder to feel as much of him as I wanted to, but he didn't complain and I just worked with what I could. It was heavenly, as close to that as a devil like me could feel. The heat smoldered between us and I kept taking as much as I could from those lips. I tugged on his hair and squirmed over his thighs, hungrily taking in each shaky moan and cry. He rocked up into me and I barely register the sound of his book hitting the floor as we get more heated in our movements. Our mouths worked messily against each other and I ground down against him with an odd desperation. 

Things were muzzy and the flames were licking along my body sharply. It was all so intense that it ached but I needed this. I needed to give him this. 

Baz had never demanded anything of me before, but he also had never given up his school for me before. 

Harvard was expensive.

His family's approval was expensive.

And I had nothing but this to pay him back with. 

Nothing but the love in my heart and a body that could do what it was told to. 

*****

The next couple of months passed in a quiet blur. There were tests I took at the community college to determine learning disabilities and I half-heartedly started talking with a councilor over the phone. Baz bought me a new wardrobe, but I insisted it all be from somewhere affordable like Walmart or Target. He absolutely refused to shop at a second-hand store, but Penny snuck me in some goods from our favorite Salvation Army. 

Even though she constantly complained about the ride into downtown, Penny came and visited me most days while Baz finally started attending his classes again. She tried to convince me to go to college in the fall with her but I kept coming up with reasons not to. I wasn't smart enough for a scholarship and I had no money. I couldn't even try to hold a job yet as I healed. The tests at the college had informed me of just how hard it would be to try to get through college and even though I was allowed special resources like longer test times and private test taking rooms, it all still seemed so overwhelming.

What degree would I even try to go for?

Baz had brought in his schedule for the fall semester and color-coded everything for me so that I could see what he was doing and when. It was a kind gesture, especially when he added the phone number to the office at Lamb Inc. if I couldn't get through his cellular phone, but it still emphasized just how far he was moving on from graduation. He had goals and dreams and plans, and every day he was making progress on them. The internship would start a week before classes so that he could get a proper introduction into their business and then he had a full schedule for the rest of the semester. 

He promised to study at home as much as possible so that I wouldn't be alone for so long, but I didn't want to force him to. Instead, I just got very familiar with the different cable stations and their schedules. I couldn't afford to be so picky anymore, and thankfully I even had access to Baz's Netflix and DisneyPlus accounts. I had never pegged him for a Disney fan, but I suppose with so many siblings much younger than him he was probably familiar with all of their movies and shows. 

There were plenty of workout videos available with streaming too, but I couldn't be bothered with that. It took too much energy. I would watch Baz go through his workouts in the morning; too many incidents at the gym made him stay home these days, but I couldn't blame the flirty admirers when he'd wear such obscene and tempting clothes. Baz couldn't be bothered to wear sweats or basketball shorts like a normal guy. Nope, he had to wear leggings or racy jogging shorts with these flimsy tops that would have been better used as tissue paper than body coverings. 

I enjoyed the view as he worked out, firmly planted on the couch, and made a mental note that he worked hard to keep that ass pert and plump. After his workouts he would always make us a healthy breakfast and most of the time I would eat it. We'd make out or he'd study and then soon enough he'd be about his productive day while I rested on the couch until Penny came over. More often than not I'd still stay on the couch while she was here, but at least I could talk to someone. 

As soon as college started Penny would be off being productive as well. She was having some issues with her long-distance boyfriend so sometimes she chatted with him while we hung out. Micah seemed like a nice enough fellow, I suppose. 

It didn't seem polite to stay in the guest bedroom anymore when we got back together, especially when his Aunt Fiona dropped by one evening unannounced and fell on top of me in the bed because she just assumed it was clear for her. That had been awkward because apparently she liked sleeping in the nude. Baz had been mortified, but probably not as much as me. His aunt had only laughed shamelessly.

We slept together in the same bed after that and it was a strangely comforting thing to do. I loved spooning up behind him and holding him against my chest while I buried my face in his hair. Being so close to someone all the time was something new and different, something that I couldn't quite sort out in my head. I enjoyed it, loved it even, but there were times it felt suffocating. That only made me feel guilty as Baz continued to be more of a caretaker to me than he ever should have been and a more than generous lover. 

I didn't know many gay people at all, but Baz seemed to really love being gay. He loved sucking cock and tasting every inch of me and he enjoyed each and every kind of fucking that we got up to. He taught me all the proper and necessary things for having a healthy and safe sexual life and so that he could do crazy things like eating my ass out. I never even knew that that was a thing. Who was the first person to think of it, I wondered. 

It was...still intense. 

Months of sex with Baz should have made things better, but it was only making me more miserable. Miserable and guilty as hell. It's not like we would go at it all the time but that only made me feel worse. Baz was so busy with different things and he gave up so much time for me between the other events of his life, time that he focused on trying to make me happy and feel good. Even when he approached me for more than making out I had the sinking suspicion that it was partially also to make me feel better. He never asked me to return the favor for blow jobs, and rimming, and I knew that he would have even gladly have been the one to be penetrated if it hadn't been for my vehement insistent that I was not interested in topping. 

I couldn't hide how much I hated this if I tried to top him.

As it was, trying to hide my discomfort was a challenge. Baz was so fucking eager to please me, and I could see it in his face how much he loved being intimate with me. He was vocal with his words and sounds of pleasure, and I loved it. But I hated the touches. I hated how it felt over my skin and over my nerves. Like my nerves were too sensitive and everything hurt and made me want to run. It took so much effort to keep my grimace buried under a shaky smile and more often than not I found different ways to hide my face in the sheets or the pillows so that he wouldn't notice. I even insisted on the lights being out or very low when we had sex.

His kisses were so tender as he'd hold me afterwards and it was just another brick in my tower of self-loathing. 

Baz cared about me so much and he tried so hard to do anything and everything for me. He never once complained that I didn't clean up around the apartment or that I had put on 15 lbs over the summer. He never demanded that I workout with him, but he always kept up with his own strict routines and healthy lifestyle. Baz never once even made fun of me for not signing up for college classes or made me feel badly for being completely useless.

But more often than not all of his support and kindness made me feel even worse about myself and my situation. It was so glaringly obvious that I was holding both Baz and Penny back. I wasn't bettering their lives in any way. I wasn't contributing to anything. I couldn't even figure out any goals to work towards. 

It was exhausting and I resented being such a complete fucking mess while I was with the most perfect man in the universe. What kind of fucked up did you have to be not to enjoy sex? Not to enjoy your partner lavishing complete attention to you? Not to enjoy each and every second of that perfect specimen finding you desirable enough to want to fuck. Baz _wanted_ to fuck me. Even as my belly and thighs got softer and wider, he didn't hesitate to pepper kisses along them before ducking down to suck me off. He still held me tight as we slept and snuggled against me on the couch while he studied and I watched _Real Housewives_. 

I was spoiled with the best and was wretchedly miserable.

I hated myself.

*****

The air was getting crisp and I enjoyed the burn on my cheeks as I walked to the small market just down the street from Baz's apartment. Midterms were coming up for Penny and Baz and while Baz had left me a healthy lunch in the fridge I didn't think I could stomach it. Powdered donuts and rum punch pouches were calling my name. Maybe I'd even get a greasy meatball sandwich too. Ebb and Nicodemus, the owners of the small grocery store knew that I wasn't old enough to be buying alcohol yet but they took pity on me and never asked for a card. Ebb made the best meatball sandwiches and I kept telling myself to bring one for Baz to try but it never made it all the way back to the fridge so far. 

I pulled a bit at the waistband of my jeans. Penny had gotten me this pair a couple of weeks ago and they were already getting snug. At least I was _walking_ and not ordering in. Although I'm not sure there is anyway to order in alcohol. I chewed on my lip and wondered if Baz had even noticed that I started drinking. I've only passed out a couple of times from the drinking and that was usually on days he was out studying till midnight. He was taking a ton of classes this semester, especially considering that he also had a part time job.

A demanding part time job. 

Mr. Lamb was always texting him or emailing him stuff and Baz never ignored those. Not even when he was elbow deep in a research paper. I would see him smile sometimes at the phone before tucking it away in his pocket and it made my stomach feel funny in a different way than the sex or affection did. Those smiles were soft Baz smiles. I don't think that he ever wore one during our school years. It was only after we graduated that I got to see it, but Mr. Lamb got to see it already. My nail beds were already raw from the compulsive chewing on them I did all day. Turns out that watching reality TV wasn't distracting enough to make me stop the bad habit. 

Ebb waved me in when I stepped through the creaky door of their store and I waved back warmly. The building wasn't much warmer than outside and I was glad that I didn't need to take off my sweater. I hated when stores were too warm. I added a few bags of potato chips to my small haul and decided that a meatball sandwich was an excellent choice. It would help balance out the rum pouches I figured. With all of my goods paid for, I slowly made my way back to the apartment. The joy of a hot meal and copious amounts of sugar and alcohol was short-lived and I was back to the familiar numbness. 

Why should I be bothered to enjoy the sandwich? It wasn't my money that paid for it. I still hadn't been able to properly search for a job. I applied once to be a cashier, but it had taken me weeks of agonizing and privately crying to do it and by the time they called me back to schedule an interview I was too exhausted to follow through. They stopped calling pretty quickly. 

My feet continued carrying me along the familiar path through the busy city streets when I heard a laugh that shocked me into a halt. My head turned and my eyes darted around until they landed on the familiar figure of my boyfriend next to the unfamiliar figure of an older man. I was still frozen in place as I watched that man laugh along with Baz, his hand resting easily on Baz's lower back. Baz was laughing. 

He was _laughing_. 

The stress he carried from work and homework didn't seem to be hovering over him and that bronze face was fully animated and smiling widely as he gestured with both hands. The man that I could only assume was Mr. Lamb, although it could be fucking anyone else, watched Baz speak with a fond and open expression. It wasn't a facial expression that I had ever imagined that a CEO of a big corporation could manage. Nor was going on a little afternoon walkabout the city with a part-time intern. Didn't he have a business to run? 

I knew that Baz came from a wealthy and well-known family and that he was also drop-dead gorgeous so it would make total sense for anyone to want to be around him, but wasn't that guy a bit too old to be flirting with a teenager? Wasn't that illegal or something? Not even just the age difference, but Baz was his employee!

And my fucking boyfriend!

The street was too loud to hear what they were saying but whatever they were discussing was lighting up Baz like almost nothing I'd ever seen. His hands were waving around animatedly and staring at this guy like nothing else mattered in the world but him. It was even more shocking because I recognized that look. It was one I had been on the receiving end of more than a few times but I hadn't seen it in so long that I had forgotten. I don't know, maybe he looked at me that way in the bedroom while we fucked, but I'd never know with the lights off and my face buried in a pillow. 

Anxiety and hurt welled up in my chest and I clung to my bag of groceries for dear life. The two of them continued walking down the street and soon disappeared, neither of them ever looking my direction. There had been a time that Baz had always seemed tuned in to me, always able to pick me out of a crowd in order to shoot a sneer in my direction, and it hurt that he didn't notice me now even if we were on opposite ends of a busy street. 

My shaking hands clung to the bags and I forced my feet one in front of the other until I was back in our apartment. Baz was getting tired of me and I couldn't blame him one bit. I was a perpetual mess, always causing trouble and never being able to contribute anything other than a romp in the sheets. There were plenty of times that I would snap at him or lock myself in the bedroom, _his_ bedroom until the next morning. He was scared for me, scared of what I would do if he wasn't there and it made me sick. 

Even my therapist had suggested bringing in Baz to some of the sessions out of concern that our relationship wasn't healthy. She wanted us to learn to communicate better and to set healthy boundaries with each other. But then she started pushing for me to talk about things...things from when I was younger. I didn't want to talk about the things of the past, it was already over. I just wanted to know how to function in the here and now. But she kept _pushing_. 

I hadn't scheduled an appointment in over a month and wasn't responding to any of her calls or emails. I hadn't mentioned it to Penny or Baz either, knowing that they would both be so disappointed in me. It was just another thing they would pity me for. Or force me into. 

The meatball sandwich tasted like sand in my mouth, but I forced it in anyway. Baz wasn't happy with me anymore. He hadn't been since the first time we fucked. Since he first told me that he loved me. He still loved me for some reason, even if it hurt him and me. Fuck, why were we still doing this? Why didn't he run off with someone like that Lamb asshole?

A sudden thought struck me in the chest and I fell back onto the sofa. 

What if he was? Fucking other people, I mean. What if he was dating others while he was away all day? It wouldn't be hard with me confined in the apartment all day and unable to deal with going anywhere or doing anything. The thought of others putting their hands all over him made me inexplicably furious, but then I had to laugh at my stupidity. I didn't even really want to have sex with him so why should I be upset if he got his kicks elsewhere? Maybe if I let him know that I didn't mind he wouldn't feel guilty about it and wouldn't feel the need to offer me pity fucks as often as he did? Maybe things could be better between us? But the thought of others seeing him so open and exposed still made my blood boil. Thinking of Lamb making him laugh was enough to send me down this self-loathing and chaotic spiral of doom, so I could only imagine how I'd feel if I had actual proof of him fooling around with others. 

My mind horribly projected the vision of me smacking Baz right across the face, of making him bleed for such a thing.

It made me rightly sick to my stomach. Sure, I've hit Baz plenty of times before, scuffling throughout our school years, but this was different. This was more like...what the Major would do. It made me sick to think about it. 

I chugged down the rum as fast as I could without getting sick and stuffed my face with everything that I could. There wasn't a lot that I could still do, but I could eat and it seemed to help keep me steady even as I was feeling worse. 

Baz wasn't happy. 

I wasn't happy. 

I was bad. 

I was terrible.

The Major had tried so hard to help me, he'd said so himself and I knew that he wasn't lying. He had cared for me longer than anyone else and had loved me more than anyone else ever had. A small part of me was sure that my mother would have loved me too if she had had the chance, if I hadn't murdered her, but maybe she would have been too disappointed to love me. Penny loved me, but more in the way an exasperated sibling would. She probably would have ditched my ass a while a go (at least for a break) if I hadn't been so fucking pathetic. 

Shit, all the relationships I still had were because I was pathetic and needy. 

Desperate to shut off the thinking voices in my head, I ate everything that I could before puking my guts out in the bathroom. Once the purge was over, I went back to digging through the cabinets and shoved more food down my throat. Penny wasn't stopping by today, so it was okay. Baz wasn't going to be home until late tonight, so there was no one to stop me. 

For a brief moment I considered texting him and letting him know what was happening. He would drop everything to come be with me, would say kind words and hold me tightly - but I couldn't. 

My nail beds were bleeding as I chewed my nails down into the skin and then tore at the skin with my teeth. I tugged on my hair in agitation, jerking hairs out by the roots to feel the pain. I paced around the apartment, glancing over at the clock every time I made it into the living space. I drank every drop of alcohol in the apartment, which was sadly not as much as I'd hoped for. I even knelt in the corner with my fingers tightly entwined behind my head in penance, desperate for the cleansing catharsis of forgiveness.

Nothing helped much.

By the time Baz got home, I was an utter wreck but I couldn't stand the thought of him noticing. He smiled softly at me and my stomach burned with the knowledge that this smile was nothing like the one he had offered so freely to Lamb only a few hours ago. This was a tentative smile, one that was meant to gauge where I was emotionally. Would I crack and start to cry? Would I look away and pretend that he wasn't even there? 

He seemed hopeful tonight, already noticing that I wasn't lying on the couch or mindlessly watching something on the television. It must have seemed like progress, seeing me up and about but that was only because he hadn't seen what I'd been up to these past few hours. He'd probably call Penny when he realized that I'd gone through all of our snacks. They'd whisper and talk quietly behind my back, working out how best to fix me.

But I couldn't be fixed.

I was too broken.

He pressed a soft kiss to the corner of my mouth and I was thankful that I had brushed my teeth already after my last purge. I grasped his hips tightly, hoping that he wouldn't notice the state of my fingers and he brightened. Fuck, he took that as a come on. In for a penny, in for a pound.

The soft lighting of the bedroom gave Baz an otherworldly glow as he hovered over my body. His lips peppered kisses along my flabby stomach and there was nothing in his expression that betrayed disgust or discontentment. He nosed along the trail of hair below my bellybutton and kissed playfully downwards before whispering sweet words and taking me into his mouth. Soft music played in the background, something else that I had insisted on in the last few months as a means to hide my sounds during sex. He looked well pleased going down on me, rubbing my thighs with his hands and making lewd noises that were easily heard over the music.

I turned my eyes up to the ceiling, shoving my hands over my mouth in a familiar gesture. He still wasn't happy like he had been earlier today, but I tried not to be too bothered. Baz pulled off my cock with a lewd pop and I felt one of his hands come up over the hands at my mouth.

"I want to hear, Simon," he stated softly. 

"It's...embarrassing," I choked out nervously.

"I don't mind," he tried to assure me and it only made me feel even more anxious. "I want to hear you, love."

Baz had never been this insistent before and it was making my stomach flip uncomfortably. He had always just allowed me to do my own thing without any pressure.

His free hand immediately went down to my cock and stroked at it eagerly. 

"I don't...please..."

He pressed a kiss against my thigh. 

"You don't have to right now, love. I just want you to know that I won't mind hearing you. In fact, I'd love to, Simon."

I whimpered at the stimulation and trembled as he leaned over to get back to giving me oral. The anxiety was mounting again as I felt the climax coming. I wanted to enjoy this, I always did but something inside of me was fighting against the pleasure and twisting it into horrible feelings. I'm sure that Lamb wouldn't hate getting a blow job from Baz. He'd probably love it, grabbing Baz's hair firmly and fucking eagerly into that hot mouth.

My erection started flagging a bit and that seemed to only make Baz work even harder. He was naturally quite excellent at giving oral and also quite competitive so it didn't really surprise me that he took our intercourse as a personal challenge. Baz had me writhing shamefully in no time at all and then crashing over the edge only moments later. 

My hands smothered the sobs and I rolled over to gather myself, hoping that he would be quick about jacking himself off. It was our normal routine, but sometimes he would ask to fuck me proper and I tried to brace myself for that outcome. It had been a while and the way that he pressed kisses against my ass and hips seemed indicative of more. 

"Simon?" he asked softly.

I took a deep breath.

"Mmm, yeah?"

He pauses and breathes against my hip for a moment which only made me more nervous. 

"I'd...would you be interested in...going down on me?"

Oh fuck. I couldn't really tell in the darkness, but there seemed to be a slight darkening on cheeks indicative of a blush. 

"What?" I squeaked in a desperate attempt to buy myself a few more minutes to _think_. 

His hands kneaded at my plump hips.

"I'd really like it, Simon," he murmured before pressing another kiss to my ribs. "I've...never...I mean, no one's..."

_Think. Don't think. Think. Don't think._

"I don't know...how," I choked out desperately. 

"It'll feel just fine," he encouraged hopefully. "I didn't know how either, but...I mean, you just figure it out. I'll love it, I promise."

My mouth went dry as I turned around in his arms. He pressed an excited kiss to my lips and I barely felt it at all. All of my fingers were numb and the sensation was was spreading up my arms and my breath was coming in short anxious bursts. Baz was trying to read my expression but I ducked my head out of habit so that he couldn't get a good look. His cock was fully engorged and eager to be pleasured and for as perfectly shapely as it probably was (as far as cocks go) I couldn't seem to properly appreciate it. I didn't even want to be looking at it. My throat tightened and it felt like I had attempted to swallow down an orange whole. 

Fingers that didn't even seem attached to my body anymore wrapped around the ruddy cock and gave it a few tentative strokes and Baz moaned shamelessly. He was so easy to please, I vaguely noted, feeling even more detached. Now it was almost like I was floating outside of my body and watching the scene from a humble distance. Baz was clenching the sheets tightly, his still swollen mouth gaped open and eyes glazed over as the hand that belonged to me pumped along the shaft and my mouth drew closer. 

Inexplicable terror tore through the disassociation and I shoved myself away from him with a sob.

"STOP!" I screamed at him. Static seemed to fill my ears and I could see myself putting my hands out to stop the Major. Baz wasn't the Major, not even close, but the panic that was clutching my body was the same. "I can't, I just fucking can't! Stop it!"

Baz's eyes were wide in shock and he gaped at me.

"S-simon?"

"Stop pushing me!" I continued screaming, my hands now clutching at my curls. I wasn't really seeing him anymore, and I couldn't seem to stop the words from pouring out of me. "You're always fucking pushing me and I hate it! I hate it!"

"I didn't mean-"

"But you always do! You keep pushing me and I hate it, Baz! I hate being your fucking whore!"

All color seemed to drain from his face. 

"What are you-"

Things were spiraling now, and I couldn't stop.

"I hate it when you touch me but you never stop! You keep pushing me and making me! You know that I can't pay you with anything else and you just fucking use me! Well, I hate it!"

"I don-"

"And that's all you're fucking good at, isn't it?! Using people! Just like your fucking dad and your whole fucking family!" My voice seemed even further away and I couldn't seem to control any of the vitriol spewing out of my mouth. "Why don't you just make use of your boss since he's gagging so much for it, huh?! Fuck him for all I care and leave me the hell alone!"

The tears burned hotly in my eyes, but they didn't fall. 

"Simon?" he whispered. There was a look on his stricken face that I couldn't figure out. "Do you...do you mean that?"

"Yes," I spat angrily.

"You...I've forced you? Every time?"

"Yes!" Baz looked like he was about to cry and I couldn't stop. "And why should that bother you now, Baz?" I continued. "You've never cared before about pushing me around! That's what you're fucking good at! Well there's plenty of people out there who'd love to fuck you so go bother them instead, okay?! Just leave me the hell alone!"

My vision was hazy now and I could barely hear anything over the roaring in my ears. I thought that Baz was trying to talk to me and I couldn't take it anymore.

"No one could handle your fucking pushing all the time!" I screamed angrily. "Not even your own fucking mother could stand it!"

Those words were enough of a shock to knock me back into my body, to silence the static in my ears, and bringing feeling back to my shaking limbs. My breaths were still coming in shaky gasps and I felt like vomiting for the fourth time today, but the last words I shouted nearly did me in. Baz didn't look stricken or hurt or anything anymore. His face had smoothed over into a completely blank mask. 

_Apologize._

The words wouldn't come now, regardless of how desperate I was to push them out. I hadn't meant to say anything like that, to go for the lowest blow. That's what Baz used to do and he was pretty damn good at it. But ever since our first kiss he hadn't. He'd softened and opened up to me, even if it was just privately. But he'd never opened up about his mother to me in all the time we were together. He'd always had a step-mother, for as long as I could remember and while there had been rumors none of the kids at school had ever really known what exactly had happened with his birth mother. I knew it was a touchy spot for him, had even come to blows over it during middle school, but this was different. This wasn't two stupid little kids trying to get under each other's skin.

I had wanted to hurt him, to push him away as far as possible. 

He was pulling on his clothes now, jerkily and quickly, while I continued to sit on the bed clutching my stomach. Shoes were shoved on carelessly and he didn't even bother to button up his shirt all the way. It was completely unlike the Baz I knew, and it only hurt me worse. He was leaving, just like I wanted, but there was no relief or peace. 

"I'm sorry, Simon," Baz muttered before clearing his throat. He stared hard at the bedroom door and didn't even glance my way. "I'm sorry, Simon, for completely misreading the situation." His words were clear and sharp now. "Regardless of my good intentions, I've hurt you and I shouldn't have. I should have known. I apologize for my abysmal behavior towards you and for violating your boundaries and...and you."

"Baz..."

"I'll let you be. And I hope that you'll one day forgive me." 

His statement wavered at the end and he immediately marched off. I could hear him grab his wallet and keys and then the front door was opened and closed. Just like that, I was all alone and the apartment was quiet again. 

My nose was running and I began sniffling pathetically. I wanted to call Penny, to ask her to come help me, to tell me what to do to make everything better...but I couldn't. I couldn't do this to her anymore. I couldn't keep this up with Baz either, taking and taking only to turn around and hurt him. I leaned back against the wall heavily and listened to the soft music still playing in the background. He forgot his phone.

*****

Seven days after our fight and the last time Baz and I talked, I wrote a note and left the apartment for good. I left everything - my phone, the credit card...everything but the clothes on my back. None of those things had ever really been mine anyway, so I left it. He had tried so hard, but even Baz had never really been mine. We hadn't been compatible because I was too broken.

I left a note for Penny too because she deserved it. She had been the best friend I could ever ask for and I only hoped for the best for her. 

Ebb offered me a watery smile and a packed lunch while Nicodemus waved her off and shot me a wink. Things were going to be different now. I settled into the back of the junked up Jeep with the warm food on my lap and wondered if Baz would ever be able to forgive me. I broke his heart twice and probably hurt him more than anyone else in his life had. And I hoped that Penny would come to forgive me too. 

"You scared, kid?"

I looked up to see Nicodemus' blue eyes staring back at me from the rear view mirror.

"Nah."

"Good. I think you'll do just fine."

"Yeah."

I hoped so, but took comfort in the fact that even if things didn't go well I probably wouldn't even care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to state that Baz and Simon really have been trying to make things work. Sometimes, even if you're doing your best you just not in a place to be able to have a healthy relationship. Being able to realize this takes a lot of work, guidance, and guts. 
> 
> Also, the five chapters of this story will be broken down this way:  
> Chapters 1-3, Simon's POV  
> Chapters 4-5, Baz's POV


	3. Part 3, Simon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's the final chapter from Simon's POV. It takes place a bit over two years later and has some time jumps. I believe that it's all pretty clear, but feel free to let me know what you think.
> 
> While not as heavy as the previous chapter there's still a lot of talk about trauma and trying to move through the effects of it.

Music blared in my ears and I nodded along to the beat while I wrapped the tape tightly around my wrist. My right wrist always gave me trouble with the wrapping because I had never been as good with using my left had as I was with my right. Still, it was better than no tape at all. A few guys squeezed past me in the tiny room, trying not to bump me as I worked and I appreciated it. Most of the guys were pretty cool in this area and I'd been pretty happy with it for the past few months. It wasn't often that I thought long-term about places, but I vaguely toyed with the idea of finally telling Nico that I didn't want to move to another district or league. It wouldn't really matter in the end because I always just followed the money, but it was a nice thought to finally be somewhere for longer than three or four months. 

Pulling one ear bud out, I could tell that the crowd was getting a bit wild out there. There were a lot of heavy bets going into these fights tonight and everyone was eager for the results to play out. I hated trying to keep up with the odds, so I always let Nico take care of all of that. He and I made a great team that way. He figured out which direction was the best one for me and then pointed me towards it before letting loose. 

Rolling my shoulders, I settled my brain in a familiar manner. 

_Don't think. Don't think. Don't think._

_Do. Do. Do._

Tonight it was a little harder because I could see him in the corners of my mind. It wasn't always like that, but today it was. There was snow on the ground out there and Christmas music playing in every public space. It had been years since that winter holiday that had changed my life, but I always felt nostalgic for it. I called Penelope on Christmas Eve last year and I knew that I would do it again if I wasn't knocked out or otherwise indisposed. She appreciated my calls, and I could quell my guilt of abandoning her with that bandage of a solution.

My knuckles were as protected as we were allowed, and I sighed softly as I turned off the music and tucked the player and earbuds into my tiny locker. It was hot in here and sweat was already rolling down my forehead and clinging to my curls. It'd been a while since I'd gotten a haircut and the curls now hung down to to my collar. I'd probably just buzz everything next week after the holiday rush is over and before New Year's Eve. If the fights tonight went well maybe I could convince Ebb to come down and visit me for a couple of days. I always loved the food she could whip up and Ramen noodles were getting a bit old.

Walking down the dingy hallway, I offered a quick smile to the bikini clad girls and kept walking. It hadn't taken long to learn that the only things a girl wanted from someone like me was a quick fuck and maybe some money. I absentmindedly began chewing at my nails before the taste of tape reminded me that I couldn't indulge in that before the fight. Instead, I took my place near the hall that led directly to the cage and I looked over the crowd while I tugged on my curls. 

Nico said that there were some pretty good bets going on tonight and we were looking at maybe being able to take a month off if everything came through the way he anticipated. If Ebb couldn't come, then maybe I could go out to eat for dinner a couple of nights. Maybe I'd even go out to a bar or something for New Year's Eve and kiss a stranger. I wiped a hand over my brow to clear off the sweat and then rubbed it against my jeans. I was always burning up during these fights. 

Matches were made and the hoots and hollers rolling through the building in waves. Soon enough it was my turn and I jogged down the stretch of cement and steel until I came out under the blinding glow of spotlights. The young man standing opposite of me was taller and a lot more wiry, but I could tell that he was going to give me a bit of a struggle. This wasn't a throw away fight. 

The announcer was talking, but I felt the familiar haze taking over my brain. I wasn't made for thinking anyway. This had always been the only thing that I could do well anyway. The bell rang and we were instantly on each other. It was a violent clash like always in this unregulated sport. We as fighters didn't have any of the limitations that sports like MMA or boxing had, but it also meant that we had to be prepared to take all kinds of hits too. 

He didn't hold back and was instantly all over the place landing testing blows. I was patient, something that had taken the first year to learn. I let him test my defenses and allowed him several good hits. It was just pain. I could tell that I'd never be able to outpace him, but I definitely had an advantage if I could pin him down or corner him. He didn't have nearly enough muscle on him to offer enough protection against my heavy blows. Guys like The Wolf always had a better shot against me in tight quarters. 

The Wolf was a total beefcake.

The cheers and taunts surrounding us was a deafening roar that helped me settle into a rhythm. It was bloody and brutal, something that made the crowd scream in glee. He landed a solid blow to my face and ripped my lower lip open. The coppery taste was familiar and I could feel the haze grow more fuzzy around the edges.

This was something that two straight years of fighting had trained me to do - recognize when I was about to go off and point it in the right direction. There were little tricks that I had learned to reign in the haze and the aggression, but nothing could ever stop the explosions. Like a tight coil I finally sprung free and leaped at the taller man. This time I was the one to draw blood. The bastard was still faster than I was, but he sure didn't know how to take a hit as well. It was easier to fight when I took a step back away from my brain. 

As the blows would hit I tended to have flashbacks to beatings from the Major and that always tripped me up. It was embarrassing to think that I still suffered nightmares about him, but who was I going to confess to? Nico? Not likely. And since I wasn't interested in being a fuckboy I never had to worry about frightening off a one-night stand. 

But sometimes...sometimes after a round of nightmares while I trembled and felt the wetness on my cheeks I would feel a calmness wash over me. I'd see pastel hair clips, ruddy skin, and a secretive smile, and all things would be well with me. Even for just a night. Those were the nights that I could actually sleep, but they'd always leave me feeling guilty. It wasn't right that I should ever take comfort in those memories, not after what I'd done to him, but I was too weak.

A blow snuck through my defense and knocked me backwards, my vision blinking out momentarily. 

_Soft puffs of air slipping past those moisturized lips. "A proper skin care routine always includes lip care," he'd always remind me._

The impact of the cage behind me knocked all the breath out of me. 

_Hair flattened on one side and some loose hairs hanging over his forehead and hiding the widow's peak I loved._

The screams were loud enough to rupture my eardrums and I wasn't entirely sure that they weren't bleeding. The blows were coming fast again, a crazed blur. 

_My fingertips tracing over his jawline and the wonderful dream of seeing this for the rest of my life._

*****

"Yeah," I chuckled as I held the ice pack to my face. "Maybe we can do a video chat the next time I go to the library."

"Do you ever go to the library?" Penny asked suspiciously before laughing. 

Smiling hurt, so I didn't.

"They've got audiobooks," I responded, trying carefully not to sound too much like my mouth was stiff and swollen. At least my jawbone wasn't cracked this time.

"Simon..." I tensed as I recognized the tone. "When are you going to come visit me? I know that you...you're busy, but I'd like to see my best friend again. Sometime before graduation would be nice."

"I know, Pen." There weren't any excuses left to use. "Maybe...maybe I can come after the New Year?"

"That would be so great!"

She started chatting away about food that her mother would cook, and how this sibling did something or another and I just leaned back against the cold brick wall and smiled while listening to her. I loved this about Penny, how she could talk for hours and never get angry at me for my minimal contribution. I loved hearing about all of the things the members of her family got up to and how they were all different. I even loved hearing about the things that her parents said and did. Even if they didn't like me, I liked them well enough.

My mind wandered a bit to Baz's siblings. We'd never officially met, but there were a few times that I would listen in on him video chatting with them. All four of them were so cute and I wondered if he had a new sibling now that a few years had passed. Mrs. Grimm sure did like having babies. My aching lips quirked of their own volition at the memory of an irritated Baz getting blackmailed into doing a spa night with his sister Mordelia over his fall break and how he would share stories of losing to the twins at Candy Land.

My chest ached and I didn't really feel like talking anymore.

"Hey, Penny?"

Her words came to an abrupt halt before she recovered. 

"Y-yes? Are you okay? Do I need to come down there now? Wherever there is?"

"I'm a bit tired," I whispered, feeling the warm puff of my breath moist in the frozen air. "And I've just got off work recently, so..."

"Oh, I understand." The disappointment was heavy in her voice, but I knew she was trying to be patient with me. 

Like always.

"I'm sorry, Penny," I mutter.

"No, Simon, you don't need to apologize. I'm a bit tired too." She took a deep breath and sighed. "I miss you so much Simon. Even if we do nothing but sit on the sofa and eat all the cookies and chips again, that's what I want. I want to see with my own eyes that you're doing okay and not drinking yourself to death like-" 

Her words screeched to a halt and I felt that anxious feeling all through my body again.

"Like _who_?" Like the Major?

"Like people who have nothing to live for," she recovered quickly. "You have a lot to live for Simon, me included. You're my best person at my theoretical wedding. Who else am i going to drag through wedding dress stores?"

"Agatha."

"Ugh, Simon, don't joke around like that."

"She's the closest thing to a gal pal you've got. Unless you made friends at college or something."

"You just heard me bitch and moan about useless classmates. No, I don't have any 'gal pal' friends from university."

"Agatha likes dress shopping."

"She's also your ex-girlfriend who never liked me and gets ticked off anytime I text or call her. I can only imagine how insufferable she'd be trying to doll me up."

Things were back to a familiar warmth and I relaxed again. She wasn't angry with me. 

"I miss you too," I finally sighed. It was the truth. "And I'll do my best to come by for a visit. I've got some time off coming up here in a bit. Maybe we can go to the mall or something."

"That's a good idea. Maybe we could even go thrifting. After the holidays is always a good time for that."

"Yeah, sounds good. I'll call you later, Penny."

"Okay, Simon. Please be careful and...please remember that I love you."

"I know," I muttered, feeling that pounding in my head now. 

I was going to have to drink this off. Penny's warnings be damned. 

*****

New Year's Eve rolled by quickly and I was lonely enough to go out clubbing with Nico. We didn't exactly have the same tastes in bars, but I decided what the hell. I wasn't planning on taking anyone home, so what would be the harm in a few flirty dances with strangers in less than considerable surroundings. The club wasn't too bad this time, but the drinks weren't sweet enough and there were too many references to obscure punk bands in the 80s. I wasn't really too good at remembering their names or the names of their songs so I was pretty useless in a conversation about music. I much preferred to dance to it anyway, so I did. 

The crowd wasn't too bad, especially for it being such a major holiday, and I quickly loosened up. A young lady sidled up to me pretty quickly and we had a good run of high-energy songs. She didn't touch too much and I was more than happy to respect her boundaries. She also seemed pretty pleased that my presence kept any unsavory characters away; my scabbed up knuckles and swollen jaw was probably pretty indicative of my status as a brawler. 

We got a few drinks together at the bar and laughed over some recent movie before going back out to the dance floor. The lights in the building flashed in warning of the impending change of date and a large whoop came from the crowd. I allowed a smile to remain on my lips and wondered if Penny was up watching with her family and if...if maybe Baz was having a glass of overpriced wine and in his designer leggings, watching the ball drop in New York City and making a snarky commentary about every celebrity performing or host delivering pre-written punchlines. 

A body pushed up against my backside, stumbling almost and I looked over to apologize only to find my voice caught in my throat. Silver eyes that had no right looking that beautiful. A crooked nose just a bit too high to be considered conventionally attractive. Black hair that reflected the glowing lights all around us.

The music died all around me, and my attention zoned in completely to observing him. His silky blouse was not the smartest idea for a night out dancing, but with as cold-natured as he was it probably worked. Dark jeans clung deliciously to his thighs and I could imagine how they looked on his ass. _Perfect_. Those thick manicured eyebrows were pinched together with a worried look and his lips were parted in a look that was something more akin to my usual mouth-breathing. He was speechless and looked completely out of his element even if he did look fucking graceful as always. 

I couldn't help myself, not after torturing myself with him for years. 

My hands grabbed at his hips and pulled up flush against my body. He didn't resist, just sighed with a shudder and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I could tell that he gelled his hair back, but clubbing had done a good job of mussing it and leaving it framing his face loosely (just the way I liked it) and the smell of his cologne went straight to my core. I could have sobbed from the overwhelming emotions, but I just focused on the feel of those hips and his body against mine. It was quickly obvious that he was pretty smashed, his movements sluggish and not up to his usual standards of perfection. Was that why he tripped into me? I nosed along his sharp jawline and breathed in that citrusy bergamot hungrily. 

Lights were flashing all around us. 

The thumping music vibrating through my body ceased and it took me a moment to realize that the crowd was counting down. Cheers screamed all around us and I caught the eye of the girl I had been dancing with most of the night. She offered a friendly smile which I returned before turning back to Baz. He was still staring down at me as if he wasn't sure if I was real or not. I squeezed one arm around his waist and placed the other hand to the back of his head before pulling him down for a kiss.

For all I knew he already had another boyfriend. In fact, after two years apart it was probably a given, but I didn't give a fuck. Our lips mashed a bit awkwardly at first, but it was unreal at how quickly we adjusted and melted into each other again. It felt like everything good that had ever been in my life, familiar and warm. 

Too soon he pulled away and I let him go. His arms slid off of my shoulders and he stumbled back looking a bit shell-shocked. One of his shaking hands reached out towards my throbbing jaw, but he paused and dropped his hand again. My feet shuffled a little as the embarrassment began settling into my body. I had no right to touch him or think about him this way anymore. And he was drunk, so this was pretty close to taking advantage of him. Before I got a chance to ask if he needed me to call an Uber for him, a familiar voice rang out.

"There you are, Baz! What're you-" Dev froze as he saw me and then scowled with as much heat as he could. "What the fuck are you doing here, Snow? Piss off."

"Happy New Year's, Dev," I forced out, not really looking to get into a fight tonight. They didn't look like they'd been keeping up with sparring and I've been practicing daily. "And...happy New Year's, Baz. It was...I-I'm glad to see you."

Baz didn't say anything, just looked down at my feet. Dev took him by the elbow and glared at me without bothering to say anything else. It hurt, but I didn't expect anything different. No one owed me anything but a solid kick to the nuts. With the last bit of nerve I had I offered the cousins a half smile before turning on my heel and rushing off. I didn't even bother looking for Nico before rushing out into the cold air and ignoring the wet coldness of snow fluttering down.

*****

I didn't know why Baz was in the same town as I was again, but it was enough for me to insist that we up and move as soon as possible. Nico was surprised but as per his usual ways he didn't question me. Our apartment was cleared out within a day and we moved into a hotel while we waited on his contacts in the next city to get sorted. I was able to video chat with Penny while we were there and while her eyes had widened at the sight of my bruised and still puffy face, she tactfully didn't say anything. 

The night before we were to head out, Nico stated that he was going to go out for drinks with an ex-girlfriend and offered to order in some dinner so when there was a knock on my door I didn't think anything of it. Having not slept well since my run in with Baz, I stumbled tiredly to the door and jerked it open with a yawn. A yawn that promptly turned into a choked gasp as I saw the familiar figure of my ex-boyfriend. 

He was looking distinctly uncomfortable, but having never been one to back down from a challenge Baz turned those intense eyes in my direction. 

"Hello, Simon."

"Uh, hiya."

We stared at each other for a few seconds before he cleared his throat and spoke up again.

"May I...come in?"

"Oh fuck, uh, yeah, c-come in."

I stepped to the side and watched as he strode into the room with all the pompous energy of entitlement that must come from being born into such rich families while I just nervously shuffled by the door before finally deciding that it was probably okay to close it. It's not like we needed fucking chaperones or anything to be in the same hotel room together. He wrinkled his nose at the thinning carpet and less than pristine conditions of the room but I couldn't be bothered to be offended. It was too surreal to have him actually standing here. 

"Please forgive my intrusion," he muttered stiffly and I nervously tugged at the frayed edge of my shirt.

"Sorry for the other night," I blurted out. "I mean, you were drunk and I d-didn't ask or anything, and I don't know if you've got another guy or something, and-"

His raised had brought my ramble to an abrupt halt. 

"Simon." While the word was spoken firmly, it seemed to calm my nerves a bit. "I came here because...well, because I need some closure. And an apology."

"I wrote you a letter," I mumbled while turning my focus back to the edge of my shirt.

"You don't get to cop out of a relationship like that, Simon," he responded heatedly, the hurt clear. "You don't get to say those things to my face and then fucking disappear with nothing more than half a page of barely legible writing." Baz's breath was shaky as he drew it in and I could see him bracing himself.

He was absolutely right, but that didn't mean it would be easy to say the things that he deserved. 

"It...it wasn't right. For me to say those things."

His cool glance was betrayed by the rapid pulse I could see throbbing at his throat. 

"If it was the truth..." He gulped before pressing on. "If what you said was true then you had every right to say those things to me."

These years apart had made the panic less sharp but it was still there. I didn't want to have this conversation or think about those things and in my fight or flight world words like these weren't necessary. But this was another chance to clear things between us. There was no end-game for this discussion but to maybe have him hate me less. 

"I stopped seeing the therapist," I started with, rubbing at my eyes before going back to tugging on my shirt. "Back when I was still living with you. She kept...she wanted me to talk about things, Baz, things that I couldn't handle. She kept... _pushing_ , and I just stopped making appointments."

Baz swallowed thickly and slowly made to sit at the end of the bed. He watched for me to say anything, but I just nodded. 

"When did you stop seeing her?" he asked softly. "And why didn't you tell me?"

"About...a month and a half before...I left. The fight. And, um, well...it just didn't..." I sighed in frustration at my words not coming out like I wanted them to. Talking was normally hard, and talking about one of the most traumatizing nights of my life was excruciating. "I didn't want to keep bothering you, Baz."

The stricken look on his face was achingly familiar and I hated it. I hated that I was the one that put that there.

"Simon, you were never a _bother_ to me! Why can't you seem to understand that?!"

I shrugged, not ready to address that yet. 

"Well, anyway. Um, I quit seeing her and just kept bottling things up. I...In hindsight I shouldn't have done that, but it seemed like the right thing to do."

"What about what you said." The words were dragging past his teeth and I knew that he was trying to do his best to talk around my accusations before he finally shook his head and went with the more direct approach. "Simon, you accused me of raping you for months. And for treating you like a prostitute."

"Baz, look, it wasn't...it was..." Fuck, how was I going to properly even explain this? "Look, I consented and I meant it and I consented a lot but I hated almost all of it. I think...rape isn't the right word for it, Baz. I know...you wouldn't have done it if...if you knew that...well, I hated it."

He slumped forward and I could see his eyes welling with tears.

"Shit, Simon. Why? Why didn't you fucking tell me?" 

I wanted to regret saying anything at all because the look on his face was so painful. Why hadn't I said anything the first time? Told him that I wasn't comfortable? He would have stopped and we could have talked about it. 

"We were going to break up...I mean, it was just so fucking confusing, and then...the Major...and well, I just couldn't...I didn't want you to hate me." I took a deep breath and continued to force the words out. "It was all muddled in my head. I was, and still am, such a fucking mess Baz. I mean, what kind of guy doesn't like sex? Especially from his hot as fuck boyfriend?"

"Maybe you're just ace?" Baz muttered tiredly.

My head tilted as I stared at him in confusion.

"Ace? What's that?"

Silver eyes glanced up and those dark eyebrows furrowed. "Ace, as in asexual? People who don't experience sexual attraction. Some are even sex-repulsed which means that they aren't just indifferent but have adverse reactions to the ideas or acts of sex."

It felt like the ground had just dropped out from under me. 

"What?" I whispered in shock. "There's...there are people who don't like sex? Like, not crazy people?"

'There are a lot of people that don't like or want sex, Simon," he responded softly. "That's not...you're not crazy if that's how you feel."

Feeling like a switch flipped inside of me, I started sobbing hysterically. Relief washed through my body so forcefully that it sent tingles under my skin and I was trembling. I wasn't crazy. Not in this at least. 

Firm arms wrapped around me and held me together as I continued to sob and let it all out. I hadn't cried this hard since our big fight and the week of silence that followed and it completely wiped me out. I cried and cried while he rocked me and ran his fingers through my unkempt hair. By the time there weren't anymore tears, there was no more energy in my body. I just leaned heavily against Baz and sniffled, feeling stupid for soaking his probably expensive shirt with my tears and snot.

"Can you stay?" I mutter selfishly.

"Of course."

He dragged me up towards the head of the bed and after fighting with the sheets and pillows a bit we were both curled up in the bed with him spooning behind me. When we dated I was usually the big spoon, but tonight it definitely felt better to have him wrapped all around me. I could imagine the cringy look on his face as he rested his head on the stiff hotel pillow, but he didn't say anything. His warm breath puffed against the back of my neck and even as exhausted as I was I knew that the conversation Baz came here for hadn't been completed. I still needed to properly apologize for what I did to him. 

"I'll...we can talk more in the morning. I know that I need to."

"It's okay, Simon," he murmured in my ear. "It's okay."

But I knew that it wasn't. It wasn't okay between us, and it wasn't fair to leave things like this and pretend that they were. I couldn't do this to him for a third time.

"We need to talk," I whispered back before closing my eyes and allowing myself to sink into the heat and comfort. "Don't leave me."

*****

Fingers trailed down my spine, dancing gently before lifting up and making their descent once more from my neck to my tailbone. It was a comfort to have my face buried against the familiar collarbone and I didn't want to move or get up. 

"I'm not leaving just yet," I heard Baz rumble. 

"That's fine, boyo," came a voice from somewhere behind me. "Check out is in a couple of hours. Nico and I are going to be hanging out in the lobby till you two are finished."

"That's fine."

"And Baz, try not to give in to temptation and have a pity fuck," the woman's voice teased.

I could feel his body go taut beside me.

"Fiona, I appreciate your help, but kindly fuck off and keep your opinions to yourself."

She laughed loudly and obnoxiously and I could feel the tension in his body grow tighter. But before I could make a move to get up and give her a piece of my mind I could hear that she was moving away and the door snapped shut behind her. 

"Are you okay?" I mumbled against his skin. 

"I'm sorry," he muttered back tiredly. "Please know that I wouldn't do that to you."

"I know, Baz. I always knew that you would stop. If I asked."

His hands continued stroking my back.

"If you knew...Simon, why didn't you _ask_?"

The warmth surrounding me was so comfortable and it was tempting to just ignore the question and allow myself to fall back asleep but I didn't. 

"Baz. This...this isn't easy. It wasn't then and it's not now. I just didn't...want to hurt you." It sounded silly, especially considering how everything played out. In not wanting to hurt Baz I managed to hurt him and myself far worse. "You and Penny were all I had, and you were the only home I had. But...home...is complicated."

It had been much easier to talk to him while I was staring at his collarbones, but now it felt like I had to look up into his eyes. I was still so tired and my head ached from all the crying and stress, but I looked up and saw the sad expression on his face. 

"Was there anything I could have done, Simon? For you to have trusted me?"

There was so much that I hadn't figured out and I was scared that I still wasn't much better off than I was back then. 

"I don't know, Baz. I never thought you weren't understanding. It was more..." The words stuck in my throat again and the pain was so sharp that I didn't think I could ever get them out. His hands paused at my lower back and I reminded myself that he deserved this. "Look, you were doing so well, Baz. And then, you were always so sad around me and worried. I didn't want to lose you but I didn't want to keep holding you back. It...really wasn't you at all. I'm sorry, I just wish that I was different but I'm not. I have problems, Baz. I hate them, but it's all I got."

"You have and are more than problems, Simon," he whispered against my cheek as he leaned forward. "You gave me love."

Our lips met again for a languid kiss.

"It's still the same," I whispered against him. "I'm not okay. And I'm sure that you're just fine. You're doing well at school and working and making friends and...probably dating your boss."

His eyes widened in surprise. "What?"

The jealousy welled in my stomach again. 

"I saw you with him, Baz," I whispered heatedly. "I saw how happy you were with him, and how not happy you were with me. I didn't want you to be my caretaker or to only be with me out of pity."

Baz shook his head incredulously.

"I don't know what you saw, Simon, but I've never been with Mr. Lamb that way. It's not like that with us. Never has been."

"He made you laugh," I accused, feeling stupid even as I did it.

"He did and still does." Baz took a deep breath. "Simon, we're friends. In fact, he's like a mentor to me. He's the first gay man I ever really knew, like in person! And he's way too old for me anyway. Why would you think that just because he made me laugh?"

"Because you never just laugh, Baz," I admitted softly. "At school you were always such a hardass and then it was just me that you opened up to. At least that's how it felt, even with your friends. You never had me hang out with them, and then after the whole breakup and the _other_ thing it only got worse."

Baz blushed a little. "Simon...I was an asshole at school. But part of that was my way of keeping everyone away. And hiding my ridiculous crush on you. I didn't want people to know that I was gay, but after we got together I didn't care as much. I wanted you to come hang out with Dev and Niall and go out on dates with me, but you broke up with me. And then... _that_ thing happened and it never really felt like a good time. To hang out with my friends, I mean."

"It's okay to say that you were embarrassed of me," I bit out, feeling a familiar darkness sinking its claws into me. "All I did was take your money and eat myself stupid while laying on the couch."

I was already pushing away from him on the bed and sitting up on the edge of the mattress. It was starting to feel too hot in the room even though I knew the heater was barely going. 

"Simon, don't do this," Baz hissed angrily. 

He made a choked off sound of frustration and I took a few deep breaths before looking over my shoulder. 

"It's the truth."

"It's not!" Baz shouted, his eyes flashing dangerously. He was seated on the mattress too, expensive shirt wrinkled badly and his hair a bit frizzy on the side he had laid on. "You were just hurting and needed some fucking time to heal! Why is it so bad that I tried to give you that time?!"

I waved my hands around in frustration, trying to grasp the words out of their jumble in the air so that I could make sense of the pain I was feeling. 

"I wasn't doing anything to earn that stuff, Baz! I was being a bad boy and I deserved to by punished, not fucking catered to! I kept trying to pay you back with the sex, but it didn't count because I couldn't even do that right! All I do is fuck up, okay?! You can't keep rewarding me for being bad!"

Baz was looking at me like I was crazy and I felt the pain flaring up white hot. I was crazy. And stupid. And useless. 

"That's just your fucking dad talking," Baz stated calmly, although his words were wavering a bit. "It's not a _reward_ to be treated like a human being."

Things were jumbling up more in my head again and I could feel the panic. I hated it, because we needed to talk. We needed to get through this, but even now I was still screwing everything up. Why was all of this so hard? I loved Baz. Still did, absolutely and irrevocably. Why didn't things just magically work out like they did in the movies?

"You're not getting it, Baz," I pressed, absentmindedly digging my nails into the opposite wrist and leaving angry red streaks. "I'm not good enough for you. And I don't want you to keep being nice to me."

"What do you want from me, Simon?" He was looking more frazzled and I wondered at this situation. Arguing before we even got out of the bed, it was bad manners. "Please, for fuck's sake, what do you want from me? Do you want me to _beat_ you? To insult you and degrade you? And for what purpose? Would that make you feel any fucking better?!"

I hunched my shoulders a bit and dug more deeply against the thin skin of my wrist. It wasn't hard for my brain to conjure an image of Baz hurting me. We'd gotten into fist fights and scuffles plenty, but this was the beatings that I would take from the Major. These were the things that were meant to make me better, make me into someone worthy of still being here. I could feel him shouting down those words to me, telling me that I had to get up and start acting like a proper young man. That he couldn't be bothered with me if I wouldn't be bothered about myself. I could always get up after the Major treated me that way, but I couldn't get up from this mental image. It didn't feel cathartic, it didn't feel good. 

"Look, i-it doesn't even matter," I breathed out anxiously. "We're not trying to get back together or anything. This is a bad idea. I just...I'm sorry Baz."

The now familiar look of hurt crossed over Baz's face before he pulled up his impassive expression. A mirthless laugh bubbled up.

"Of course, Simon." He looked away from me and towards the small television. "I suppose there's really nothing else to discuss. Apology accepted and I apologize for my part in pushing you past your comfort and for hurting you. I never intended to, but, well...it doesn't even matter."

We sat quietly and I felt the familiar burn in my eyes. I've dreamed about him for years. I've yearned for him, desired him, and wished for things to have been different between us. Here he was, and all I could do was hurt him even more and push him further away.

"There's no need to apologize to me," I sighed and rubbed at my eyes. 

Another minute of silence.

"I guess that I should go," he finally sighed heavily. I couldn't even look up at him.

"Okay."

He waited for another minute while I stared at the blood welling up in stripes of abused skin. 

And then he was standing up and straightening himself up.

"You should look into asexuality and maybe even aromanticism. An LGBTQ+ community center will probably be able to direct you to some resources if you can't find anything good online." He was standing in front of the mirror over the sink that was in the room, separate from the toilet and bath. 

"Okay."

Having sorted his hair into some kind of order, Baz stepped back and looked over at me. I was finally glancing up at him through my fringe of curls. 

"Simon, I...I love you. And I suppose that I always will." The blankness of his face was disorienting with the words that he was saying. "I hope that you find what you're looking for and that maybe you'll find someone who will be able to give you everything that you need."

"Okay," I whispered.

"I really do wish the best for you," he pressed and I could see that he was blinking back tears. "I'm sorry that I couldn't be that person for you. But I'll only wish for the best for you. Please know that."

I could still feel the tender pressure of his hand on my cheek and his thumb brushing along my lower lip hours after he walked out of the door. Nico wisely said nothing of the encounter and we drove off as planned.

*****

Penny's voice was so comforting as she read out loud and I allowed a small smile on my face. It was not a book that usually interested her (Simon, damsels in distress is such an overused trope) but she had managed to find a story with a non-binary main character and their love interest was a half-dragon mess. It was entertaining and hearing her attempt different voices warmed my heart. 

"Do you need to take a break?" I asked softly, looking off to the side to see her. 

She paused and pressed her glasses back up her nose. 

"I can keep reading."

"Your voice is getting croaky."

"Well, excuse me," she huffed with an upturned nose, "I'm not exactly a professional voice actor or anything."

A nurse walked in and interrupted my snarky response. She checked the machines and messed with some stuff that could have been more liquids or medicine. After a few smiles and words she was gone again. 

"Just a few more days and I'll be able to go home," I sighed happily. 

Although my crappy apartment wasn't much, there was still something to be said for having my own space and not having strangers inspecting my piss and other bodily fluids.

"How long do you still need to be careful after getting out of here?"

I shrugged. I suppose that nearly rupturing my kidney was a big deal, but I wasn't going to worry about that too much. I needed to get back to work as soon as I could if I didn't want to starve. And paying off the bill for this hospital stay was going to take _years._

"How is your paper coming along?" I diverted the conversation. 

Penny rose an eyebrow at me but once more indulged my change in topic. 

She began talking about her current school paper of doom and why her siblings were driving her crazy and keeping her from getting as much work done as she would like. She kept talking until I started dozing off and I enjoyed the feeling of her fingers toying with the curls on the top of my head. Her fingers kept getting caught in the snarls until she finally gave up and a smile curled on my lips. 

"Simon? Would you consider moving back into town with me?" Her question was quiet but clear. "I've been saving up for a place of my own, but it'd be easier if I had someone else to pay the rent with."

I rolled the thought around in my head for a bit. It would definitely be nice to be able to talk to her in person all the time, being able to lazily watch movies or joke over a meal again. This hospital visit was the first time we'd seen each other in person since I ran away from everyone years ago. Penny had been too stubborn to let me cut contact with her and I found it endearing that she never gave up trying to get me back close to her. 

"Maybe," I finally muttered. 

"That would be so nice," she sighed, resting her head against the pillow with mine.

Blinking sleepily as I stared at the large gemstone on the heirloom ring settled on her finger, I reached out and stroked the faceted crystal.

"Pen?"

"Hmm?"

"What did you think about me and Baz?"

I could feel her shift a bit on the pillow.

"I...well, I think that you guys cared about each other. A lot."

"We were never going to stay together, though, right?"

Her fingers went back to playing with my curls.

"That's not for me to say, Simon."

"But I want to know your opinion."

She huffed.

"You never wanted my opinion on your dating life. Agatha or Baz."

"Well, I'm asking now."

This time she got up and moved her chair so that she was sitting in front of me.

"Simon, I was not a fan of you dating the asshole who bullied you throughout school. I didn't like how dependent you were on him. It wasn't healthy." I nodded, feeling hurt but at the same time validated. We were never meant to work out. "But that's not the Baz that came to the hospital after _The Incident_. That's not the Baz that fought with me tooth and nail for what he thought was best for you. That's not the Baz that sent me texts all day about you and asking about you when I was visiting. Did I think that your relationship was ever really healthy? No. But did he care about you and try his damnest to make it work? Absolutely."

My stomach clenched and I curled in on myself a bit. 

"Penny, do you think that I'll ever be able to make a relationship work?"

"We've worked hard on ours," she replied softly. "And I think that you can make a romantic one work too. You just...I think you're just going to need to accept some help. Professional help."

"I don't want to talk about things," I muttered. "It only hurts more."

Her hand moved from my hair down to my hand and she intertwined our fingers. 

"Maybe we just need to find a different therapist for you. There are different kinds. Not all make you just talk about stuff."

I swallowed thickly and squeezed her hands. 

"You think...that I can get better?"

"Of course, Simon." She smiled softly and I was oddly reminded of her mother. Not that her mother ever really smiled at me, but there was just something so maternal in her face at the moment.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Maybe it was time to stop running away. Time to try again. 

"Um, okay."

"Yeah?"

I nodded and opened my eyes to look up at her. 

"Let's try again."

*****

The sky was clear and a nice breeze was blowing through the sea of people, easing my social anxiety a bit. My eyes finally caught sight of a familiar head of hair and I quickly made my way past families hugging and graduates crying until I was standing beside Penelope. She was grinning so widely that I knew her cheeks would be hurting soon and I pressed kisses to both cheeks.

"You did it!" I congratulated before pulling her into a hug. 

"Thank you, Simon!" she replied, squeezing me back tightly. "I can't believe it!"

"You expected otherwise?" Mrs. Bunce asked incredulously and the whole family laughed.

"We're so proud of you, darling," Mr. Bunce added before giving her another hug. He was a hugging type of guy and always gave her lots of them. 

I handed her the small bouquet that I had purchased this morning and she smiled even more widely. Everyone was chatting around us and I found my eyes wandering over the crowds again looking for a familiar face. The Bunce family was discussing places to eat in order to celebrate and I nodded along before finally catching sight of the person I was looking for.

"Hey, I'll be right back," I murmured against her ear. 

Penny looked at the other bouquet in my hand and nodded before giving me a double thumbs up. 

"Go get him, tiger."

Grinning, I took a deep breath and turned on my heel before slipping through the crowd to get to him before he disappeared. There were just so many people and the heightened emotions all around really messed with me, but I settled back into the practice that I've been doing with my therapist. Deep breaths, keeping a hand over my heart and focusing on the steady beats. Even with as nervous as I was feeling, my heart was thumping at regular intervals. 

Baz Pitch was easily the most handsome being in this sea of people, and his beauty was radiating. He was several inches taller than anyone else in his family, and I could see his stern looking father messing with Baz's robes as if anything could make that damned thing look any better (nothing could). His step-mom was carrying a baby in one of those funny wrap things and there were four other children looking eager to rush off and cause trouble. I recognized Mordelia the quickest because of all the times she would video chat him while we were together, but my attention didn't linger too long on anyone other than Baz.

It was nice to see that he was surrounded only by family and friends. I had to remind myself that even if no boyfriend was in sight it didn't mean that he was single or even interested in getting in a relationship at the moment. Especially a relationship with a basket case like me. I stayed back in the crowd for another minute to gather my courage and then I took a final deep breath before moving forward. 

"Hey, Baz," I greeted in what I hoped was a calm and friendly voice. 

With all the poise of the ruler of the universe, Baz turns to face me without so much as hitch.

"Hello, Simon," he responded stiffly.

Sweat was pouring down my back already, and I hoped that my suit was hiding that. I didn't want to embarrass myself in front of his parents and siblings. Dev and Niall were glaring at me as per the usual order of things, but I just tried to focus on the bouquet and what I came here for.

"C-congratulations," I forced out with a shaky smile. "On graduating. Because you did. Graduate, that is."

He rose an eyebrow at me, but thankfully didn't send me any scathing remarks. I wasn't sure if I could handle that right now.

"It's good to see you, Simon," Mrs. Grimm stated kindly. She'd always been sweet from what I could remember and I was thankful that she wasn't being as cold to me as Mr. Grimm was. He obviously remembered me and the trouble I got into school with his son.

"Well, I, uh...uh, I didn't want to interrupt, but I just...wanted to say congratulations." I pushed out the bouquet with more force than was necessary and nearly punched Baz in the face with the flowers. I winced and adjusted so that they where in the vicinity of his hands rather than his face. "These are for you. If you want them."

Those slender fingers barely brushed my fingers as he accepted the flowers, but his body language and expression remained cool.

"Thank you, Simon," he replied just as stiffly as his initial greeting. 

Swallowing thickly, I pressed on. "I, uh, wanted to let you know that I'm back in town. Have been, but didn't reach out sooner because I was...was focusing on going to therapy."

"That's nice," he snapped, upper lip trying to not curl into a sneer. 

The fight or flight response flashed along my nerves, making me want to smash his face in or run away and hide out in my apartment for the rest of my life. This was really hard for me and he wasn't cutting me any slack. 

"Look, I won't be in your hair much longer. I just wanted to let you know that I was in town and that I think that it's my turn. To pursue you." Mrs. Grimm blushed and smothered a giggle behind her hand while Baz was looking a bit incredulous. "I'll back off if you want me to. But if you don't then I'm not planning to give up."

I could see Niall take a wary step back and his eyes widened and I figured that Penny had come over to make sure that everything was okay.

"Simon, we're getting ready to head out," Penny informed me before glaring at the Baz Brigade.

"Okay." Turning towards my ex-boyfriend one last time I nodded. "Congrats again, Baz. I hope that you have a good time celebrating. And you too, Dev and Niall."

They didn't look too impressed with my barely there congratulations but I had already used up all of my confidence so I turned on my heel and followed Penny towards her family. She took my shaking hand in hers and gave it an encouraging squeeze.

"He didn't punch you in the face," she commented with a quiet giggle.

"Yeah," I breathed out heavily. "Whoo, that went better than it could have."

A small grin curled in my lips and I hoped that he would allow me this one last chance.

*****

"Penny!!!" I yelled as I fought with the lock to our apartment. It was always sticking and always at the worst possible time.

I could have cried when I heard the jiggling of the locks and Penny yanked the door open.

"Fuck, Simon! What's going on?"

"I'm going to be late!" I cried as I rushed past her and dumped my gym bag by the doorway to my bedroom. "Shit! Grab some clothes for me, please?"

Jumping into the shower, I didn't even flinch as the stream of frigid water poured over my head. I just scrubbed the sweat off and began lathering my hair as I tried to do my breathing exercises. 

_I'm always a fuckup._

_-That's not the truth speaking._

_I can't stand for anything good to happen, so I need to screw it all up._

_-But I can choose to accept the good._

_I don't deserve this._

_-I deserve happiness._

My brain volleyed thoughts back and forth over the net of emotions and I continued the deep breaths to keep the panic from overwhelming everything and after a few minutes everything seemed to settle down enough that I didn't feel like I was going to explode. I finished my rinse and was grateful that Penny had dropped off a pile of my clothes on the toilet lid for me to get dressed into. The shirt clung a little more tightly to me than was comfortable as it stuck to the water I didn't bother drying off in my rush, but I just grimaced and finished getting dressed. 

Pausing for a second in contemplation, I decided to go ahead and apply a little of that stay-in conditioner I splurged on into my hair in hopes that it wouldn't be too much of an unruly mess. With that creamy concoction properly distributed in my hair, I washed my hands and rushed out to grab my wallet and keys. Penny said something vaguely encouraging but I couldn't focus on the words so I just offered a shaky grin before rushing out of the apartment and racing out to catch my Uber.

I was glad for some more time to center myself and went over everything that my therapist and I had been talking about for the past week. Ms. Juniper was pretty cool and had been more than happy to go at my pace. When I couldn't talk about things we worked on different coping skills as well as different techniques for working around my neurodivergent processes. It had been shocking to learn just how many basic emotional management skills I lacked due to my strict upbringing and it made a lot more sense why things had gone to hell with Baz. 

But tonight was another chance. Tonight was me showing him that I was putting in the work to be with him, to show him that he meant everything to me and I wanted to be the best version of myself not only for myself but for him too. 

Baz loved me when I was unlovable. After the Major's death he had put in 100% of the work into our relationship and even after we broke up he had been the one to find me and try to contact me. Penny had eventually told me of all the times he had begged her for my number or for any hint as to where I had gone. All the times he cried in front of her over me. He threw his pride aside for me, threw opportunities all aside and I had done nothing but hurt him in return.

This was where I took a different path.

Where I could choose to walk a path with him. 

If things didn't work out this time, it wasn't going to be because I wasn't giving it my all. He was too important to me not to try.

As I walked up to the hole-in-the-wall restaurant, I drew to a stop as I saw a familiar figure pacing in front of the place. Elegant as always, but with a hand nervously running through his hair, I felt my heart settle into a warm thrum. Snug trousers clung to his legs and a white button-up was decorated with maroon flowers and black foliage. He tugged a little at the crisp collar and I smiled widely. 

It felt like we would be okay.

"Hey, Baz," I greeted softly.

Grey eyes glanced up nervously and his soft lips pursed for a moment before he responded.

"Hello, Simon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and the next chapter is from Baz's POV.


	4. Part 4, Baz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've now moved into Baz's POV. You can expect a lot of time jumps in this chapter as it ties in a lot of events, but I believe that I've written it clearly enough that you shouldn't get lost. If you have any questions, feel free to ask it in the comments and I'll do my best to answer.

"Hey, are you related to Osama Bin Laden?"

I looked up in shock to see the new boy at school staring down at me. He would probably be shorter than me if we were standing, but I was busy on the floor of the classroom trying to get my connecting blocks to make a higher tower than I had managed yesterday. I couldn't remember his name, and I assumed that he didn't remember mine if he was asking me something so stupid. Grimm-Pitch didn't sound remotely like Bin Laden. 

"No," I responded with a bit of heat. I wasn't really in the mood to deal with any teasing and wanted to ignore the dummy.

"But your skin is so dark."

I was growling now as I looked up at him again. Wide blue eyes look at me in an almost concerned manner and it made me furious. Why was he calling me a terrorist? Because that's what it was. He was a white boy who saw a dark-skinned boy and his first stupid thought was that I was a terrorist. I was only 11 years old for crying out loud!

Now, I knew that my parents were not a fan of violence in regards to overcoming differences or misunderstandings but something about those stupid wide eyes and that hanging open mouth as he breathed infuriated me beyond rational thought. In a flash I was on my feet and my fist was colliding into his stupid soft face. The boy fell back in shock with a squeal but my victory was short-lived as he immediately kicked me in the knee and then was rolling on the ground with me in the most awful scuffle of my life. In less than a minute he was biting me... _biting_ me!

The teacher was on top of the two of use quickly (not quickly enough) and for the first time in my academic career I was being sent to the principal's office. The two of us were sniffling and I was desperately trying to hide my tears from the boy because I didn't want him to make fun of me, but the bite really hurt and I was sure that I would need some ice for my knee.

A soft little hand suddenly touched my thigh, and I looked up in shock to see the boy biting his swollen lower lip and staring at me with watery eyes. 

"I'm sorry," he sniffled. "Are you okay?"

My chest tightened and I felt like my mouth had gone dry all of a sudden. Why was looking at him making my body do that? Why did his eyes have to be so wide and stupid? Why did his curly hair have to look so disheveled? My mother would never let me out of the house looking like that.

"No!" I hissed in what I hoped came across as angry instead of the confusion I was really feeling. "You called me a terrorist! I'm not!"

"I'm sorry," he repeated again. Dummy. "I never seen brown skin boys before. And you look like you could be. A terrorist, I mean."

For the second time that day I found my fist winding back and then our bodies rolling on the floor in a fight. This time, though, I had to fight back the desire to smile. 

*****

Father was staring at me in shock and probably some degree of horror. My skin felt too tight and itchy and I could feel the heat burning on my face and down my neck to my chest. Daphne was trying her best to offer a sympathetic look but I couldn't be certain of the meaning behind it.

"Are you sure?" he asked too carefully and I felt myself deflate. 

Tears burned in my eyes but I had too much practice at holding them in. It had been many years since my weepy grieving over the death of my mother and at least a good two years since I last cried in front of anyone else.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"It's probably just a phase," Father pressed again, almost desperately. 

"Malcolm," Daphne tried to interject softly.

"No, no, don't worry Basilton. It's just a phase right now. We can-"

"Malcolm," Daphne cut him off, this time with a lot less softness.

He took a deep breath and I stared at my feet, waiting to know what my sentence would be. My nose was still aching from fucking Simon breaking it.

"How...how do you know, then?" he asked.

I didn't want to look up at him and see that disappointment.

"Father, I've hit puberty. It's fairly easy to tell who I'm attracted to."

Blue eyes, bronze curly hair, and freckled skin.

"And...never a girl?"

My mind flashed to Agatha, the school's sweetheart and I ran through all of our interactions quickly as if I hadn't already done this a million times before coming to my parents. 

"Never."

I suppose that I could be friends with a girl if I could get one to talk to me without swooning (someone like the nightmarish Penelope), but I had never once looked at a girl and felt my heart race the way that it did when a certain menace looked my way.

Father was rubbing at his temples now, no doubt wondering what he had done to deserve this.

"Is this...is this going to be a problem, Basilton? I mean, in the locker rooms and stuff?"

My jaw was clenching tightly and I couldn't help but sit on my hands to keep them from strangling the man. Stupid Simon was ingraining bad habits in me.

"No, Father, I do not intend to assault any of my teammates or classmates, in the locker room or otherwise."

He breathed a sigh of relief and nodded his head in approval. It made me want to vomit.

"Good. Now, you'll keep this quiet, won't you? You're not... _dating_ anyone, are you?"

This time I felt my lower lip wobble and it took all of my considerable self-control not to burst out crying. I thought that maybe being physically beaten would be better than this, maybe even somewhat cathartic. No, I wasn't dating anyone because the boy that starred in my most lurid dreams and haunted my waking hours was an imbecile and hopelessly straight. What a fucking relief for my family.

"There's no one, Father."

"You could get kicked out of the school for that kind of behavior and you don't need that in your records."

What behavior? Homosexuality? Or supposedly being inclined to sexual assault? 

"Honey, we still love you," Daphne added as if that could make up for everything said after my confession. 

"Oh, of course," Father added almost absentmindedly. "Yes, just keep it to yourself, okay?"

This time when I glanced up it looked like I wasn't the only one who had thoughts of strangling Malcolm Grimm. Daphne's lips were in a tight line and I'd never seen such a heated glare from her before. Some of the tension loosened in my chest.

"Yes, Father."

By the time I staggered back to my room I allowed myself the relief of a few shed tears. My father, the only person still alive who had been with me from the moment I was born...this was how he thought of me. A deviant. A pervert. A loose canon that needed to be kept under control. It hurt, and not for the first time I wished that my mother was still earth-side. Daphne loved me, I knew it, but her interactions with my father had always been of the muted and soft variety. She wasn't argumentative and much preferred the ways of a stream - slow and steady but consistent. My mother had been more like an earthquake - strong, bold, and not to be ignored. She loved my father dearly and he was smitten with her but she would have never let him get away with saying such things. She would have stood up for me and argued right there.

I dabbed at my running nose gingerly (fuck Simon) and tried not to get too worked up. I was barely in high school and still had a few years to go before college. And then...maybe I would be allowed to quit hiding myself. Maybe in college when I was free from Simon Fucking Snow I could find a nice boyfriend who would adore me and we could be happy together. No drama, just fun and love and then my father could see that this could be okay.

I could be okay.

But for today, I wasn't okay. And I was weak, so I pulled out my yearbooks from 5th grade on (the only years Simon has been in my life) and I prodded at my bruised heart by hunting all of his pictures down again. 

*****

Crowley, I was so fucking weak.

Simon was grinning against my lips as I whimpered from the pressure of his sinful hips pressing against mine. We'd been a _thing_ (sort of) for a few weeks now and I couldn't stop thinking about him or pressing him up against a wall at any given opportunity. He was addictive, and so much more dangerous now that he was kissing me instead of fighting me. 

Arms that had no right to be so muscular were wrapped around my neck and my stupid needy hands were eagerly gripping the back of his shirt in a desperate attempt to keep my hands from wandering down to his backside. Would he like that? The tongue currently plundering my mouth indicated that he was a fan of our "activities" but that didn't mean he'd like me copping a feel. 

Although surely he could _feel_ how excited I was just from kissing right now. He was still smiling against my lips and I couldn't help but nip at him which elicited a giggle. Oh fuck, I was so far gone on this boy. His hands tangled into my hair and forced my head to tilt into a better position for kissing and I felt my knees go weak. He was going to ruin me and I was more than happy to let him.

Why hadn't we been doing this for years?

By the time we stumbled into our next class stupidly there wasn't much I could focus on but how to get those lips back on mine the quickest. I couldn't even manage to take proper notes during the lecture and when we were called to the principal's office I was still too drunk on happy hormones to process what was going on. Were we going to be congratulated for not getting into a fistfight yet this semester? Did they want to know what our solution for that was?

It wasn't until I saw my furious father and Simon's livid father that my brain began to operate on something other than lust.

*****

I thought that I knew what heartbreak was after years of unrequited suffering, but there was nothing quite like the punch to my gut of waking up alone and realizing that no, my boyfriend wasn't taking care of his business in the bathroom or getting a snack from the kitchen. I wandered around the flat in a stupor, as if maybe he would materialize if I paced enough and explain that no, it was all just a big misunderstanding and he hadn't run away after we had sex for the first time and I confessed my love.

Fuck, I had confessed. 

I thought...I thought that...

My cold hand pressed against my mouth as I shakily leaned against the island counter in the kitchen and felt a sob wrack through my body. He didn't love me. He didn't love me like I loved him. This was just casual. He was just having fun. 

The sobs were ripping through me now and I was finding it hard to take a breath in. Hyperventilating, was the word. Oh fuck, why wasn't he texting me? Why wouldn't he answer me? 

He said that he was _emotional_ and I thought that he meant that he loved me too, that it meant something special to be with me. I had confessed my stupid feelings, how special it had been for me and he ran! Had...had I just been really bad at giving head? I hadn't ever done it before and it's not like I could really practice beforehand. I had done as much research as I could before (I'm such a fucking pervert) trying to find all the ways to make it pleasurable for my partner (Simon, only Simon) and I thought that it had gone well. 

Or maybe he hadn't liked me jerking off afterwards? Was it bad that I ejaculated on his thigh? Did that bother him? I apologized, but maybe that wasn't enough. 

Damn it, we didn't exactly have a ton of time to sort this out before he went to basic training! Why wasn't he answering my texts? How was I supposed to know how to fix this if he didn't answer?!

I sat on the tile floor and hunched over my knees as I continued to gasp and cry. 

I didn't mean to make him run away, to love him too much. After a whole semester of seeing each other secretly against our parents' wishes I thought that it was pretty clear that we were invested in each other. He seemed so happy on the date and he had been so responsive in the shower and on the bed. I was weak and pathetic. And probably terrible at sex. 

Would it be bad of me to watch porn to figure out a better technique? Obviously reading forums and teen articles hadn't helped enough.

Sucking Simon's cock had been the highlight of my entire existence and yet...it obviously hadn't been the same for him. All I could do was pray that he would forgive me for my novice performance and give me another chance. I'd beg if I had to, dignity and self-respect be damned.

I'd cross every line for Simon.

*****

I had been gifted a rather privileged life so far and I suppose that maybe all of that hadn't properly prepared me for the utter devastation and pain I was trying to sort through. 

In a matter of weeks I had eagerly given my virginity to, been run out on by, broken up with, and now was housing the one and only Simon Snow. Emotional whiplash couldn't begin to describe the situation. 

He was sleeping fitfully in the guest bedroom and I was too much of a wreck to try to get any sleep myself. I was terrified that if I didn't check on him every few minutes he would stop breathing or choke on his tongue or something else and he would be forever gone. I'd never forgive myself if that happened. My father had come to try to talk sense into me, as if kicking Simon out and hoping for the best was any kind of option at all. I loved Simon, even now, and would never abandon him. 

Even if he didn't want me.

Stabbing pain throbbed in my gut and I curled up at the foot of the bed, softly resting a hand on his covered feet and wishing that I knew what to do to make things better for him. How long could I do this? How long could I feed him his medicine, tend to his every need, and see him suffer in silence? I wasn't going to school and was barely managing to turn in the assignments on time. My father's words kept ringing in my head, echoing in painful ripples.

_"It'll just end in flames!"_

He didn't see a hope for this. Simon broke up with me and didn't want me. As soon as he was better he'd leave me again and I would be an even bigger emotional wreck. I'd already withdrawn my acceptance to Harvard as a precaution so that Simon could stay with me (I'm so fucking pathetic) as long as he needed to. Even though Mr. Lamb had been kind enough to offer an internship, I knew that I would give that up in a heartbeat if Simon needed me to be here more. 

"I still love you," I whispered into the blankets as I curled up at his feet. Simon was still breathing heavily so I knew he was asleep. "I'd do anything for you, Simon. I'd be anyone you want me to be. I've got money. We can just live on that for the rest of our lives if you want. I'd do it for you."

I've already crossed so many lines, and I knew that I would keep doing it for him. I've begged him and would beg every single day on my knees if it would keep him here, safe from any other hurts. I could never be happy without him, not anymore.

*****

It hadn't been a very good day for Simon and I didn't know what to do.

He was lying on the couch with red-rimmed eyes and fresh angry scrapes along his scalp. I took in the sight of the messy apartment (how did it get so messy when he just stayed on the couch all day?) and decided to spruce things up a bit. Maybe that would help to cheer him up. I carefully chose some jogging shorts that I knew he liked on me and one of my soccer practice t-shirts before getting to work. He didn't say anything to me, but I occasionally caught him watching as I moved through the house. 

Most of the time Simon wouldn't even talk to me these days. I knew that he was seeing a therapist and that she made him talk about a lot of uncomfortable things, so I always tried not to make him talk. He was just tired. Always tired. 

The now familiar pang of uselessness burned in my chest. How long would it take before he got tired of me and left? As much as I wanted to, I never seemed to know the right thing to say to him or the right thing to do to make him smile. I would watch shows with him and not push him to talk, we'd cuddle together at night, and I'd even gotten pretty good at preparing simple yet healthy meals so that he wouldn't have to worry about trying to put meals together. 

After tidying up, I deflated a bit seeing that he wasn't still watching me. Instead, Simon was just staring blankly at a wall. I bit my lip nervously and stared at him. Where had confident Baz gone? He'd been with me for most of my life including all through high school, so where was he hiding now? I was in the best position of my life - on my own, with a beautiful apartment, in a relationship with the man of my dreams, in college, accepted into a prestigious internship, and finally surrounded by intellectual peers. This was the life I'd dreamed of and I was only a few months out of high school.

So why the bloody hell was I so uncertain and full of anxiety?

_Because your fucking boyfriend was nearly murdered by his own father. Because he broke up with you and only got back together after he was rejected from his dream job and nearly killed by his dad who traumatically died in the midst of beating his son. Because the only time he shows any kind of strong emotion is when you two make love. Because he's so fucking miserable and you're afraid that every time you walk out the door will be the last time you see him. Because you're terrified that he's going to run away or kill himself and you won't know how to live with either option._

I was desperate for some kind of interaction with him. Why did he seem to have no problem talking to Penelope or smiling at her? She came over often enough that I pushed down my jealousy and got her a key to the apartment. But it was yet another knife to the heart. I wasn't enough for Simon. Maybe he didn't even want to be with me.

The smile I offered him as I carefully took a seat at his feet was a tired one. I'd been juggling so many balls lately and it was exhausting. The temptation to drop out of college completely and maybe even out of the internship was immense. I could spend all my time with Simon that way and make sure that he wasn't lonely or in need of anything at all. I'd be at his beck and call for the rest of my life if that's what he wanted.

The logical part of my brain feebly tried to protest that these thoughts weren't remotely healthy, but I was an accomplished soccer player and I kicked those thoughts out of my mind with as much force as I could. 

"Simon? Would you like something to eat?" I rested a tentative hand on his thigh as I waited for a response. 

He just shook his head and didn't pay any mind to my hand. 

"Water? Or I could get you juice or something." 

Again, he shook his head. I didn't know what to do and was so desperate for any kind of attention. We'd been up to pretty much every sexual act that I could perform without his full on enthusiastic participation except for one and I swallowed thickly. I had tried everything to get him to quit being so self-conscious during sex but even though he was flushed and full of more life in those precious few minutes than he was the rest of the time, he still somehow felt shy with me. For fuck's sake, I've had my tongue up his arse! If anyone should be feeling self-conscious it should be me! I'm the one doing desperate research on my phone during work hours and practicing my oral technique on fucking _bananas_ just to make sure I was getting enough practice!

Simon Snow, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I have everything to be ashamed of.

_Simon, I love you and I want to say it again. I want to know that you love me too, that you maybe enjoy being with me. I want to feel you shake free from those silly inhibitions and shower me with affectionate words and maybe even caress my body with the passion we once had. I want to feel your lips ravage me completely, to have your fingers take me apart bit by bit until it wouldn't seem so strange to have thoughts of nothing but you. Nothing but the hoarse cries of..._

"Simon?" My throat was dry. "Love?"

His slow and mechanical blinking stuttered and he seemed to shift a bit in awareness.

"Hmm?"

Oh Crowley, a response! I squeezed his thigh carefully in what I hoped was an alluring way. I might cry if he ever touched me that way again. Unbidden, an agonizing memory of him crushing me against the door of the bathroom stall at school slid through my mind. I wanted to feel that close again, to feel wanted!

"W-would you like to, uh, go to the bed?"

Blue eyes glanced towards me and I wished for the thousandth time that I could read his thoughts. The face that I had once sworn I knew better than my own was blank, an expression that even months of living with him couldn't help me decipher. The anxiety was welling up and I felt my heart race and my face flush. 

_I just want to know that you love me too._

"Okay," he replied flatly and with a slow blink. 

I tried not to allow my body language to deflate. Instead, I offered a careful smile and he accepted my offered hand to pull him off the couch. We walked quietly to our bedroom and I immediately moved to the music station where I plugged in my phone and began some soft Celtic music that he seemed to like. 

_Do I even know what he really likes?_

Everything was a guess these days, best guesses. His face remained blank as we stripped and I almost decided to just call it quits and settle for snuggling and a movie, but he stepped forward and took my hand in his. It was nothing at all like the hungry grip we used to have for each other but there was already a blush rising on my cheeks and my breath was coming forth in excited puffs. He tilted up his chin, the most forward thing he had done in a month and I was crashing into him with desperation. We were kissing and pressed against each other and it was heavenly.

He made me say it out loud, tell him how much I wanted it, and when I carefully sunk into the warmth of his body I did cry. I told him in every way I knew how that I loved him, that he meant everything to me, that he was perfect and beautiful and so very wanted.

I tried to be content with the soft grunts and huffs in response I could barely hear over the music.

\-----

"Shit," I grumbled as I tried brushing my bangs out of my face for the hundredth time that day. 

I had thought that maybe a change in hairstyle would be a much needed refresher especially as the length of my hair grew, but the feathering effect the hairstylist swore up and down on was getting pretty annoying as I leaned over my desk and pored over the proposed contracts for the newest plant being built for Mr. Lamb. Simon hadn't even noticed that I had a new hairstyle and I swallowed down the lump at my throat. It's okay, he's just been having a rough week. Even Penelope let me know that he had been withdrawn from her too. 

Glancing up from my desk I could see that everyone was too busy in their own offices and cubicles to mind me so I dared to reach down into my bag and pulled out my favorite hair clips. The pastel plastic frames around the metal snap made me smile softly in memory of Mordelia handing them up to me. 

It had been my birthday, the one after I had been caught with my tongue down Simon's throat and things had been tense in the house. My siblings hadn't really understood what the matter was, but Mordelia had been perceptive enough to realize that it had to do with my being gay. Being the unstoppable and impossible brat that she was, she demanded that Daphne take her to the store so that she could pick out presents for me all by herself. 

The sparkly silver nail polish had long been used up, but these clips were a staple for my daily use and always provided a much needed emotional boost. Mordelia was a beast and terror, but she loved me unconditionally and did her best to show it. After one final glance around, I used them to pin the unruly bangs framing my face and got back to work on the documents.

It couldn't have been more than ten minutes before I heard a knock on my door frame and I looked up in surprise to see Mr. Lamb standing there. I felt the blood drain from my face and panic seize my chest. Could he tell that I was gay from the clips in my hair?! Would he tell my father?! Was he going to boot me out of the internship?!!!

"I'm going to head out for an inspection on the construction of the factory," he stated in his normal confident and velvety voice. His perfectly coiffed blonde hair was shimmering in the energy efficient LED lights. "You can just drop your reports on my desk when you finish. I'll leave the office unlocked for you."

"Y-yes sir," I stammered, praying that maybe he just didn't notice the damn childish pastel clips. 

He nodded and smiled, much like he always did and turned to walk off. I almost breathed a sigh of relief before he paused and looked back over his shoulder at me.

"And I love the hair clips," he added with an uncharacteristic cheeky grin and threw a wink my way before strutting off and leaving me with my mouth hanging open in shock.

\-----

Cold wind was whipping past me as I took deep shuddering breaths and I felt the cold sting of tears on my cheeks. I was humiliated, but the tears wouldn't stop and I leaned heavily with my hands on my knees while sobbing and gasping for breath. Only a warm hand rubbing up and down my back kept me grounded for now. I could be properly mortified later.

"Let it all out," Lamb stated calmly, in direct contrast to the harsh winds blowing past us on the roof of the building. People weren't supposed to be here, but I suppose being the billionaire who owned the building gave you rights to break the rules. 

An inhuman wail forced it's way up from my chest and out my throat and I gave into it and all the pain and uncertainty and hurt. The hand that had been rubbing my back paused and before I knew it I was being crushed against the oddly solid body of my boss. He was several inches shorter than me, but he forced my head down to rest against his shoulder as I continued to cry and babble about all my problems with Simon. I was absolutely ruining his suit jacket, but he didn't seem to care in the slightest bit. Those large hands just continued to hold me and stroke down my back or pat comfortingly against my head. 

I couldn't remember the last time anyone had held me like that, not even my father. 

When I had gone to Father's house and cried on the couch because Simon had broken up with me, he had just stood at the door nervously and shifted his weight back and forth uncertainly. He had eventually decided to go fetch Daphne for help and she had sat next to me and patted my hand softly. Nervously. Even all these years later and she didn't know how much of a mother she was allowed to be with me. My own mother was long dead and gone, her comfort gone with her. 

And now to my utmost horror and embarrassment my middle-aged boss was holding me as if I was a devastated toddler and offering comforting noises and touches. Crowley, I was so fucking desperate for touch! I clung tightly to him, even with my humiliation, and refused to let go of this little moment of reprieve. Who knew when I'd next be allowed human affection or hell, even the opportunity to cry it all out. 

My legs (my whole body, really) were trembling, and I felt Lamb adjust us until we were sitting on the roof. I was seated across his legs, still curled tightly against him and trying to catch my breath and he never wavered. This was wrong, I knew that we could be in terrible trouble for being in a compromising position like this, but I couldn't care enough to move. This was what I had needed for months, _years_ , and I was going to take it. 

"There, there, love. Try to take some deep breaths," he soothed, posh British voice like a balm against my wounded soul.

"S-so sorry," I managed to gasp out.

"No, love, there is no reason to be sorry. Let's just try to get some oxygen in us, okay?"

I nodded tiredly and rested even more of my weight against his shoulder. I hadn't really paid much attention to his build before, but I was impressed with how stocky and solid he was even with such a balanced figure to his height. Simon had gotten a bit on the plump side this summer (I love it) but he seemed so much more fragile than when he had been thinner and more built. Penelope had finally told me more about the abuse Simon's father had put him through, the starvation and binge eating, the beatings, the torturous "practice" that Simon would quietly endure. It infuriated me and made me feel so sick to my stomach. I thought that I had understood him best all through our years in school, but I had known nothing.

All the times that I would wonder why he looked so drawn and thin and then would loudly make fun of his binge eating in the lunch rooms, all the times I would insult his tired and dazed expressions, or relish in the flinches he would make at sudden moves. Even worse, how cruel I was in constantly mocking his poor grades and struggles in studying.

It didn't matter that I didn't know he suffered from dyslexia and probably ADHD - I had been a bully to him out of my own insecurities and need to have his attention on me and I was disgusted with myself. How was I any different than that horrid man that had claim as Simon's biological father? I had hurt Simon shamelessly and repeatedly. Could loving him now ever repay that debt? Could I ever be forgiven? 

Was that why Simon stared so blankly at me these days, with those tired and heavy eyes? Was he seeing his dad in me and wondering if he could ever escape? Crowley, I hadn't so much as raised a hand against him since our first kiss. I really loved him, completely and wholly. There was no desire to hurt him left in me and I wanted to only shower him in love and affection. But did that matter to him? Was that why he still struggled with our intimacy?

"How are you feeling, Basilton?"

I startled a little at the voice, forgetting that I was crushing my boss in a desperate hug and hiccuping softly against his shoulder.

"I'm sorry."

"Tsk, not that again, love."

"Oh, I'm-" I leaned back and stared at him to see his amused eyebrow raised and I couldn't help the broken chuckle that bubbled up. 

"There, that's better," he grinned before pulling out his handkerchief and dabbing at my undoubtedly swollen face. "Always dab and never rub," he muttered absentmindedly.

"Do you cry often?" I asked sarcastically, a poor attempt to belie my shame much like I did through my school years.

"I used to," Lamb responded calmly and my facade dropped immediately. 

I studied him quietly as he continued to dab at my tired and reddened face. His smile was soft and there seemed to be true concern written all over his face. It would have been quite easy for a man in his position (as my boss _and_ bodily under me) to take advantage but his hands made no inappropriate moves and he continued to seem nothing but caring.

"What would you have to cry over?" I asked bluntly before blushing at my rude behavior. Crowley, I was a shame to all of my ancestors and their honorable names.

"I was a young gay man kicked out of his home and living on the streets while I tried to figure out what to do with my life," he replied again with a sincerity that shook me. "I was a gay man in an abusive relationship because I thought that his love was the only love I could ever have. I was a businessman who had been embezzled out of everything by the partners I had trusted so much."

"I-I didn't know," I muttered in embarrassment but he shook his head and seemed to brush it off.

"There are lots of reasons to cry, love. How are you feeling? Better?"

Sniffling, I slowly nodded. "Yes, I...I'm actually feeling a bit better."

"Good." He pinched my cheek ever so softly and offered the handkerchief up for me to blow my nose. We were quiet for a few more minutes before he spoke again. "It sounds like you're going through a lot right now."

"I'm surprised that you could make anything out of that babbling mess," I chuckled before dabbing at my wet eyes again.

"I'll admit that it wasn't easy," he laughed, "but I gave it a shot. Your boyfriend's dad tried to hurt him and died of a...heart attack?"

"He tried to kill him," I corrected softly. "That man was honestly trying to kill his own son."

There was more silence between us, but it didn't feel heavy with discomfort. Only sadness.

"Bloody hell," Lamb whispered. 

"Sometimes I think that therapy isn't helping him," I whispered, half hoping that the wind would whisk the words away before Lamb could hear them. "That maybe it's hurting him and making things worse. No matter how much I love him and try to help he seems to drift further and further away."

"Love, you do know it's not your job to heal him, right?"

The words struck me in the gut and I clenched my eyes from the pain of it.

"I know."

Logically. But I couldn't seem to keep from trying.

"There's nothing you can do to actually heal him. That has to come from him. You can offer help and therapy can offer help, but...well, he's got to accept it. And maybe he's just not ready to accept it."

"I know," I muttered again, wishing that this encounter would magically help me figure everything out between me and Simon. That somehow Simon would get the message that I loved him desperately and that he would want to get better for my sake if nothing else. 

My hands were going numb in the cold, but I just leaned back against his shoulder and allowed myself the intimacy of nuzzling into his neck. I felt safe and warm and protected for the first time in many years.

\-----

I hadn't been this excited in a long while and I couldn't help the stupid grin all over my face. Lamb was looking at me fondly as I continued to chatter about all the different options and potential with the property. 

"Simon could get a dog!" I added, my hands moving around excitedly. 

For the past couple of weeks I had been toying with the idea of looking into buying a bit of property so that Simon and I could have a proper home of our own, somewhere away from the memories of the apartment and high school altogether. It would be a place that we could build new memories and if I could get a place with a yard we could even get a pet which might help him get out of bed and the couch more often. Simon _loved_ dogs and I could just picture his face when I told him that we could start looking for one.

Lamb had plenty of connections throughout the city thanks to his business dealings and since I was his protégé he had been more than willing to introduce me to them and to help me build my own network. One of those contacts had been a lovely real estate agent who had just come across the perfect property. It was close to the downtown area where I worked and had been owned by the same family for almost 100 years, but after the death of the most recent inhabitant the inheritor didn't want to deal with all the renovations and updating that would be necessary to spruce the place up. They actually lived in another city and didn't want to make the move to claim it as a personal home either.

Their asking price was ridiculous, but I was assured that it could be negotiated down to something more reasonable. Even if the price tag was to remain a bit high, the property would be an investment that would only go up in value. 

The house itself was a disaster but that didn't dissuade me at all. Simon and I could work on the design together and make a proper little home of it, something that would fit the both of us and be for the both of us. We could continue living in the apartment while the renovations were being done and could even look into adopting a dog while we waited. I couldn't care less what beast he chose as a companion so long as it made him smile.

Our brisk walk from lunch back to the office was full of my chatter and Lamb's fond comments. He had quickly become a dear friend and mentor, someone who was filling a much needed void in my life. Dev and Niall had been my dearest friends for my whole life, but neither of them had been able to understand what I was going through with Simon. They still couldn't fathom how we had gotten together or why I was so smitten, but they had tried their best to be supportive. Still, it wasn't the same as talking to another gay man and getting his input. Lamb had been involved in lots of different relationships and while he was currently single I still valued all of his advice. 

He was an excellent listener, had a sharp sense of humor, and was ferociously protective over me. It was strange to feel so cared for and as I felt my cup filling with appreciation I found it easier to reach out to Dev and Niall again and even put forth more energy into my studies. Juggling all the balls of my life didn't seem to be such a struggle anymore and I was eager to take on the challenges of each day. 

Trying to support Simon was still a difficult thing, but I felt less hopeless each day. It didn't hurt quite so much when he would shut me out because he wasn't the only person I was allowing to love and care for me. I could keep giving and giving to him for as long as he needed because I was finally allowing myself to receive from others. And one day, I was certain that he would be able to give back to me too. We were going to make things work, and I was certain that getting this house was one step closer to that. 

Finding a great deal of amusement in my love-sick state, Lamb allowed me off work early. He knew that I was excited not only for the house but also because the anniversary of my first kiss with Simon was coming up quickly. I was trying to decide if I should go ahead and buy the property and gift it to him on that day or if I should tell him about it now and buy it together. 

Coming home deep in thought, it took me a moment to realize that Simon wasn't in his usual position on the couch. I could smell that stupid rum he had become fond of drinking, but wasn't going to complain if that meant he had to go out for a walk in the fresh air to get it from wherever he did. Seeing him step in from the hall still dressed in jeans and a t-shirt from his outing made my heart race excitedly and I offered him a tentative smile. 

Was this finally a good day?

I walked up to him and offered a soft kiss to the corner of his lips, giving him the opportunity to pull away if he needed to. My besotted heart nearly burst from my chest as his hands came up to take hold of my hips. Simon's eyes were wide and vulnerable in an expression so different from his usual apathy and it seemed like a miraculous sign that everything _was_ going to be okay. Our mouths slotted together in a messy tangle of tongues and spit and I decided that I was definitely going to tell him about the house today. 

My head was swimming in lust and love as we sunk onto our bed with Simon's naked figure splayed out underneath me. I loved every inch of his beautiful body, one that had helped him survive so much. I peppered kisses along the soft tummy that I loved resting against and down the thick thighs that drove me crazy with lust. Each scar, mole, and freckle received its own kiss and it wasn't long before he was squirming in anticipation. A part of me was rather proud that my skills in bed had been getting better and that I had gotten Simon closer and closer to finally letting loose in the throes of passion. I wanted so badly to hear him moan my name like I worshiped his. 

Those thighs trembled as I teased at the head of his cock with my tongue for a moment before swallowing him down. My eyes fluttered shut in the sheer pleasure of being able to do this with my lover. My own prick was already throbbing and I felt a bubbling elation at the realization that today might be the day I could finally ask Simon for more. I've dreamed of him down on his knees for me, sucking me off with gusto, or even fucking me into the mattress with wild abandon. Having him top me was probably a bit much right now, but maybe I could get my first blow job!

I tried to encourage his sounds of pleasure but pulled back when he resisted. I didn't want to make him feel even more self-conscious and I hoped that my encouragement came across as well as I intended. Once he rode out his climax and rolled over, I took my time and continued my efforts in kissing and loving on every inch of his skin. I loved his plump bum and the dimples right at the junction of his lower back and arse drove me absolutely mad. My aching cock reminded me what I was going to ask. 

"Simon?" I asked softly.

He took a deep breath.

"Mmm, yeah?"

I paused and breathed against his thigh to steel my resolve. Lamb had been adamant that I needed to be honest with Simon and that I shouldn't be scared of asking for things that I like too. That it was important for us to communicate. 

"I'd..." Oh Crowley, it was so hard to ask! "...would you be interested in...going down on me?"

My whole face seemed to burn as I finally forced the words out, but there was a sense of relief that washed through me. Simon was my forever and I wanted us to enjoy our time so I was going to make every effort to improve our communication and better our relationship. I wanted to look back in 50 years at this point in our lives and think fondly of how hard we both worked. 

"What?" he squeaked in surprise. I couldn't blame him since I'd never asked before. He might even think that I wasn't interested with the way I hadn't asked!

"I'd really like it Simon," I tried to explain as I pressed a kiss to his ribs. "I've...never...I mean, no one's..."

Ugh, it was so hard to get past my embarrassment.

"I don't know...how," he whispered nervously and I tried to give him my most encouraging smile. 

"It'll feel just fine. I didn't know how either, but...I mean, you just figure it out." I cringed at my word choice and tried to soothe over it. "I'll love it. I promise."

Elation filled me as he slowly turned around and I pressed a grateful kiss to his lips. His breaths were heavy as he continued to recover from his orgasm and I tried to catch his eyes to make sure that he was okay, but he was already ducking down and I felt my body tremble in anticipation. His calloused hands took hold of my engorged cock for the first time in our relationship and I was already a writhing mess at those tentative strokes. This wasn't a dream! Simon was touching me, he was _touching_ me! 

I wanted there to be no doubt about how much I loved this and I moaned shamelessly. Maybe Simon just needed to see that it was okay to be loud and to appreciate being touched? I wanted to do whatever it would take to encourage him to be more vocal with me. My hands clenched the bed sheets tightly to keep myself from giving into the temptation of pushing him down on my aching cock faster. Surely I looked a total mess with my hair mussed and my eyes glazed over in pleasure and my mouth moaning like I was in some porno.

His mouth was so close and I was ready to sob from the pleasure that was going to be gifted to me. Crowley, I had never loved him so mu-

"STOP!!!!" he screamed in terror before shoving off of me in a panic. 

My internal monologue screeched to a halt and I stared at him in shock and concern. 

"S-simon?"

"Stop pushing me!" he screamed angrily, hands that had been pleasuring me seconds ago now tightly clutching at his hair in distress. "You're always fucking pushing me and I hate it! I hate it!" 

Those blue eyes that I loved so much weren't even looking at me as he screamed the harsh words and my head was spinning. When had I ever pushed him? Was it because I asked for oral? Was asking wrong? I was shaking now and couldn't seem to stop.

"I didn't mean-"

"But you always do! You keep pushing me and I hate it, Baz! I hate being your fucking whore!"

All the blood seemed to drain from my face as his words sunk into my short-circuiting brain. 

"What are you-"

He didn't even allow me to finish a sentence as the vitriol continued to pour from his mouth. 

"I hate it when you touch me but you never stop! You keep pushing me and making me! You know that I can't pay you with anything else and you just fucking use me! Well, I hate it!"

"I don-"

"And that's all you're fucking good at, isn't it?! Using people! Just like your fucking dad and your whole fucking family!" Each word burned like a fiery lash, but he still wasn't finished. "Why don't you just make use of your boss since he's gagging so much for it, huh?! Fuck him for all I care and leave me the hell alone!"

Why was he even bringing Lamb into this? Why was he saying these things? I'd never tried to force him to doing anything! But the accusation stood there between us.

"Simon?" I whispered, not finding enough strength to make my voice any stronger than that. "Do you...do you mean that?"

He was so distraught and I was beginning to think that maybe I had misunderstood everything about our relationship. Oh fuck, what if I really had been pushing him?!

"Yes," he spat angrily.

"You...I've forced you? Every time?" 

I could barely make the words come out of my mouth. 

"Yes!" he replied forcefully and I felt the tears welling up. "And why should that bother you now, Baz?" he continued hatefully. "You've never cared before about pushing me around! That's what you're fucking good at! Well there's plenty of people out there who'd love to fuck you so go bother them instead, okay?! Just leave me the hell alone!"

His words were swirling around in my head and I continued to try to make sense of it. He was saying that I _raped_ him. Raped him! Repeatedly! It couldn't be possible because I loved him and he loved me. He _told_ me that things were fine!

"Simon, you kept telling me that things were fine," I practically begged, trying to see any way that I might be misunderstanding him. "I've never once wanted to hurt you like that, I just wouldn't! Please, why are you saying this? Why are you bringing Lamb into this? Am I not home enough? Am I home too much? I don't understand! I've only ever wanted to be with you-"

"No one could handle your fucking pushing all the time!" he screamed angrily. "Not even your own fucking mother could stand it!"

It felt like the world had come to a sudden halt and I was left stumbling forward and falling on my face. Memories that I had spent so much time burying seemed to explode through my brain, painting my mind with the most horrific fresco imaginable. My body was moving on auto-pilot now, mechanically jerking on clothes and stumbling through the room while he sat silently on the bed with his arms wrapped protectively around himself. He wouldn't even look at me.

"I'm sorry, Simon," I muttered before clearing my throat with a great effort. I stared at the bathroom door because for the first time since meeting him I couldn't stand the thought of looking at Simon. "I'm sorry, Simon, for completely misreading the situation. Regardless of my good intentions, I've hurt you and I shouldn't have. I should have known. I apologize for my abysmal behavior towards you and for violating your boundaries and...and you." My words were clear and sharp, each one shredding my heart as I spoke them aloud.

"Baz..." he tried weakly.

"I'll let you be. And I hope that you'll one day forgive me."

My statement wavered at the end and I just had to get away. I grabbed my wallet and keys and raced out the front door without having a clue as to where I'd go. This had been home, my safe place for as long as I had at even with all the craziness of this past year but now I wasn't sure that I could ever come back to it. I couldn't come back to Simon, not after this. I raced down the stairs of the building, looking wild and with a fiercely aching crotch, but nothing stopped me on the way to my car. The engine roared to life and I ran away from everything as fast as I could.

It was all a lie.


	5. Part 5, Baz

"Baz? Are you in here?"

I didn't even bother to respond as I tipped my head back and gulped down another bottle of wine. It didn't even taste good anymore, not after my three-day bender. Getting slobbering drunk had helped Simon cope through my abuse and rape so why not give it a shot myself? Why not keep drinking my way through the family's vacation collection as I alternated between screaming and crying?

Dev's head poked around the door frame of the kitchen and his face fell when he saw me. "What the hell, man?"

I lifted the bottle in salute. 

"Here's to a f-fucked up life and, and, and a pointless existence," I slurred. "To crushed hearts and acknowledging that I...am indeed...not worth an ounce of love or respect."

He walked towards me cautiously, as if I might throw the bottle at him in drunken fury. It was a distinct possibility.

"Things are never that bad, Baz," he tried softly as he came up beside me and slowly slid down. 

His nose wrinkled and I supposed that I probably smelled awful. There was no one here to clean up after me and tell me that it would be okay, or offer me food and water. I had nothing but these dusty cool bottles and the darkness of the family's vacation house.

"He doesn't love me," I stated with finality. A headache was pounding mercilessly behind my eyes.

A frown tugged at his lips, pale and thin like most in the Grimm family. 

"This is about Simon? C'mon, man, I thought you two already established that you liked each other? Aren't you _fucking_?"

"Ah ah ah, such vulgarity," I giggled before taking another long draw from the bottle. Honestly, I was hoping to get alcohol poisoning soon. "We made love, Dev. At least...I thought we did..." The pain welled up anew and I was laughing with a strange desperate tone. "Crowley, I really thought we were, Dev. I didn't know, I swear it. If I knew, I n-never would have..." I was certain that he was looking at me in concern, but I couldn't bear to see his face right now. "D-dev, he never wanted it," I whispered. "He never wanted any of it."

Memories of all those times we spent in each other's arms, kissing passionately, me eagerly working my mouth over his cock, or those precious few times that we went all the way...all of those memories that had been some of the dearest in my life, they were all tainted and ruined. 

Our first kiss, him lunging towards me and stealing my breath, and the way that I melted in his arms and moaned so desperately for him. I was a slave to Simon Snow, so how could this happen? I had loved him for so many years, _pined_ stupidly for him and...this? This was how it ended? What about me asking him out in my car while the snow drifted around us? The way he grabbed my lapels and pulled me in for a bruising kiss where I tasted his blood for the first time...he hadn't wanted that either? I couldn't understand anything anymore and I was too tired to want to. 

The burning liquid was going down my throat again, me choking on it and forcing it to keep going until Dev wrestled it out of my hands. The wine sloshed all over the two of us as we wrestled for the bottle, but I was too drunk to be much of a competition against my sober cousin. He jerked the bottle away and I started to cry loudly. He wasn't going to let me drink myself to death.

Dev was trying to talk to me, but I couldn't make sense of it anymore than I could make sense of all these memories. Maybe I was insane and completely altering reality so that it suited what I wanted to see? Maybe I had always been the one to pull Simon towards me and forced him? Me, forcing the stubbornest mule in the whole world, forcing him into my wicked desires. I was a fucking monster. 

I had always been one.

This was just my punishment for living while my mother died. I continued sobbing, ignoring Dev as he called in for backup.

*****

_"What do you think, little Puff? Kunafa? Or maybe zalabya?"_

_I stared intently at the glass case holding the treasure hoard of desserts and tried not to drool while I picked out which one I wanted. Mother and I were on our weekly mother-son date and I was pretty excited to be starting off with the sweet treats. Father had never really loved Egyptian sweets as much as Mother and I did, so it had become something even more special that we shared._

_The reflection looking back at me from the pastry case was very similar to my mother and I felt proud of that. My skin wasn't quite as dark as hers and I had my father's ears and hairline, but everything else was my mother's. She was the most beautiful person on this planet and I felt pretty pleased to be carrying her looks. That would mean that I would be the most handsome man in the world, even more handsome than my father._

_She squeezed my hand to remind me that I needed to pick out my dessert and I stuck my tongue out in thought. Picking a dessert was serious business for a five year old. I pointed to the creamy kunafa and then there was a loud explosion and everything went white for a long time. It took me a while to come back to my senses and it was so confusing. Everything looked different and broken, with glass broken everywhere and smoke was choking at my throat and hurting my chest._

_"Mama!" I cried pathetically. My leg hurt so badly and I was afraid that I had an accident because my pants were all wet. They looked dark when I glanced down, but there was blood all around me instead of urine._

_"P-puff," a soft voice wheezed and I looked up to see my mother lying on the floor a ways from me._

_I crawled over the glass to get to her, crying even as she tried to tell me to stay put. There was dirt and blood all over her and she didn't move even as I tried to pull up her arm. The man that had been standing behind the glass was very still and he had a large piece of metal sticking out of his chest._

_"I'm sorry, Mama," I whimpered, still trying to pull her up. Something terrible was burning._

_"I-it's okay, Puff," she wheezed again and there was blood bubbling up between her lips. "It'll...be...okay, Puff..."_

_She was trying to say something else when I saw her body completely relax and her eyelids droop. There were no more words or even breaths coming from her no matter how much I screamed and cried. A shadowy figure in blue and gold grabbed hold of me (_ a police officer, my mind would provide for me years later _), and I was swept away from my mother in a haze of smoke and screams._

*****

"Baz, are you sure about this?"

"Maybe we should wait until you're a little more..."

I was wiping angrily at my eyes while driving the Jaguar, and while I knew that Dev and Niall meant well they just didn't understand. Through Dev's Facebook addiction I found out that Penelope had been out of town vacationing with her family and hadn't heard from Simon all week. She had assumed it was because he and I were being all cozy together, so I asked Dev not to correct her and proceeded to force my emotional self to drive the damn car back to the apartment. 

Simon hadn't been alone for that long since...I'm not sure. Definitely not as long as we had been a _thing_. I never gave him that much breathing room. 

Another sob choked its way up and from the corner of my eyes I could see Niall's hands tightening their grip on his slacks. It was reasonable to fear for your life when you were being driven around in a high speed car by a crazed man crying his broken heart out. But I needed to make sure that Simon was okay. It hadn't taken me long to realize that I had accidentally left my phone there but I had comforted myself by knowing that he still had my credit card so that he could order any food that he wanted and he still had a roof over his head so that he could be safe and okay.

But him not reaching out to Penelope was indicative that things were definitely not okay. 

There was no point in waiting until I was more composed because I was not going to be composed for a long while. How could I be when I was constantly hearing my father's words echoing in the back of my mind: _"This isn't going to be a problem, is it, Baz?"_ I had promised him then that I had no inclinations of assaulting anyone and what had I done only a couple of years later? Assaulted the love of my life. 

I was sick. 

And in love. 

The boys kept a step behind me, but stayed close by. I didn't bother telling them not to come up with me because it would be a waste of breath. This was probably the most they had ever seen me cry (it was the most I had ever cried in my life) and they were not about to let me see the person who was the cause of this on my own. They really should have been there for Simon's protection instead, to keep me from thrusting myself on his person. 

I was going to beg.

For forgiveness? For another chance? For him to love me?

I'd beg for all of it if I had to. 

"Simon?" I croaked as I pushed open the door. He hadn't responded to my knock and I didn't want to spook him. He might be drunk and I wasn't exactly sure what kind of drunk he was since he usually just slept it off. "Simon, I understand if you don't want to see me, but I just needed to check in and see if you were okay."

_"You keep pushing me and I hate it, Baz! I hate being your fucking whore!"_

"I know that you don't like me p-pushing," I choked as I stepped further into the apartment, "and I swear that I'm not _trying_ to, Simon. I just want to know that you're okay."

_"And that's all you're fucking good at, isn't it?! Using people! Just like your fucking dad and your whole fucking family!"_

What did he know of my family outside of the one interaction with my parents in the principal's office? 

"Dev and Niall are here too," I felt the need to add. "So, it's...okay."

_"You've never cared before about pushing me around! That's what you're fucking good at! Well there's plenty of people out there who'd love to fuck you so go bother them instead, okay?! Just leave me the hell alone!"_

I was trying not to give in to the panic now, but it didn't look like anyone was in the apartment. There was no one else I had ever cared more for than Simon and yet all my love and care had turned into this.

"Simon? Please?"

_"No one could handle your fucking pushing all the time!" he screamed angrily. "Not even your own fucking mother could stand it!"_

I stumbled over a misplaced shoe and took in the state of the bedroom. It looked like it hadn't been touched since our argument or break up or whatever the hell that was. Were we ever really even together if Simon was just pandering to my needs in an attempt to secure food and shelter? I hadn't asked for anything when I took him in and I didn't think that I had behaved in such a way that he would get that idea.

_"Not even your own fucking mother could stand it!"_

He didn't know what he was saying. It was simple to think that logically as I walked through the empty apartment once more regardless of the pain continually shredding my heart. Dev and Niall had decided to hover awkwardly by the front door. Did it look like I'd done this before? Walked around in a daze looking for the man that was supposed to be my one and only just to realize that he was gone with no intention of coming back?

If Simon had passed his tests he'd be off at basic training by now. Maybe even off on tour. He would have never written to me or called me or emailed me. I would be months free of him, plenty of time to grieve and move on. I'd have tried to move on because he had made it so clear that he didn't want to be with me. So why did I get back together with him in the first place? Why didn't I grab him by the shoulders as he sat on my lap and asked me to take him back and shake some sense into him? Why didn't I even attempt to say no?

"Because I love you," I whispered over the kitchen island. "Because I want you."

The moment I saw the note, I was certain that my heart had finally stopped beating. 

*****

The music was almost loud enough to be painful and I felt his warm body push up against me a bit more. The windows were open and fans were desperately trying to move the humid air through the apartment, but it didn't stop any of us. He was practically shouting in my ear even as his lips brushed against it. The words processed through my mind and I responded with timely laughs and the playful tilts of my head. He'd lean back and grin at me with too perfect teeth. Skin as dark as the fertile soils of the forest and eyes an amber brown that I could study for hours in enjoyment. 

He was handsome and my hands enjoyed the feel of those tight ringlets bouncing through them. My lips tingled as he pressed his to mine and my body thrummed when we clung together in the sweltering heat, shirts soaked through with sweat. It felt nice, but my heart wasn't in it. There wasn't much that my heart had a part of these days. It was too painful to pull it out of the tight box I had stuffed its broken parts into. 

Work, study, family time, socializing with friends, even opening my mouth right now and making out with a stranger...I felt nothing in my chest. My body burned with a glower ember of something before being snuffed out by the cold weight of ache. The man's hands teased at the edge of my jeans and I didn't push him away. I didn't pull him closer either - I never could. 

There were a lot of nevers in my life now.

Never make the first move.

Never ask for what you want.

Never bare your heart to anyone.

Never invest much in a relationship.

Never get into a serious romantic relationship.

Never think of _him_.

I didn't always succeed with that last one, but as a new commandment in my life, I tried. I tried not to think of that crooked smile, or those warm arms. Blue eyes. Bronze curls. 

_"Well there's plenty of people out there who'd love to fuck you so go bother them instead, okay?! Just leave me the hell alone!"_

He was right. There were lots of other people who wanted to fuck me, strings or no strings attached and it would have been easy to get my fill whenever I wanted, but the problem was that I didn't want to fuck. I wanted to make love, to be intimate with someone that I loved and trusted. But I couldn't allow myself to ever love or trust again. At least not for a really long time.

I trailed my hands from those luscious curls and down to his neck and shoulders. It had been Lamb's idea for me to even be in Europe on a study abroad opportunity so that I could properly get away from everything. Over a year of contacting Bunce on a regular basis, each of us looking for any hint of where he had gone and a year of deteriorating health. My grades remained impeccable and my work for the company was unaffected when I could keep it together, but it wasn't sustainable. The cracks were beginning to show and I couldn't keep it from someone as experienced as Lamb. 

While he didn't know the full extent of what had happened between Simon and I there at the end, he knew enough to feel badly for me. He would take me to some mixers and would introduce me to all the right people, but even then I still felt dead inside. Why was I bothering to do this? 

My head tilted back and to the side, releasing myself from the kiss. The other man continued sweet talking into my ear, and even offered slow, wet kisses along my neck but I just stared towards the horizon, seeing the shimmering moon. I didn't want to hear any more of those honeyed words and was terrified of him trying to take me to bed. It wasn't something that I did anymore.

Simon Snow, you've fucking ruined me.

*****

"Fiona," I groaned, "you're trying to kill me."

"Ah, suck it up, boyo," she muttered before smearing some more glistening red lipstick on her overly made-up face.

"I didn't have to spend the New Year's with you," I shot heatedly. "I could have been home-"

"Yeah, yeah, home sleepin' yer days away and cryin' to the kids every time one of them brings ya a fairytale book ta read."

Rude. It was true, but rude to bring up.

"At least I'm not some middle aged woman playing pretend at being cool and hip and reliving her former glory by hooking up with an old flame."

She glared at me through the reflection and I didn't feel any better for having uttered the cruel words. I was the reason that she didn't have more former glory to brag about, a young child whose mother died and who's father didn't know how to cope with it. She had been the younger sister of my mother, the two of them close regardless of the huge differences in their lifestyles and life choices. Now, she was all that I had left that really connected me to my mother. It was Fiona's stories of their childhood and even my early years that kept Mother alive in my heart.

Without her I wouldn't have anything left of my mother's.

Raven hair was flipped over her shoulder carelessly and the white stripe was twisted with the rest of her hair into a half bun. She didn't even look at me when she spoke up again.

"You and your little friends can get lost if you don't wanna come, Bazzy. I'm not going to be missin' you or nothin'. And I'm not makin' you come if your mopey arse doesn't want ta."

I studied my hands before speaking up. "No, I'll come."

The clunk of her heavy boots could be heard a mile away, but I found it comforting and leaned up against her stomach as she stood next to me. The hotel bed I was sitting on was a bit stiff under me and I shifted. A manicured hand ran through my hair softly, easily working through the snarls. After a minute she pulled away and nudged me over and like she had done countless times before she took a brush to my hair. I would add some gel to it before we actually went out to the club because I wasn't keen on flyaways tonight, but it was so relaxing to have this done.

"Nico's seen me through hell an' back," she muttered softly. "We'd been mates for a long time before anything else came of it. Seein' him again is a chance I never thought I'd get, so I'm going to take that chance. I'm not goin' ta sit back and stew in what ifs. If ya want something enough, Bazzy, you've got ta give it your all."

"But what if you gave it your all and it...he ran away?"

Her cool hand brushed aside my hair and her sticky lips pressed a soft kiss to my cheek. 

"I think ya got to believe that if it's really meant to be, it will work out. Maybe not the way you wanted it ta, Bazzy, but it'll work out the way it _needs_ ta."

I couldn't imagine any way that Simon would ever come back into my life in any capacity or if I could ever really accept him back. He'd walked out on me twice now and there was no way that I could ever survive a third time. It didn't stop my heart from yearning.

"I miss him so much, Fiona," I whispered, hand clenched and pressed against my chest. "But I don't know if I could every really handle taking him back."

"I know, boyo," she replied before wrapping her thin arms around me and squeezing. "Let's go out and have a bit o' fun tonight, okay? An' when the clock strikes midnight, I'll still be here for ya. All of us will. A new year, another chance ta grow and be who we want ta be."

"Okay."

*****

The final conversation with Simon after the New Year's kiss had been painful but at least somewhat cathartic. Instead of him just walking away and not addressing anything we at least got to talk. Maybe more honestly than we had ever talked before.

Fiona had been right. It wasn't the way I wanted things to be with Simon but it was probably the best all things considered.

I started seeing a therapist not long after that conversation and I cut back on my work hours so that I could have some time to actually rest. Self care finally started making its way into my priorities and I even went out on a few casual dates. There was no way that I would be ready for an invested relationship with anyone yet, so I just enjoyed the experience and allowed myself to start stripping away the lies and anxieties that weighed me down. 

Finally filling up my own cup even resulted in a new hobby: writing. 

Stretching my creative muscles, I managed to get published in a couple of short story publications and began working on a modern fantasy with a queer protagonist. 

It was amazing how things in life seemed to fall in place more comfortably as I took the time to tend to myself. I was able to open up about the day that my mother died and began to move forward in the grieving process. My father and step-mother had begun to better accept me and my sexuality, even inviting me to bring dates to the house if I ever wanted to. Fiona remained a happy pain in my ass and even moved back to the States to move in with her boyfriend Nico. He and his sister lived in an apartment above a grocery store that apparently hadn't been that far from my first apartment and Fiona was nothing short of thrilled to be slumming it with them. 

Graduation day finally came and I actually felt proud of myself for all of my accomplishments. Lamb hadn't been able to attend the ceremony but he had given me an elegant fountain pen and set of cufflinks as a gift at the office the day before. The rest of my friends and family had made it and as we stood together in front of the arena in a crowd of other graduates I felt truly at peace and blessed. Life was moving forward and I had everything that I needed.

And then Simon showed up.

It had been almost a year and a half since I'd seen him and in the sunlight he was almost glowing golden. That cautious smile and those mesmerizing blue eyes shook me, threatening to knock over everything that I had worked so hard for and I did my best to keep my distance. We were over. Things had run their course between us. He looked good, and maybe was finally getting the help he needed. 

But then he spoke and I felt my whole world tilt again. 

Simon wanted me.

He was going to fight for me.

Simon _wanted_ me.

I could tell that Dev, Niall, and my father were a bit more reserved about accepting Simon's proclamation. They'd seen what he had done to me and were in no real hurry to walk me through that again. Hell, I wasn't really interested in ever going through that again!

And yet...

Two weeks later we were having dinner together at a tiny, grimy restaurant that he swore up and down was good. The food was delicious. The conversation, awkward.

And yet...

One week later and we were taking a walk downtown. Simon was telling me more about his current job and I told him about my current purchasing negotiations at Lamb, Inc. We stopped in at Nico and Ebb's grocery store and I learned that Simon had a thing for their meatball sandwich. My stomach ache the next day was worth it.

Two months later he was holding my face tenderly and we were kissing under the stars.

One month later we had our first big fight since getting together and through tears decided that we needed to see a couple's councilor if we had any hope of making things work. 

The next day we had an appointment set.

*****

"Hey Baz?"

My hands continued running through his curls languidly as I looked away from the television. "Hm?"

His head was in my lap while I leaned heavily against the arm of the couch, and I had been getting a bit sleepy with all the warmth and quiet. Those blue eyes remained firmly on the Korean drama we'd been watching but I could see that he was working up the nerve to say something. My initial reaction (as it had been since we got back together _again_ ) was to internally panic and start trying to predict what I had done wrong and why he was scared of me, but a quick bite to the inside of my cheek and a few deep breaths allowed me to get a hold of myself while giving him time to say what he needed to.

"I think...could we maybe..." 

I was holding my breath now, my heart pounding. Was he going to-

"Could we try...it? On the bed?"

It.

All my brain synapses were shooting off like 4th of July fireworks and I felt the tsunami of fear and desire crash into me. A stuttering breath finally forced its way past my lips and I coughed on the sudden presence of oxygen.

"We don't have to," he was quick to add, nervously shooting me a glance before looking back at the show. "I don't wanna...you know, make you uncomfortable or anything."

Instead of just spouting off the "YES" immediately I took a mental step back and examined how I was feeling. Things had been going well between us lately and there were no major stressors going on right now. We'd talked extensively to our therapist above overcoming the hurdles to sexual intimacy.

 _"What kind of a monster do I have to be to need a safeword with my boyfriend for_ vanilla _sex?!"_

It a question that I'd brought up multiple times, still not quite being able to accept that it wasn't _me_ and Simon having a safeword wasn't necessarily always going to be a requirement but it was imperative if we wanted to have any hope of moving forward. It was trauma. We were dealing with trauma, the both of us. I needed to be able to trust myself just as much as he needed to be able to trust me.

Could I do that right now?

Running the back of my hand lightly over his cheek I nodded slowly and offered a small smile. "I'd like to try."

He swallowed thickly and nodded. "Um, okay. C-can you stop if I...need to?"

"I'm in a good head space," I replied softly. "It'll be okay. We can just come back in here if it's not working for you and we can heat up some of those scones."

Having a solid plan for backing out was another one of those necessary steps and food was always a good way to calm Simon back down. 

"'Stop' will be my safe word," he breathed out quickly. "I'll just say 'stop'."

"I'll use 'red' if I need to stop," I added before leaning down and offering a kiss to his temple. "Is that okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, that's fine."

We remained on the couch for another minute, my hand continuing to run through his curls. Getting on a proper hair care routine had done wonders for those follicles.

The credits began rolling on the episode and he squeezed my knee softly before sitting up. I stood and walked towards the bedroom as calmly as possible. I could see snow floating down lazily from my window and felt my lips quirk in amusement. Feeling a bit more grounded, I went into the bathroom and washed my face and hands before grabbing a few hand towels and a couple of bottles of lube. I glanced at my bathrobe for a moment of deliberation before deciding to just ask Simon what he would prefer. 

When I walked back into the bathroom, Simon was sitting at the edge of the bed and chewing his lip nervously. "How are you, love?" I asked softly, trying to make sure that I didn't sound patronizing.

He let out a heavy sigh and offered a small smile of his own. "Nervous. But not bad."

This was good.

"Okay." I placed one of the towels and a bottle of lube next to him before stepping over to the other side of the bed. "Clothes on or off?"

"Uh, off is okay. I think."

Setting my items down, I began to slowly unbutton my shirt while watching him for any reaction that might indicate discomfort. He wasn't chewing his lip anymore and was instead just gawking at me endearingly. It certainly wasn't the first time he'd seen me shirtless, but it almost felt that way and I couldn't stop the heat from burning in my cheeks. 

Once all of the buttons were released I paused and rose a questioning eyebrow. He swallowed and nodded so I shrugged out of the shirt and carefully set it over the back of my reading chair. I gave him another minute to reconsider while I adjusted the garment and when he had no complaints I began working on my belt and slacks. His face was reddening in a lovely blush and I had to bite back my desire to just leap over the bed and devour him. 

Simon was so unbelievably beautiful.

The belt came off easily and when my trousers pooled at my ankles I saw him glance away and bite his lip again. "Sh-should I put the slacks back on?" I asked quickly, already leaning down to get them.

"N-no. Uh, it's...could you not take anymore off?"

My heart was pounding fast enough that I thought I'd have a heart attack before we even got to the sex. 

"That's fine, love. I'll keep my briefs on."

The plain black boxer briefs were a bit more modest than my usual choice of bikini briefs, and I was thankful that I'd switched over to them a few weeks ago. I didn't want to scare Simon off.

With cautious movements I folded my trousers over and hung them over the back of the same chair as my shirt. I decided to leave my socks on as well since I tended to run cold and wouldn't have his heat to rely on. That didn't seem to bother him so I stepped up to kneel at the edge of my bed and tilted my head in question. His eyes flickered down my body before moving back up to my eyes and the smile he rewarded me with was more confident than I'd seen all night. 

"Still good," Simon reassured me before he stood up and worked off his jeans. 

His socks were left in the puddle with the denims and I rolled my eyes as he just kicked them aside. Freckled hands gripped the edge of his white t-shirt before they froze. I could see the way his chest began heaving and felt the fear swelling in my gut again.

"You don't have to do anything," I gasped before he could start spiraling. "Do we need to stop right now? It's okay, it'll be completely fine." 

Swallowing thickly, Simon released hold of his shirt and shook his head while he took a few deep breaths. I remained frozen on my side of the bed while I watched him breath through whatever thoughts were swirling in his mind. My instincts were to offer comfort and pull him into a hug, but I was scared of triggering a full blown panic attack. 

"I'm...going to leave the shirt on," he finally breathed out shakily. 

"Please, Simon, if you don't want-"

"I want to, Baz," Simon replied softly and my mouth snapped shut.

Two more breaths and he was smiling weakly. My brain was demanding that I run the hell away to avoid any further potential for hurt either of us, but he was giving me those determined eyes. If we were going to make any progress, we had to go through the hard things. 

"Okay. How do you want to do this?"

He crawled up on the bed and moved to the center and offered a hand to me. I shuffled forward on my knees and took it before peppering his knuckles with kisses. The panic was draining from his face even more and I huffed another sigh of relief. His hands moved forward carefully and took hold of my face. I melted into the kiss he offered to me and settled my hands on his waist. We just settled in that moment, relaxing against each other in something that was familiar but still so tender. If we never did anything beyond kissing, I would still be a lucky man. 

When he leaned back I was sure that my face was slackened with love sickness and he chuckled breathily before planting a kiss over each eyelid, both cheeks, and even my crooked nose. It was strange to think that Simon had been the very one to leave that mark on me; middle and high school seemed so far away now - lifetimes.

"Let's sit, okay?" he murmured warmly. "Um, back to back?"

"Okay."

His hands trailed tenderly over my bare torso and I felt a swell of emotion bubble up. Simon was _touching_ me. He wanted to touch _me_.

We settled in on top of the sheets, taking our time in getting comfortable and leaning against each other. The heat from his back was comforting and I let myself lean a little more heavily against him, the back of our heads connecting as I tilted my head up to stare at the ceiling. There was still fear hovering around my mind. Simon could run away from me again and he might not ever come back. He might think that I was pushing him again. My hands clenched the sheets and I focused on controlled breaths while I waited for him to make the next move. 

The snap of the lube bottle opening was my answer and I let out a shudder of relief. I could feel the tips of his curls tickling at the back of my neck and smiled to myself. He'd been letting his hair grow out a bit lately and I thought it was a good look for him. He shifted a little and I heard him let out a shaky breath before a familiar slick sound made it to my ears. I could feel the motion of his shoulder muscles and my cock leapt in utter delight at the mental picture being painted. 

"Mmnf, y-you can start too, Baz," he stammered and I nodded before leaning forward to reach the lube. 

The unassuming bottle felt like an ally in the battle against trauma and pain. I gave it a nod in solidarity before pouring a generous amount on my palm and curling my fingers to allow the gel to warm a bit. Careful to flip the lid shut, I set it next to my hip for easy access and used that hand to pull the waistband on my briefs and adjust my already straining prick. My slickened hand reached past and took a firm hold of the sensitive head.

"Crowley," I moaned softly at the sheer relief of touching myself.

I heard Simon chuckle behind me.

"I don't want to hear other men's names while we're jacking off, Baz," he teased.

"Fuck off," I grumbled before giggling at the absurdity. 

He was already squirming a bit behind me and pressing against my back more firmly. The thought of him needing to feel more of me was heady and I began working over myself at a rapid pace before reminding myself that I needed to go at Simon's pace. A tug to my heavy sack was able to help me get my head sorted and I adjusted my long legs better before moving my hand again. A quick glance ensured that I had remembered to bring my hand towel close for easy clean up. 

Heavy breaths were building up behind me and I tried to gauge if they were good or not. Without being able to see his face I was completely clueless and the anxiety bubbled up. 

"Love? How are you doing?"

"It feels good," he whispered before softly groaning. 

My back stiffened in shock. Did he just...

"Simon?" I whispered, my hand completely still on my cock. 

"Oh fuck," he panted in response before arching his back a bit. "Don't stop, Baz. Please." 

His voice was almost whimpering and I dumbly complied. He moaned again at the squelching of my hand and tears pricked at my eyes. Simon was...making noises. He was _talking_ during this.

"Oh," I warbled, having almost no control of my vocal cords.

The airy sound of lube being squeezed came from behind me and then the pornographic squelching increased, leaving my poor brain cells to vacation on some distant planet. His hips were moving restlessly.

"A-are you good, Baz?" he panted out before tossing his head back against my shoulder and thrusting into his own fist. "Fuck, fuck, so hot."

I would have wept except for the fear of ruining the mood and cutting off all progress made, so I squeezed my eyes shut and focused on trying to pump myself in time to the sounds of Simon's hand. Even though I had no visual stimulation, the sounds more than made up for it. I could imagine the scrunch of Simon's freckled nose as he concentrated on his own pleasure. 

If he had been following the recommendations of our therapist, Simon would have had plenty of practice in self-pleasuring already to know what he liked and didn't like. It had been definitely weird to have masturbation be prescribed by a health professional, but it was all part of the path to healing. Simon needed to learn what his body liked without all of the stress and external pressures of anyone else before he could even attempt to have pleasure with someone else around.

From the lewd sounds he was making behind me, I'd say that he had been following those recommendations quite faithfully.

I whimpered pathetically just imagining him in his bed desperately fisting his cock and maybe even using a hand to tease at a nipple. What was his other hand doing right now? Was it settled over a heaving and twitching abdomen? Was it delicately running over sensitive testicles or even pressing against the softness of his perineum? 

"Oooh," I moaned breathily, using my hand to massage at that soft space. There was lube sliding down from where my hand was pumping so I trailed a finger through that and teased myself just a little further down. "Oh fuck, Simon..."

"C-can you hold my hand, baby?" he asked and I couldn't keep the hot tears from rolling down my cheeks. 

Biting down on my lip because I didn't trust myself to speak, I pulled out my left hand and wiped it against the towel before reaching off to the side and a little behind. There was more lube being squeezed out as I assumed he decided to switch hands and then my fingers were encased in slick warmth. It would have been disgusting except that I was long gone already. 

My own hips were refusing to stay put too, and the bounce of the bed only fueled my impending climax. We were on the bed together, fingers clasped tightly while we jerked ourselves off. He wasn't running away. I didn't care what noises were squeezing past my clenched teeth and fell completely into the throes of passion. It was the most erotic moment of my life.

Not because it was particularly hot and heavy or super creative or anything like that. It was a moment years in the making. It was hard work and tears and uncomfortable conversations. It was someone wanting to be with me so strongly that they were willing to keep trying regardless of how many steps back we'd had to take. 

My whole body jerked with the cresting of climax and I dug my heels into the bed helplessly while whining and pumping myself through it. I blearily hoped that I wasn't crushing Simon's hand hard enough to hurt him before the most beautiful sound rang out and my heart stopped.

"Ungh, oh babe, baby! Baz! Oh fuck!"

His body trembled behind me before slumping back heavily against me and I couldn't keep in the tears of relief anymore. We did it. _He_ did it. Maybe he wouldn't be able to do it again for months, but today it was a victory. It was a hurdle cleared and another step taken towards healing. My hands came up to cover my face and I didn't even have the capacity to care that I was getting my own jizz on my face as I sobbed. Warm arms wrapped around my shoulders and a sticky hand wrapped around one of my wrists to pull the hand down.

"Baz? Are you okay? What do I need to do?"

Simon was still breathless but he wasn't gone. He hadn't run away.

"You're h-here," I choked out between sobs. It wasn't everything that was running through my mind, but I'd never be able to explain in my current state. "Y-you're he-ere."

"I'm not going anywhere, Baz," he murmured against my cheek, pulling me up against his chest and rocking me back and forth as I cried. 

We remained in an embrace for a while until my sobs settled down to whimpers and sighs. He attempted to stroke back my hair in comfort and ended up smearing cum all over me. My expression made him burst out in guffaws and I started laughing uncontrollably with him. After a few minutes he suggested that we take a shower.

"Together?" I asked in shock.

He shrugged, looking tired but content in a way I hadn't ever seen before. 

"Just, uh, just no touching below the waist and I think it'll be okay. If it's not I'll just go to the guest bathroom."

Establishing a concrete plan for backing out.

"Okay," I sighed. 

He leaned down for a kiss and I reacted in kind until a tilt of his head squished that semen from my hair onto my cheek and I jerked back with a grumble and grimace. Simon laughed again before helping me crawl off the bed and leading me to the bathroom.

*****

"What do you think?" I asked nervously as we continued up the walkway towards the house.

"It's like being surrounded by the Secret Garden or something," he muttered as his wide eyes took everything in. "Wow, Baz, how did you even find this place? And so close to downtown!"

"It fell into my lap years ago," I admitted carefully while looking over the house. "I didn't really do much except make it livable for tenants, so we'd have complete creative control for renovations. If that's something that you want."

He turned to face me, face flushed red from the cold and blue eyes lit up excitedly. 

"Could we get a dog?"

My heart nearly exploded and I nodded excitedly. "Yes. Absolutely. Anything you want."

Simon's large hands took my gloved ones and he tilted his head back a little more to look at the overcast sky. The snow was coming down intermittently. 

"Honestly, Baz? All I really want is you. The rest is gravy - yummy but not necessary."

My smitten brain couldn't come up with a comparable food illustration so I just nodded and grinned at him like the soft love-sick fool that I was. He leaned up on his toes and pressed a firm kiss to my lips while still squeezing my hands between our bodies. 

We'd been melted down in the heat of the Crucible and somehow ended up better for it. The heat tore us apart and then brought us back together. 

Simon Snow is here. He's alive. 

And we're more in love than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crucible:  
> n. A vessel made of a refractory substance such as graphite or porcelain, used for melting and calcining materials at high temperatures.  
> n. An extremely difficult experience or situation; a severe test or trial: synonym: trial.
> 
> Thank you for reading through this story and spending your time in this world. It was quite a doozy to write and I'm sure one to read, but if you've gotten this far you have my eternal gratitude. This is the first SnowBaz fic I started writing and it holds a very special place in my heart. I hope that maybe it finds a special place in your heart as well.
> 
> Feel free to chat me up on Tumblr @WolfyWordWeaver!


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